


love like fools

by TheTruthAboutLove



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Adoption, Angst, F/F, Family, Fluff, Found Family, Romance, Step-Parent, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:08:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 54,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27647969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTruthAboutLove/pseuds/TheTruthAboutLove
Summary: This story, is a love story. Kind of. It's just not an "in love" story.Well, at least not right away.Or, Ava reconnects with Sara, a childhood friend she hasn't seen in years, and finds out Sara's dropped out of college and has a child: Jason. They don't get along very well at first, but Jason and Ava adore each other, so Sara endures her presence. Only for Jason's sake, of course.
Relationships: Sara Lance & Ava Sharpe, Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe
Comments: 299
Kudos: 493





	1. friends, I watched us as we changed (the feelings in my headspace rearrange)

**Author's Note:**

> Before reading please note:  
> \- Oliver Queen is Jason's dad and since there's no Gambit he's basically the douche he was pre-Lian Yu, this isn't probably a Oliver-stans friendly story  
> \- This story was written while I was procrastinating on another story, so it's already complete, I'll probably update one chapter every week for a total of 6 chapters  
> \- In later chapters a parent is verbaly abusive towards a gender-non comforming child, no slurs are used but it's strongly implied and if that triggers you, either skip this story or I'll put a warning before the specific chapter  
> \- The story is about Avalance and Ava's relationship with Jason, other Legends characters are in here but are mainly background  
> \- I know this isn't my usual style but it's something I wrote for comfort and a few people expressed interest over this story/plot so here it is <3  
> \- English isn't my first language so I apologize for any mistakes, the format I tried out also allowed for tricky verbe tenses so I know some paragraphs are wonky, I apologize for that also, and again, this isn't my first language nor my usual style, hope you don't mind

This story, is a love story. Kind of. It's just not an _in love_ story.

Well, at least not right away.

  
  


//

  
  


Sara Lance falls in love for the first time when she's fifteen. Oliver's sweet when they're alone and his boyish charm is just classy enough to make Sara want to stick around even when he's being a jerk to her in public.

Sara's seventeen and she goes back to Oliver when he forgets to text her for a week or leaves her behind to go golfing with his dad after promising he'd go college touring with her. Sara goes back to him because he's her first love, the love of her life maybe, and because Oliver always goes back to Sara in the end. They've been broken up and back together and far apart and inseparable more times than anyone can keep track of.

They break up in September the year she leaves for college and are back together by Halloween. They have the fight of their lives on Boxing Day and are more in love than ever by New Year. Oliver's careless and has a wandering eye, but he loves her. So Sara takes him back, knowing she doesn't have to believe his apologies to forgive him.

She's nineteen and she has no idea how rough life can be, how hurtful and lonely love can be, and surely she has no idea how one thing – one _mistake_ , yes, she's thought it and she's not proud of it – can change your life forever.

She would use the word ruin at first, or destroy, but her life isn't shattered: it goes on and on despite the fact she sometimes wishes life didn't.

After everything they've been through, it turns out “I'm pregnant” is the one sentence that would have Oliver never coming back.

  
  


//

  
  


She calls him Jason Quentin Lance and hopes against every rule of genetics she can keep him from becoming a Queen.

Sara loves him so much everything else stops mattering and he becomes her number one priority, and main reason for doing anything and everything. She drops out of college in favour of a job in a local diner and, sure, waitress might not be her dream job and she has to ask her mom to babysit until Jay's old enough for kindergarten because daycare would mean selling a kidney, but it keeps her mom in town and her family together and maybe it can be worth it.

Jay is everything Oliver was when Sara first met him: a little ball of sunshine and smiles and innocence. He's perfect. She just has to keep the concept of money out of his system for the rest of his life and he'll never become the asshole who got a Porsche on his eighteenth birthday and thought he could get away with murder using his smile and his daddy's name.

Jay is perfect and Sara loves him more than life. He's larger than life, somehow, because when she holds him nothing else in it matters.

  
  


//

  
  


This story, is a love story. Kind of, sort of.

And in every love story there must be a second character, a player who comes in at a turning point and swipes away every bit of normalcy in the other person's life. Another half of a perfect match that either brings chaos or calmness into the other's life – sometimes, even both at the same time.

It just so happens that, in this case, the other half? Ava Sharpe, former valedictorian at Sara's high school, unsung hero of the debate team, Yale alumni and lawyer extraordinaire.

Sara has known Ava since she was seven and Ava was nine, when her father made a last ditch attempt at exorcising the rebel out of her by sending her to girl scouts. Ava used to thrive with the order, while Sara got banned after two months – the fire was _not_ her fault, despite what Christine Barry likes to tell everyone to this day. She stays friends with Ava, they talk quite often and Sara likes how Ava makes her feel safe, but when Ava goes to high school they loose touch. Sara sees her around town but they don't talk anymore, and on Sara's first day of high school two years later, Ava sees her once and decides to avoid her up until Sara shags her best friend.

Because yes, Ava is Oliver's age and they used to be best friends before he turned into an asshole. Sara also knows she used to try and keep Oliver away from her, something to do with Sara being “one of those free spirited girls who would only hang onto one specific guy who'd end up ruining her life”. Sara already didn't particularly like her anymore, but, since she was so fucking spot on about her, now she had to hate her on principle.

Plus, everyone always used to say behind her back that Ava had been trying to keep Oliver away from Sara because she wanted him for herself. It would make sense, for Ava to have been in love with a best friend who used to cheat off of her during tests, so Sara keeps hating her long after Ava stops talking to him.

Ava Sharpe leaves Star City – lucky fucker – and never looks back. She makes it big after doing some internship with some judge and ending up in corporate law soon after graduating. She comes back into town at twenty-six because Robert Queen offers her a job at Queen Consolidates that would be a huge step up for her career. Ava doesn't take the job because it means in ten years she could be CEO of any company of her choosing. She takes the job because it's the job that was meant for Oliver, who dropped out of college to pursue his career as a professional player and resident fuck up celebrity. The fact she swiped it from under him is sweeter than her yearly bonus – which is, if she says so herself, pretty damn sweet.

Star City hasn't changed that much.

Her favourite park is still green, her favourite diner is still open and her favourite bar still has karaoke night on Wednesdays, what more can a girl ask for?

Ava Sharpe's entrance is, as previously stated, a turning point.

The day before, Sara hasn't seen her for years. Then suddenly, on an early June hot-as-hell day, she's walking into the diner in a designer pantsuit and ordering coffee without glancing up from her menu. Sara's break started five minutes before and her mother is set to walk through the door with Jay any second, but she can't help herself.

“As I live and breathe, if it isn't stuck-up Sharpe.”

Ava's shoulders go rigid and she glances up.

Of course Sara Lance would be the type of waitress who's rude to her costumers.

“Lance. I thought you were off somewhere being a doctor.” She eyes Sara's uniform skeptically.

“Dropped out of pre-med.”

Ava frowns. “Why?”

Sara raises an eyebrow. Everyone knows about Jay. Oliver Queen hasn't knocked up that many girls, after all. Or, well, at least he hasn't had that many illegitimate kids. Just the one, as far as Sara knows. Sure, nobody talks about it explicitly because that would be a headache and Sara's not interested in a name or alimony so it's something people just know from whispers and tend to keep hush. It's Star City's worst kept secret.

“Want something to eat with that coffee?”

Ava's still frowning when she asks for the only vegetarian dish they have on the menu and Sara nods and walks away. She gets a call halfway through her meal, gets up, pays at the register and turns to leave. Sara can't say she's sorry to see her go, but Ava tips her well so she almost hopes against her best judgment that Ava comes back again.

  
  


//

  
  


Ava's back the next day and gives the vegetarian dish a second try. She leaves half of it despite no incoming call preventing her from eating the rest and Sara is pretty sure that's how long it takes for the paper taste of it to become insufferable.

She walks to the register, pays with her card and then drops the equivalent of half her bill in the tip jar in cash. It's not even for Sara's benefit, she's kinda spying from the table she's spending her break at, bouncing a restless Jay on her legs as he plays with a toy taxi car. Ava's probably just _like that_. It makes Sara frown, because she feels herself wanting to smile. What a load of bullshit.

Ava turns, sees Jay in Sara's lap, smiles at the scene, but leaves without saying hello. The smile isn't for Sara's benefit either; their eyes don't even meet. Ava just smiles to herself seeing a kid play with his mom and Sara wants to keep hating her but feels she doesn't really have a reason to: it's been so long and everything that used to be between them is long, long gone.

So maybe Sara can stop hating her and settle for dislike.

  
  


//

  
  


Ava comes back three days after that and asks for a salad. Just the salad. Sara taps her pen three times, contemplating doing something. Ava raises one eyebrow and the shadow of a smile appears on her lips, so Sara decides to ask:

“You're a vegetarian?”

“Not strictly, but I try to avoid meat. It's not that good for you.”

“Neither's coffee, yet you've drank two cups in the time it took me to come take your order,” Sara points out and bites her cheek so she doesn't smile. “Sometimes our cook does this eggplant parmesan. He's Italian, for some reason they do it that way instead of with the chicken. It's not on the menu but it's really good.”

“It sounds perfect. Are you sure it's not a problem?”

“I'm sure,” she dismisses. Ava's tipped them more last week the two times she was there than some of their oldest costumers would have with the same order. Sara's pretty sure the cook would try to fetch her some dinosaur burger if she asked. “I'll refill your coffee in a minute.”

Sara places the order, refills Ava's coffee and then hesitates when she should be walking away. Ava is patient again, she waits without saying anything or looking bothered by the lurking, stopping the email she'd been typing on her phone to turn to Sara.

“So you came back. To Star City.”

“I got an offer I couldn't refuse.”

“Like, from the mob?”

Ava chuckles. “A _job_ offer. I'm a corporate lawyer for Queen Consolidates.”

“Ah. Congrats.”

She nods but her heart's not in it. “Didn't think I'd see you here, though,” she says instead. “You were always meant for something bigger than this town.”

Sara smiles down a the floor for a second because she used to think the same thing, and then she'd found something in this town bigger than life itself. “Sometimes the best laid plans fail, because the universe had something different in store. Something better than leaving, in my case.”

Ava smiles but it's coiled with sadness and it's weird to look at, so Sara looks away again.

“So, how was New Heaven?”

Ava hesitates, but then the sadness in her eyes dimmers and she smiles. “Why don't you sit with me and I can tell you all about it?”

Sara takes her break and spends it listening to Ava talk about law school and then talking about Star City and how everything's changed and how everything is exactly the same.

Suddenly they're seven and nine again, sitting cross legged on their sleeping bags and bonding over how utterly bitchy Rachel Simmons is. It's nice. Ava's nice. Sara still kinda hates her, but... it's fine.

  
  


//

  
  


They're not close. They're not even really friends, they're lunch buddies. Ava comes in twice a week, sometimes more, and they have lunch together a couple more times when Sara can take the time off and sits down in front of Ava without waiting for an invitation. Ava bitches about her job and Sara bitches about hers and they keep it away from personal so they don't have to actually make an effort to be friends.

Six weeks after Ava walked into her diner and made Sara feel like a kid again, she comes in on a Saturday afternoon and sees Sara at the counter trying to entertain an overly energetic Jay. Ava has already gauged he must be about three and he looks like joy is coming off of him in waves as he jumps up and down on his seat before climbing in Sara's lap to reach for something on the counter.

Ava doesn't want to intrude, so she heads for the register and asks for a coffee to go. She's there waiting when Jay laughs super loud at something Sara says and Ava turns to the sound before she can stop herself. His laugh makes Ava smile a little to herself. She catches Sara's eyes and sees her waving a little. Ava waves back and, when Jay sees it, he's out of his mother's lap before Sara has the time to even think _bad idea_.

“Hi.”

His eyes are big and blue and so _Sara_ that Ava is sure she isn't breathing anymore, but forces herself to say:

“Hey, little man.”

“Jay, remember the rules. You can't bother costumers when I'm working,” Sara reminds him.

“Sorry, mommy. Sorry, mommy's comumer.”

Ava can't help but smile at his crooked vocabulary. “It's okay, little man. And you can call me Ava.”

He sticks his hand in the air and Ava's smile grows as she takes it gently. “I'm Jay. You know my mommy?”

“I do, we're friends,” Ava nods.

“Cool. Do you wanna play with me?”

“You don't have to, I'm sure you're busy and Jay understands that,” Sara is quick to reassure her, but Ava's already nodding to the kid.

“I'd love to, if that's okay. What game are we playing?”

Jay takes her hand and drags her to where his colouring book is and Sara doesn't remember anyone ever taking to him so quickly before, just a second after meeting him officially, no questions asked. She used to hate Ava Sharpe, but damn if she doesn't like how Ava Sharpe makes her kid laugh.

  
  


//

  
  


Ava stops by at least twice a week and – ever since discovering Jay hangs out with Sara at work on Saturdays, when he doesn't have school and Dinah can't watch him before she finishes her lectures around lunch time like she does when he gets out of school on weekdays – every Saturday. She plays with him and he tells her all about his favourite toy, a yellow car with a white paper glued on top with TAXI written crookedly on it, and a small plastic soldier he uses as a driver. He makes up stories about each passenger he picks up – they're the same two small dolls and a tiny action figure that looks twenty years old, but he changes their characters on every ride. Sometimes they'll be a family, sometimes it'll be just one of them, late for work and rude to the driver (“Stacy needs a little time out, she was rude,” Jay would say after, like the voice coming from behind Stacy wasn't his own). Ava loves it. Every minute of it.

After a month of this, something weird happens.

She walks into the diner to a sulking Jason and a worried Sara and knows immediately something happened.

“Hey,” she greets casually, then nods to the kid sulking at the counter. “What gives?”

Sara sighs, long and drawn out. “He dropped his car, one of the doors won't close anymore and a tire came off. He knows he won't get another before his birthday in two weeks and it made him so sad. But I already got him something and I can't ask my mom to buy this for him two weeks early, we're pretty strict about spoiling him. I tried everything, but he won't stop being sad.”

Ava glances at him and suddenly feels this overwhelming urge to _try_. “Can I play with him for a while?”

Sara rolls her eyes because Ava's been basically babysitting him for a month and it makes no sense that she's asking now, but a smile tugs at her lips and she nods. Ava squeezes her hand and walks away and Sara tries not to think about how her fingers tingle.

Jay's face lights up a little when he sees her, but his shoulders sag again soon after. Ava ruffles his hair while murmuring a “Hey there, little man,” and sits beside him. She looks around the counter and picks up a napkin holder, turning it on its long side and balancing Joe the driver on top of it.

“When I was younger I didn't have many toys – well, not the ones I wanted to play with. So I used to play pretend a lot. Will you play with me?”

Jay looks intrigued, a curious twinkle in his eyes spurs Ava on.

“So, see, this is a taxi from 3321, it doesn't have tires because it levitates- uhm, it flies, like this,” she holds it half an inch above the counter and makes a sound with her mouth that's supposed to be an engine running. “And it doesn't have a wheel because Joe controls it with his mind,” she adds like it's obvious.

Jay watches a moment longer before climbing on Ava's lap, his little hands steady the toy a little more before he sets one of the dolls laying down behind him. “And there's no seats so people can sleep when he drives around, because in the future everything goes faster and everyone's tired all the time,” he decides. “And they have to pay him in candy bars instead of money because they don't make them anymore and there's just a few left in the world and Joe wants them all.”

“How many people does he have to drive to collect them all?”

“Seven!” Jay says, then giggles. “No, a hundred million!” He laughs louder bouncing on her legs in excitement and Ava laughs with him, feeling her heart swell when Jay's hands lay on top of hers guiding the fake taxi along and making the same noise with his mouth that Ava had been making a minute before.

She looks up at Sara and sees something in her eyes that wasn't there before, something between astonishment and adoration, and decides to make it the goal of her life to put that look on Sara's face as often as she can.

  
  


//

  
  


On Monday, she stops by with a bag and slides it over the counter.

“You said it's Jay's birthday in two weeks. I was shopping recently, saw this, and couldn't resist.”

Sara peeks but whatever it's inside it's wrapped up in green paper covered with stars and hearts and ribbons.

“It's a toy taxi. You can actually pilot this with a remote control and I picked two new passengers and a driver the right size for the car.” Ava feels strangely nervous saying this. “I just- it's okay if your parents already picked one up, I can take it back, I just wanted him to have this because- because he really likes this game and it's super cool that you let him play with dolls and stuff. When I was little I never got the toys I wanted and-” she takes a long breath and tries to stop ranting.

“What, did your parents think boy toys would make you turn gay or something?”

Ava flinches so hard Sara couldn't have been more sure she was right if there was a target in front of her and a dart appeared in the bullseye of it after her sentence. She wishes she could take it back, but the indignant sentence just came out of its own.

“Lot of good that did them, uh? I still turned out a lesbian and now I resent them for half the things they did during my childhood,” she tries to joke, finishing off her sentence with a chuckle, but it falls flat. “Look, I'm sorry if I overstepped, I just want to see Jay happy and taxis seems to make him the happiest and I thought maybe a little bit of spoiling from a cool friend of his mom wouldn't be the worst.”

Sara keeps looking at her a moment longer, then pushes the bag back towards Ava. Her face falls before she can stop the disappointment from showing.

“You can give this to him at his birthday party next Sunday. I'll tell my mom to choose something else. Now sit down, your eggplant parmesan is on the house today,” Sara walks away while Ava is still processing the words.

A smile plays at her lips when she sits down and she can't help but picture the smile she's going to get to see on his face when he opens it.

  
  


//

  
  


They exchange numbers so Sara can text her the details, but in the two weeks leading up to the party they text everyday, about Jay, their jobs, Ava's parents, Sara's sister, the weird dude outside the post office who seems to always be drunk but dresses like he's rich and always tries to convince bystanders that the world's ending.

Ava doesn't realize how funny Sara is and how hard she makes her laugh until a chuckle escapes her during a meeting and she opts to tuck her phone away for the rest of the morning.

By the time the birthday rolls around – it's mid August and Star City might as well be called Hell Hole because it's basically on fire – Ava and Sara can actually stand each other enough to get through an entire meal without arguing; they (Ava) have rules about how to act around Sara's parents (not that Ava wants to make a good impression or anything), but they (Ava) have decided there will be no bickering and no passive-aggressiveness today.

Sara calls her weird when Ava calls her parents Mr and Mrs Lance until they have both given her permission to call them by their first name three times each. Sara's friends are there: Amaya and Nate have a daughter around Jay's age, they look older and settled, Ava would guess mid thirties, but she thinks perhaps Mari and Jay were friends first and the common ground has helped them settle into an unconventional friendship.

Zari Tarazi is there, too. Ava remembers her from high school, she's been Sara's best friend since she moved to Star City when they were fourteen and got paired up in chemistry lab freshman year. Ava has talked to her a grand total of maybe three times in the two years they were in high school at the same time, but Zari hugs her and compliments her hair, twirling a strand of it around her perfectly manicured nails and Ava feels oddly flattered. Zari makes her feel welcomed and part of their group.

Jay had been playing with Mari when Ava arrived and she hadn't meant to interrupt, but once she steps outside it's like his shoes have been set on fire. He flings himself into her arms and yells how happy he is she came, bouncing when she picks him up and greets him with a soft, “Hey little man, you look so much older, what are you turning again, forty? Or was it fourteen?”

“Four, silly!”

He giggles and hugs her and leads her around for a tour of his toys. Sara's parents are a little bewildered by how smitten with her he is and he insist Ava teaches Mari how to play pretend before she's allowed to go back to the grown ups. Ava feels too happy to care that the jeans she's sitting on the grass in are very very expensive and very very new.

Sara smiles at her from afar and the grass stains are suddenly of no consequence.

Laurel's the last one there. When she sees Ava and smiles, her heart stops for a moment.

  
  


Ava and Laurel have a complicated past, the gist of it is: Ava meets Oliver Queen when she's three because their parents are friends and they become inseparable. They do everything together their parent would allow them to up until, at the young age of thirteen, Oliver discovers girls. Right around the same time Ava discovers she can't stand boys. They're so close people whisper about the things they do when they sneak out to see each other, but every innocent thing Oliver's ever done – and kept secret for the sake of his reputation – he's done with Ava: they practice with darts when they're kids and an old bow and arrows they found in Oliver's garage when they're teens; they learn together about constellations and how to tell the North without a compass and how to move around the woods without leaving a trail; Oliver lets her borrow his skateboard because her parents wouldn't buy her one; Ava teaches Oliver how to slow dance so he doesn't step on his first girlfriend's toes.

Laurel is Oliver's friend first, she's popular like the rest of his friends, and unlike Ava of course, and she's the only one of his friends who never made her feel like she had the plague, the only one who'd talk to her at lunch and parties and between classes. Laurel's good hearted in a way none of them ever were and Ava has always seen it.

When Oliver starts dating her sister, Ava tells him to stop and open his damn eyes, they argue over it more and more and more each time he breaks Sara's heart and then gets her to go back to him with zero effort. It makes Laurel so sad Ava can barely stand it, she knows she's had her heart on Oliver since junior year, but Sara liked him first and Laurel stepped aside. The thing is, Oliver was never right for Sara. Ava had tried to tell him countless times and he would get mad at her need to protect a girl she didn't know.

Ava couldn't explain to him why she cared so much, and of course he had to end up thinking Ava liked him. He went as far as trying to kiss her, once, halfway through their senior year. He would cheat on Sara occasionally, she wasn't dumb enough to believe he didn't, and she was sure Sara knew, too. But that has nothing to do with why she pushes him away and yells at him until her voice cracks. She tells him that night, one last time, Sara deserves better than someone who's using her and hurting her carelessly. From the next day on, she drops out of his life completely. She hears around he's telling everyone Ava wanted him to break up with Sara to be with her, but he wouldn't, so she got upset, and Ava lets everyone think it's true. It's easier than disputing it, really.

She assumes Laurel, the only friend she's ever had in high school beside Oliver, who has never spoken to her about what happened on that faithful night, believes the rumour mill.

They've stayed civil for the rest of the year but haven't spoken since graduation and Ava can just hope Laurel doesn't think she would hurt Sara because Oliver picked her over Ava, but has no idea how to explain to her what really happened. And, if she's completely honest, Ava barely understands it herself.

  
  


But at Jay's birthday party, years later, Laurel smiles, hugs her, tells her how happy she is to see her. Ava does the same and asks about law school on the West Coast and her career and they chat and chat up until it's time for cake and presents.

Jay loves all his presents, but Sara knowingly leaves Ava's last; once he sees the toy everything else is forgotten in an instant and he doesn't stop moving around and urging Ava and Sara to hurry until he has the controller in his hand and the taxi is ready to be driven around. He wants Ava to teach him to drive it and she feels vaguely bad for monopolizing him but her heart isn't steely enough to say no to him and, after getting permission from Sara, she indulges him.

Jay is a great sharer and lets Mari play with it, learning alongside him. Zari helps Ava with the kids and it's not until Ava hears a “We're done talking about this, mom!” as Sara comes back into the living room that Jay asks Ava if they can put the car away and looks at his mom with longing eyes.

“I'll find a place for it with your toys, you go ahead buddy,” she pushes him to Sara gently and Mari hugs Ava to thank her before scurrying away to her own parents.

“You're good with kids,” Zari says as they pick up after the children.

Ava snorts. “Not at all, I'm awful with kids. I'm just good with Jay. He makes it easy, he's a great kid.”

“ _That_ has to be hard for you to say,” Zari looks at her sympathetically. “You know, I have to admit, you're a better person than I am.”

Ava frowns, totally thrown. “You don't like Jay?”

Zari chuckles. “I love him. But if I were in love with the man Sara had him with, I don't know if I could be around Jay so easily. Not if he chose her over me.”

“What?” Ava feels even more confused.

“I mean, I know it's been ages, but everyone knows you were into Oliver back in high school. Must be hard knowing he got her pregnant second year of college and dumped her immediately after to never be seen again.”

Ava isn't sure she's breathing anymore. “Jay...” her heart stops, her lungs stop, her fucking brain stops. “Jay's Oliver's?”

“Oh, shit, Ava. I'm sorry. I thought you knew, I mean everyone knows-”

“It's okay,” she manages. But she looks over at the kid leaning on Sara and trying to make her smile after the fight she just had with Dinah and feels like it's _not_ okay. “It doesn't change anything,” it changes _everything_. “I wasn't even into Oliver, he made that up,” and it's the only honest thing she tells Zari before excusing herself.

She can see it now. Jay has his hair and his chin his nose and Ava may not have noticed it in the two months she's known him, but she can't un-see it now.

Jay's Oliver's.

It's not okay and it's so not fair, because Ava _loves_ him and he's Oliver's.

And it's not even the first time this has happened to her. It's not even the first time she's made this mistake.

  
  


//

  
  


Sara Lance has hated her since they were fourteen. Ava has always known that. She's known people had been telling Sara she was trying to keep her from Oliver, and like everyone else she must have assumed Ava thought she wasn't good enough or from a rich enough family for him, or that she wanted him for herself.

So, Sara's hated her. Ava honestly couldn't blame her.

But there's something to say for irony and harsh reality and unfairness, because. Because.

Ava's been a little bit in love with Sara since she was nine and taught Sara how to make s'mores the first night Sara was in girl scouts.

She hadn't known it then, of course. But her heart would leap seeing her around town, or when Sara texted her, ever since they became friends. Ava knew the telltales signs and she was sure whatever she was feeling wouldn't be allowed. Not to her. Not by her parents.

Seeing Sara again once she's sixteen, it's clear to her she's had a crush on this girl for years, so she does the one thing that'll keep her sane and avoids her as thoroughly as she can. Up until Sara sleeps with her best friend. Gets together with him. Gets treated like garbage by him. So Ava gets jealous and gets mad and begs him to treat her better – doesn't he understand how lucky he his that he gets to have her? That he's a boy and she's a girl and Ava can never have her the same? That she would treat her like the best thing in the universe and the fact that Oliver would forget to text her back for days on end is just criminal?

It's Zari who tells her, on their third-out-of-three conversation, “Can't you see? They'll always go back to each other. Stop trying to come between them, you won't be able to keep them apart. Nothing will.”

That night Ava tries one last time to make Oliver see reason, he tries to kiss her, she ditches him for good. She leaves town right after graduation and never looks back. But, eventually, she does come back because her mother has mentioned how Oliver hasn't been in town for years, so she takes his dream job and tries to feel vindicated instead of bitter.

Then she walks into her favourite diner – the food is supposedly garbage now, but she'll give it a try – and meets Sara all over again, and it's not long before she gets the same feeling she got that night around the campfire: like they're young, and free to be exactly who they are.

Ava knows Sara's straight and that they can only ever be just friends. And that's fine. Really, it is.

After all, this is not an _in love_ story. But it is a love story.

She meets a kid with Sara's eyes and Sara's laughter and in two months she learns to love him even though she never pictured herself as the kind of person who can be friends with her friend's child.

Ava _loves_ Jay.

But, just like Sara was all those years ago, he's Oliver's. He has his hair and his chin and his nose. He isn't hers to love. She loves him anyway.

  
  


//

  
  


Ava makes up a work emergency and leaves shortly after.

Sara insists via text they need to talk and, even though Ava has planned on never showing her face into that diner ever again, she finds herself opening its door on her Tuesday lunch break. She figured Zari has told Sara about her slip up, so the topic of Oliver will be brought up, and Ava is dreading it so much that she's almost relieved when Sara weirdly asks upon seeing her in lieu of a greeting:

“How much did you spend on the toy car?”

Ava frowns. “What?”

“Sorry, that sounded rude if you didn't know what has been going through my mind for the last two days, which... _obviously_ you can't,” she sighs. “My mom pointed out those things cost hundreds of dollars. And that they don't make cabs, so it might have even been costume made and it might have cost even more, but it wouldn't make sense because you knew about Jay's birthday just shortly before you showed up with it-”

“I feel like you'll be mad at the answer and the last thing I want to do is lie to you, so what are my chances you'll drop this if I give you my most innocent smile?” Ava tries it, uses her best angelic expression. It used to get her out of any kind of trouble with her father, although her mother not so much.

For a moment, Sara pauses. “Cute, Sharpe. But I just want to know.”

Ava sighs. “I ordered it after the first time we played with his old yellow car. He wanted a taxi, and he wanted to drive it. So I got it for him. Then the toy broke and the next day the one I ordered got delivered and... come on, Sara, it must've been some kind of a sign, right?”

“A sign that the toy car he had his grandpa paint yellow and stuck a paper he wrote taxi on on top of was a million years old and bound to break any day.”

Ava has at least the decency to look sheepish. “I didn't know about the no-spoiling policy when I ordered it. I'm sorry if I overstepped.”

“Why'd you spend hundreds of dollars on a toy for a kid you barely know?” Sara crosses her arms over her chest.

_Because he has your eyes._

“I don't know. I didn't think much of it, honestly. I know this is gonna make me sound like a conceited asshole, but, he wanted it and I wanted him to have it, so the price didn't matter. I didn't think- I wasn't, like, trying to show off or anything. I don't really care about money, but I know the only reason I can say that is that I have enough of it to not have to worry about it. I just... I wasn't thinking about the price when I was ordering it. I was thinking about how happy it would make him when he'd see it.”

Sara's expression softens a little bit and her arms uncross, but she still looks sour. She nods for Ava to follow her and they sit down at one of the tables in the corner.

“Zari said she mentioned Jay's father.”

Ava tries not to stiffen and look like a scorned puppy, but by the eye-roll Sara gives her she didn't make a grand job of it.

“The no-spoiling policy was me, not my mom. But I knew once Jay would be here I'd pretty much give him anything and everything, so I made her promise to enforce it before he was born. I don't want him to be spoiled, to get the wrong idea about money. I never wanted a cent from the Queen's, I don't want him to have the same relationship with money his father had.”

Ava frowns, looks at her own hands on the table and pushes her lips together. “Okay. I get not wanting the Queen's money,” she admits softly. “I grew up wealthy, but my parents stopped giving me money when I turned eighteen. Well, they had a college fund set up that paid for tuition and rent and pretty much everything else until I was in law school, so I still got the super easy and entitled way through college. But yeah, they basically threw me out when I came out, so thanks to my grandma for making my dad open that fund.”

Sara takes her hand, but doesn't interrupt. Ava squeezes back, but doesn't look up.

“After a couple of years I started talking to them again, but things between us are still tense sometimes, and I never started accepting money from them again. So yes, they put me through college but everything I have now is hard earned with a job I'm super good at. And people should use their hard earned money to make happy the people that are important to them, right?” She finally looks up and her tone is lighter, so Sara knows the hard part of the story is over. “And Jay's important to me. And when he's old enough I'd gladly explain the difference to him, or I'd even give it a try now if you wanted me to, because while, yes, I do think Queen's money might turn him into a dick, I'm sure mine won't, because, as I think you would agree, _I'm_ not a dick.”

Sara can't help but laugh at that and Ava smiles because _God, Jay has her laugh_.

“I want to be your friend. I care about you. I care about Jason. I'll ask before buying anything for him or you from now on, of course.”

Sara is looking at her with something in her eyes Ava has never seen before. She realizes this is the most she's told Sara about herself and they've been having lunches for weeks now, but Ava's just not that open about the past. It seems like Sara could figure out more about her with the load of info she just dropped than ever before, because there's clarity in her eyes and in her smile and her hand is so gentle Ava thinks it might kill her.

“Jason cares about you, too. So I guess I can learn to tolerate you.”

Ava rolls her eyes and swats her hand away and, to make sure there is no doubt in her mind it was a joke, Sara rounds the table and bends down to kiss her on the cheek before leaving to put her order in.

  
  



	2. such good friends, it has to end, it always does (do we take that risk?)

By the start of September, Sara has a new job, the hours are better, but she rarely can bring Jay to sit with her even if he behaves; she has more options now than a year ago, so she doesn't have to risk bringing him in too often and getting him fed up quickly with the new routine.

Sara now teaches four classes a day at a local gym. When Ava asks why the change Sara says “I wanted a job I'm super good at, too,” and Ava feels pride swell in her chest.

The new job means six hours a day and a two hour lunch break, but it also means three hours a day on weekends and Ava casually mentions she's available to “babysit whenever” with so much hope in her eyes, that Sara agrees to have her watch Jay on Saturdays like she did at the diner – except they now go to the park or to Ava's apartment or sometimes stay at Sara's.

Sara's free for dinner now, so even though they have lunch alone from time to time while Jay's in kindergarten, they also have dinner, the three of them, at least once a week.

Ava fits so effortlessly with them they don't realize what they're doing until they're settled into this routine that would make more sense for partners than friends.

  
  


Four months into Sara's new job, Ava's the go-to babysitter for emergencies, they have lunch at least twice a week alone and dinner with Jay on Thursdays. On Saturdays, after Ava babysits in the morning, the three of them go to lunch and spend the rest of the day goofing around; Ava often stays for dinner and after a while she stays until Jay's bedtime to read him a story, and after another while she stays well past Jay's bedtime to have a glass of wine with Sara and they talk about everything they can think of (or sometimes they don't talk at all, the silence fills their hearts just as much as the whispered secrets they share on those Thursday and Saturday nights). Ava enrols in Sara's Sunday morning fitness class just so she can see her more during weekends, when she doesn't have work to distract her and her apartment feels impersonal and lonely, and she ends up being dragged to Sunday brunch with the whole Lance family most weeks.

Ava knows it, the same way she knew when she saw Sara the first day of junior year, that this thing in her heart needs to be smothered young or it'll turn to love. So she tries her best to not feel it, but it doesn't stop her from sinking into their new routine with everything she is.

The reason why she's torturing herself is actually plain and simple, really: Jay loves her back. He tells her so, one rainy night at the end of January, after they have dinner and Ava reads him his favourite story, he's sleepy and cuddled into her, and Ava barely recognizes how dangerous the feeling is when she says she loves him back.

Ava spends so much time with him, he starts asking for her permission to do things when Sara's in the other room, he starts asking for her to read him bedtime stories whenever she has dinner at their place, he starts saying “I love you” every time they say goodbye.

Ava loves it. Ava hates it and she doesn't know why.

  
  


//

  
  


They almost kiss on a Saturday night on Sara's couch. They're on their second glass of red and Sara asks her to stay, she even offers up her bed, although Ava refuses to let her sleep on the couch.

They do this dance every time and it always ends up with Ava in the living room and Sara staring at her bedroom ceiling wondering why she's waiting around for her to make a move: it's been months and she doesn't even _like_ Ava. They tolerate each other.

Why is she waiting around for Ava to ask her out, then? People ask her on dates all the time, guys in town got over her having a kid the moment she started being a trainer at the gym, teaching classes in a sport bra and looking like the hottest girl in the joint.

Sara does _not_ like Ava Sharpe, it's ridiculous. It can't have anything to do with the reason she's been turning down people since they reconnected. It can't. It doesn't make sense. And Sara needs it to, she needs to know what this is.

So, that evening, she takes their glasses and puts them on the table before leaning in. Ava smiles a little when she moves and goes in as well, enveloping Sara in a hug. Sara wants to groan in frustration, instead she lets Ava whisper into her hair how glad she is they found each other again and Sara melts in her arms.

No, she doesn't tolerate Ava. She could never do anything but like Ava. Actually, she's been quite smitten with her for a while now.

This woman confuses her to the point of insanity, but she also... makes her feel loved and cherished in a way she never has. It's maddening.

Sara knows Ava wants her, at least on some level, and she knows Ava loves her. Now if she would just act on it, that'd be swell.

Because Sara's pretty sure she might actually kind of even _love_ Ava back.

  
  


//

  
  


Weirdly enough, Dinah solves this riddle for her on a random Sunday at the beginning of February. Even weirder, it starts with them fighting.

Ava drives her to work and then goes to drop Jay off with Sara's parents – yes, Ava has a carseat for Jay in her car now, top of the line, more expensive than Sara would have liked, but Ava had said it technically wasn't a gift, it was for her own car and for Jay's safety, so it was non-negotiable; Sara had sighed, but smiled when she thought Ava wasn't looking at her anymore.

Then, Ava goes to the gym and sweats to near dehydration in Sara's class. She's walking out of the locker ready to drive Sara to brunch when it happens. There's this dude, he's in the same class Ava goes to, that is insisting Sara goes to dinner with him. Sara is shooting him down gently but surely, but the dude won't take a hint.

When Sara finally gets rid of him by saying in no uncertain terms: “I'm taken.” Ava's already looking half pissed off and half heart-broken and it makes Sara's blood boil, and she's not sure it's in a bad way. Ava has no right to be jealous; Sara's been right there for months, and Ava hasn't made a move, but there's no mistaking the anger coming off of her in waves. It's soothing, somehow, because it has to mean Ava wants her, too. Ironically enough, the storm raging in Ava's eyes settles Sara's own heart a little.

Until. Until they get in the car.

Ava slams the door and drives silently until she's calm enough to speak with her voice wavering just the tiniest bit.

“You're not _his_.”

Sara thinks she's talking about the dude who just asked her out. She thinks Ava's finally going to tell her what they should both know by this point: Sara's hers. She's been for months, really, she's been since the day Ava played pretend with a napkin holder making her son smile when he wouldn't.

“He doesn't deserve your devotion to him. I hate that you're waiting for him when he could never love you the way that-” _that I love you_ “-that you deserve to be loved.”

Sara's so focused on her own line of thoughts that it takes a minute before she gets what the fuck Ava is talking about. _Oliver_.

She thinks Sara meant she's taken the same way Zari liked to point out she was taken years ago, even when she wasn't: like her going back to Oliver was inevitable, like they would always belong to each other even from worlds apart.

Sara's been coaxing Ava into this healthy, proper, loving relationship and this whole time Ava's been waiting for the day she'd lose her. No wonder she hasn't made a move. It makes Sara's blood boil, in the worst way possible this time.

“You're such an idiot,” Sara tells her harshly. “How could you think I was talking about him? Have you not been paying attention _at all_?”

Sara's voice is already raising and Ava's almost sure she's about to start full on yelling, but the car door on Sara's side opens and Laurel's voice filters in the car as she helps her out, not noticing the tense atmosphere inside the car. Ava looks angry, confused, there's an inner turmoil there that Sara can't look at anymore because it makes no sense.

It doesn't have to be this hard. Sara's here with Ava. Why can't Ava stop picturing her wanting to stay in the past?

Lunch is tense for the first half hour. Dinah even asks Sara to help in the kitchen and goes fishing for an explanation but she just sighs and shakes her head, so her mother drops it and they walk back into the living room. Ava's making airplane's sounds with her mouth and feeding Jay when they get back and he's giggling and opening his mouth even though he keeps telling her he's too old for this, now. Sara wants to start screaming again. The nerve of this woman.

Ava looks up and it's easy to see that all the anger's faded the moment she kissed Jay's head. She gets up when Sara walks to them and she's painfully aware of Jay looking up at them curiously, but she knows if she doesn't say this now Sara will spend the whole lunch holding a grudge and it'll only make it worse.

“I'm sorry,” she whispers.

Dinah's narrowing her eyes at them, Quentin and Laurel are more discreet but Sara has no doubt the attention's on them. Sara doesn't want her to apologize, she wants her to _understand_. But this is not the place for that.

“Next time you don't understand something I say, just ask what I mean.”

Ava knows she's being scolded in the same way Jay gets scolded when Sara asks him to put away his toys and he throws them in a pile the lazy way so she makes him do it again. Ava makes that angelic face she's taught Jay how to make to get out of trouble, and smiles at Sara sheepishly once she's sure it's working. Sara rolls her eyes and sighs heavily, because Ava knows she's gotten away with whatever she's done – Ava's still not sure just yet about what that is exactly.

“We'll talk about it later, okay?” Ava offers.

It makes Sara a little less annoyed that she's at least willing to try, to listen, so she counts it as a win. She kisses Sara's cheek, lingering for a moment, and feels her smile into it, so she decides to scatter while she's ahead and moves the chair next to Jay that she was occupying, holding it for Sara as she sits down and then moves to sit on Sara's other side just as Dinah starts filling their plates.

It's around the time they're finishing the pasta that Laurel brings up she has been seeing someone for a few weeks now. Quentin asks seven questions rapid fire and Laurel ignores them all in favour of answering Dinah's “Is he nice?”

“He's handsome.”

“So he's a douche,” Sara snorts.

“Oh, please Sara, you don't get to judge how douche-y are the people I date,” Laurel points out.

“Hey, what's that supposed to mean?!”

“Well, honey, it's true that you don't have the best track record,” Dinah answers calmly. “Aside from the obvious, I still have nightmares about that British fella you went on a date with when you were sixteen. He thought demons were real.”

“Let's not forget the petty criminal you dated for almost a month when you started high school. He was fourteen and carried a gun around,” Quentin fakes a shudder and Laurel laughs.

“It wasn't even a real gun, dad,” Sara rolls her eyes, annoyed with the topic at hand, but her mother might actually put an end to the madness that's been going on for weeks and months, when she casually says:

“That girl you dated first year of college was nice. Well, to be fair, she was a little nuts and her dad was a mobster. But, you know, prospective is key.”

Ava's fork pauses halfway to her mouth and she looks completely floored. Sara's pretty sure she's the only one who notices Ava's flabbergasted expression, but it makes her pause as well. Doesn't Ava know? Oh, good Lord, doesn't Ava _know_?

“Oh, yeah, I remember her,” Laurel nods and then points her fork to Sara. “Too bad you dumped her to go back to asshole number one.”

“Laurel,” Sara chastises, covering her son's ears. “Don't swear in front of your nephew.”

“Sorry,” she shrugs. “Hey, actually, didn't you dump all of them to go back to a-hole number one?”

Ava goes from shocked to trying not to look half pissed off and half broken-hearted again and Sara has never wanted to scream more in her life. The urge to fight with Ava until she finally gets it fades when she realizes her sister is waiting for her to answer.

“Laurel! Stop. Swearing.”

“I censored myself. Look, I'm just saying we're all _so_ very glad you aren't dating douchebags anymore, couldn't be more happy about this,” she gestures around the table vaguely and Sara holds her breath, but Ava's still too lost in her own head to pick up the fact that Sara's entire family think they're dating. “But you really cannot judge the people I pick,” she chuckles.

_Oh_. They're joking about her past because they think she and Ava are together, happy and deliriously in love. Well. They are happy a good five days out of seven each week. Seven out of seven if they manage to facetime on the days they can't see each other. And, Sara doesn't know about Ava, but, right now, delirious feels just about the right word to describe this thing she's feeling. So the main thing is, they aren't together.

Sara's sure she looks like she's trying to solve a math problem because a moment later Dinah's asking Laurel to help in the kitchen. So it's just her sister who thinks they're dating, then. Ava comes back to the present when Laurel's loud “What?! They're not?” comes from the other room and she frowns and turns to Sara looking for an explanation.

Sara makes it a point to avoid her eyes for the rest of lunch.

Ava is silent, more so than usual, and when Jay falls asleep right after lunch Sara insists it's time to go home. She doesn't invite Ava in, but Ava parks and gets out of her car anyway. Sara passes her the keys so she doesn't have to balance Jay on one arm to open the door and Ava lets them in before following, settling Sara's gym bag in its proper place and then discarding her coat and gloves and scarf. She starts sorting through the toys scattered in the living room while she waits for Sara to walk back downstairs, just to have something to do.

It's how Sara finds her, fiddling with a truck she's not sure where to put. She ends up handing it to Sara and standing awkwardly in the middle of the room as the younger woman moves around her for the few moments it takes to put it down and turn back to Ava.

When she crosses her arms and raises one eyebrow, staring without speaking, Ava knows she's been entrusted with choosing the topic they get to talk about first. The fight and anger have left her confused and weary, full of something she doesn't understand that feels a lot like dread. She doesn't know if whatever happened in the car this morning was their first official fight or if it was just a quarrel, she just knows she doesn't want a repeat anytime soon.

She means to apologize about bringing Oliver up, about telling Sara what to do when it's so clearly not her place, about anything and everything until Sara forgives her and smiles again, but what comes out of her mouth instead is:

“So, you date women?”

Sara gives herself ten whole seconds of relief that Ava's chosen the right thing to bring up.

“I thought you knew. I haven't exactly been hiding it.”

“You never brought it up either.”

“I didn't think I had to,” Sara points out, her arms uncrossing, hands shooting wide for a moment like she thinks the reason why it's self explanatory. Ava's eyes tell her it isn't, so she clarifies: “I thought it was pretty clear there's a woman in my life I'd very much like to date, if she'd just stop dwelling about my ex and actually make a move.”

For a moment Ava makes a scolding face that says “ _What kinda idiot would have you interested in them and think about your ex_ ” without her having to utter a word and Sara thinks she might have to spell it out for her, but a second later Ava recoils and mutters: “Oh.”

“Yeah. _Oh_.” Sara mocks. She walks to Ava cautiously, almost rounding her like she would a wild animal, almost fearing Ava's a sudden move away from bolting. “Stop being so scared,” Sara whispers once she's standing in front of her. “I'm here. I _want_ to be here,” her arms go around Ava's shoulders and she plays with the baby hair at the base of her neck the way she knows calms Ava down. “Don't you?”

Ava looks so confused for a moment, then so self conscious. Sara doesn't know, of course. How could she? Sara doesn't know Ava's loved her for so long it became a song in her heart she trained herself to mute. Unlearning to tune it down won't be hard, but once she does there's no muting it again. The notes of her heart will yearn for Sara forever.

And, well, Sara doesn't know that, no, but she does know it's been eight months of having Ava in her life without _having Ava_ and she's at the end of her wits as to why. It doesn't have to be this complicated, it makes no sense that something so _right_ it's so hard. Their lives entangled without them trying, they fit together like puzzle pieces, like two halves of the same torn up love letter. They just have to get close enough to test that it's a perfect fit of their edges, and Sara's not afraid of that, because she already _knows_ it is.

“I don't think I've ever wanted anything this much,” Ava admits so softly that if their noses weren't almost pressed together Sara would have missed it.

They meet halfway, Ava's arms around her waist are holding her so close their hips touch before their lips do, but the kiss is soft. Like Ava's afraid that she could shatter whatever equilibrium they just reached. Sara hums when Ava holds her tighter and presses against her firmly, scratching the nape of Ava's neck until she melts into Sara and starts kissing her like she means it.

And it's perfect. It's so perfect that Ava looses herself in it completely. A languid kiss evolves into another and turns back to tender, then shifts to longing again, then back to sweet. It makes her weak in the knees, so much so that it's just minutes after they start kissing that Ava knows they have to sit down before she falls on her ass and ruins this.

Ava guides Sara to the couch blindly – for a moment Sara feels mad again, the fact that Ava can move in her home with her eyes closed so well is a testament to how long they've waited, how long they could have been doing this for. But Ava's tongue gently moves against hers and the anger dissipates, replaced by the urge to make up for lost time instead.

Sara lands on the couch and tugs Ava along, sighing contently once she's sitting down and their lips can connect again. It makes her head spin how right it feels, how in tune they move, like they've been doing this a lifetime instead of ten minutes. Ava's hand on her hip is reassuring, her thumb is stroking Sara's skin on her side just above the waistband of her pants and it feels so tender it makes Sara move closer despite the awkward angle. And she smells amazing, intoxicating, like Sara could breathe her in forever, maybe because she's already so used to it, to associating Ava with it. And _God_ , her lips are so soft. Her skin is so soft. Everything about Ava is soft.

Sara feels the urge to be as gentle as Ava's being, because she never wants this to stop feeling so safe and tender.

Ava's head is reeling, too. One day – hell, one hour – ago, she would have slapped herself for even thinking about Sara this way. And now she's kissing her like she'll never get the chance again, feeling Sara's hands tug her hair, grab her neck, pulling her in, trying to have her closer even though Ava's as close as she can get without sitting in Sara's lap.

It feels like soaring and the lump in her throat doesn't make sense. She's wanted this for so long. So long. God, she can't lose this. She can't screw this up. They need to talk about this, they need to- Sara needs to know Ava loves her. Ava needs to tell her.

The hands that were pulling her in a second before are now pushing on her shoulders, putting distance between them quickly, and Ava feels panic spread like wildfire in her chest as she immediately leans back, suddenly worried she misinterpreted something. But Sara doesn't see it: she turns her head to the stairs as she squeezes Ava's thigh with one hand to maintain at least some sort of physical contact.

Jay comes jogging in a moment later and Ava feels herself breathing again.

“Hey baby, couldn't sleep?”

He nods, rubbing sleep from his eyes and walking around the couch to hop on between them. Sara's hand slips away from Ava's thigh but she moves Jay to sit in her lap so she can scoot closer to Ava and lean against her, placing her head on the taller woman's shoulder.

“Stop being so scared,” Sara whispers for a second time.

To Ava, it feels like a screamed order, she feels it deep in her heart, she feels the reassurance of it in a dark, insecure place she tries not to acknowledge most times. She hugs Sara closer to herself with one arm and ruffles Jay's hair with her other hand.

“You look about ready to drop asleep again, little one.”

“'m awake. Wanna play before you have to leave,” he says, knowing Ava doesn't stay late on Sundays.

“Ava's staying for dinner,” Sara says in a way that leaves absolutely no room for arguing. “Why don't we play outside for a bit? You can go pick something to do if you want.”

Jay's immediately awake at that, and is already running to the backdoor.

Ava hugs Sara closer and whispers, “So I'm staying, uh?”

Sara turns to hide her face against her neck so hopefully Ava doesn't see the dumb, happy, elated smile on her lips. “Hopefully, you're staying for a very, very long time.”

The knot in Ava's throat melts away when Sara presses her lips to the hollow of it and she decides there's no need to say anything: Sara knows already.

  
  


//

  
  


They go on their first date Tuesday at lunch.

They haven't really talked about it but it's a silent agreement to keep this between them until they're settled into a new routine. Ava wants to go fancy, to go big, but Sara doesn't like fancy, and it's lunch between gym classes so she gets them burgers from a place she knows Sara loves and drives them to a spot they can overlook the whole town from.

Sara used to like when Oliver took her to some five star restaurant, bringing her expensive flowers, trying to make up for whatever mistake he'd made that week. It made her feel worth at least something.

Now, eating burgers in her sweatpants sitting on the hood of Ava's car in the middle of nowhere, looking down at their city, looking at Ava laughing ungraciously at her jokes, she feels worth _everything_. Ava just gets her, somehow. She gets that Sara doesn't want their lunch dates to be different or fancy, she wants to keep doing what they've been doing for months and give it another name, because she's been _happy_ with Ava. Well, she wants to add some PG-13 make out before they get back to work possibly, but aside from that, she really doesn't want anything Ava hasn't already been giving her since day one.

“What got you so serious?” Ava asks and looks around, suddenly looking a little nervous and subtly glancing around them. It's easy to see she's second guessing herself, but the date's been really great and Sara won't have her doubt it.

“I was just thinking how right this feels. And I was thinking we've been dating for months without noticing it, and that it's been so perfect I hope it stays the same.”

Judging by the brilliant smile Ava gives her, that's exactly what she's been feeling, too. Sara really does think they fit just right.

“So that's a no to dressing Jay in a bowtie and taking you both out on our Thursday dinner to buy you a hundred dollars steak?”

Sara laughs and throws a fry at her face and Ava moves closer to kiss her square on the lips before whispering, “I hope a few things can change.”

Sara melts into her and kisses her again for long, drawn out moments. “Maybe we can negotiate on the bowtie,” she whispers and Ava laughs and she looks so happy Sara falls a little bit harder for her right then and there.

  
  


//

  
  


They've been dating for almost a month when, on a Sunday, Sara asks her parents to watch Jay for the afternoon and instead of family brunch they go to an actual restaurant for lunch, and then end up making out on the couch for half an hour.

Ava makes her feel like her skin's on fire. She isn't entirely sure someone ghosting their fingertips across her ribcage or up her shoulder blade has ever felt like this. She needs Ava's hands to move somewhere a little less innocent though, so when she feels like she can't stand it anymore, she leans back and looks into Ava's eyes.

Whatever coy line had been on her lips a moment before dissipates when she sees that light sea blue dripping with lust.

She takes Ava's hand and leads her up the stairs without a word and if Ava doesn't get it now that it's okay to start being a little bolder Sara's ready to spell it out for her.

Ava steps through the door and barely has the time to look around – she's been in Sara's room before, sure, but this feels _different_ , so much so she thinks maybe she's supposed to notice something new – when she feels hands on her lower back tugging her shirt up and over her head. Sara peels it off and then attaches her lips to Ava's spine, tracing a path to her shoulder and when she meets the fabric of Ava's bra strap she guides it away gently with her fingers before scraping her teeth slowly on the skin of Ava's back.

_Oh_. That's the new thing Ava's supposed to notice. Them.

Ava turns in her arms to kiss her again and they move in sync, discarding clothes and aiming for the bed a few feet away from them. Things get easier when they're laying down, and it doesn't feel like Ava's legs are gonna give out any second.

Sara likes control and Ava likes Sara, so she tries her best to keep her heart from spilling out of her chest, but it's useless. It's just better with feelings, Ava thinks. So she ends up whispering against Sara's neck everything she's dreamt of telling her for the past several months. How soft her skin is, how good she feels pressed against Ava, how beautiful she looks like this, how lucky Ava feels to be the one who gets to touch her this way. With each confession Sara holds her closer and closer and something swells inside her chest with every sentence Ava utters against her skin.

“You're the best thing that's ever happened to me,” Ava says reverently and it might be the happiest she's felt in her life.

Ava holds her when Sara feels miles above the clouds, grounding her back to Earth. After catching her breath, she worships Ava's body until she's sure there isn't a part of her that isn't Sara's and with every second of it she feels everything between them crumble and shatter, until she's sure that never have two people been as close in the history of humankind.

It's almost dark outside – March days don't last as long as they'd want them to – and Sara is sleepy and cuddled into her when she tells her: “I love you.”

And just like with Jay, Ava barely lets herself feel how dangerous that feeling is when she softly admits to Sara: “I love you, too.”

  
  


//

  
  


This, is a love story. It also becomes, incidentally, an _in love_ story.

Ava loves them. Ava loves, loves, loves, and begs her head to stop screaming they're not hers to love.

They are. They have to be. Because there's no doubt that Ava's theirs.


	3. I want you more than I've wanted anyone (isn't that dangerous?)

With the one exception of their almost-fight in the car that lasted a grand total of fifteen minutes, they've never really argued. They used to wrap their sentences in irony and use passive-aggressiveness as a weapon once upon a time, bickering was definitely centre stage in their early quasi-friends days, but nothing major.

That must be why, almost six months into their newfound blissful relationship, their first fight catches them off guard.

“Don't you understand this isn't sustainable long term, Ava?!”

Sara doesn't like raising her voice, especially if Jay's around, but they've been going at this for longer than a soccer match and she's starting to feel so frustrated that the volume raises on its own.

“It wouldn't be forever,” she says again, trying to stay calm.

“Right, just until he's, what, twenty?!”

“No,” Ava matches her tone defensively. “He'll go to college when he's eighteen and we can revisit this then.”

“You're being ridiculous!”

“You're being stubborn.”

“You're being _rude_ ,” Jay says, walking into the room stomping his feet. “No yelling, you don't yell when you have too many feelings. You need a little time out,” he crosses his arms.

“Jay-” Sara sighs and steps to him, but he points his little finger to the couch.

“You know the rules,” he says in a way that makes Ava wonder if he's been briefly possessed by Sara. “If you yell you need a little time out. Both of you.”

He points to the couch again and when they stand their ground he takes Ava's hand and leads her to it before doing the same with Sara.

“You're yelling because you don't know the words to say what you feel. So take a little time out and look for the right words,” Jay repeats what Sara has taught him.

They nod and do their best not to smile at his adorable scolding. He stomps away and sits down on the floor a few feet from them, turning on his taxi car and driving it around from his spot.

They watch him for a few moments, then glance at each other and before they can think better of it their hands are moving in the space between them on the couch, their fingers intertwine and all their tangled up knots come undone.

“I'm not asking you to move in,” Sara whispers so Jay won't hear. “I just want you to spend some nights here without rushing off at midnight or sneaking out to the couch. I don't get why you don't want to be here.”

“God, Sara,” Ava scoots closer and changes the hand holding Sara's so her arm can circle her shoulders. “I want to be here so much, I want to be here whenever I'm not.”

Sara chances a glance at her and sees nothing but sincerity in Ava's eyes. It confuses her so much more.

“I love Jay, so much. And I don't want him to hate me or be mad at me because he feels I take up too much of your time or his space or- or of your _home_.”

“But he won't feel that way. And if he does we'll talk about it.” Sara puts her forehead against Ava's and looks into her eyes. “We're dating, Ava. And it's not... this isn't casual, it isn't temporary, it isn't deferrable until he's eighteen. This is headed somewhere clear. This is headed to you being a part of our home and our family. Isn't it?”

Ava lets out a shaky breath that trembles against Sara's lips. She nods, but doesn't say how much she wants it to be, because she knows she'll cry if she speaks now.

“We have to take _some_ steps eventually. So, this Saturday, you'll spend the night. We'll go to bed early, and on Sunday you're going to help me set up for his birthday party.”

There is a total amount of zero questions in Sara's whole speech. There never seem to be a question, whenever Sara wants them to move forward she'll just tell Ava what they have to do and Ava will recognize how much of a fantastic idea it is (although sometimes it takes some bribing).

“Yes. Okay.”

Sara beams, hugging her, and kisses her cheek. Ava presses her lips to Sara's shoulder and prays that it can be as easy as Sara makes it out to be.

“Good job, guys. Time out's over now that you're all love-y and kiss-y faces again,” Jay saunters over and they pick him up so he can be hugged between them. “Don't fight ever again, please. I like it better when we're all happy.”

“You're so wise little one,” Ava says and then scatters kisses across half his face in the way he pretends annoys him but makes him giggle and smile. “How old are you turning this week, again? Fifty?”

“Five!”

Sara gasps. “That cannot be true, how can my tiny peanut be five already?!”

Jay laughs louder and tells her, “I'll always be peanut, mom.” Then, after a second, he adds, “And I'll always be little one.”

“And we'll always, always love you. Even when you're a teenager who doesn't let us kiss him in public anymore,” Sara tells him and kisses his face the same way Ava did a minute before, soundly and playfully.

He giggles again and then wiggles out of the couch to go back to playing.

Sara looks at Ava and she's not even sure she's breathing. She leans over and kisses her cheekbone softly, then whispers in her ear: “He wants you here. For a long, long time. And I do, too. So just... stay.”

And Ava does.

  
  


//

  
  


Sara can't believe Ava's been in their lives fifteen months. She can't believe she walked into that diner in her fancy clothes and expensive sunglasses and made Sara believe life can be awesome and love can be happy.

Ava has made her want to be better; not for Jay, she's always tried to do best by him, but for herself. Sara has a job she loves and a woman she loves and said woman spoils her rotten in all the ways that count.

Ava cooks them dinner and cuts back on work and drives them to the beach on weekends during summer. She drops everything when Dinah calls saying Jay's got a fever and Sara's not checking her phone because she's in the middle of a class and runs home and acts level-headed enough to get his temperature down before crying from the worry and the panic. Even back when they were just friends, she planned Sara's birthday party for a whole month and gave Sara hints so she wouldn't be sad when it felt like everyone forgot – Ava can't stand to see Sara sad, not even for a day.

When Sara's phone breaks down after being due for a while, Ava tells her she has an old one she isn't using and gives it to Sara and forgets to take the price tag off the box. Sara gets better at accepting gifts that aren't always cheap.

Ava plays with Jay when he's cranky and doesn't want anyone but Sara around, but Sara can't be there with him. She coaxes him into understanding work and commitment are important and he gets better at it with time. Some days, when he misses Sara the most, Jay decides on a no guests allowed policy once she's back from the gym, not even his grandparents, it just needs to be the three of them for a while. Ava almost cries when he includes her in his no-guests days and it feels heavy, heavier than it has any right to be, because Ava spends almost every other night with them by October, and almost every night by November. Most days, Jay's a happy ball of sunshine the same way he was when Ava first met him and brings so much joy into her life it feels like her heart can't take anymore.

Jay loves her the way only kids can, completely and unconditionally. Even when Ava's having her worst days, Jay loves her without pause, the same way Sara does. It changes her. You can't be loved like that and stay the same.

Ava has a drawer, and room in the closet in Sara's bedroom, she has her own seat at the table that's _hers_ and Jay fusses if anyone else sits there.

Ava has a place.

Her bad days have nothing to do with them. Her bad days are marked by having to work for twelve hours or by a seven minutes phone call with her mother that reminds her life can be terrible. But bad days are rarer and rarer.

They never really tell people.

Back in May, when Ava's late for brunch one Sunday she's skipped the gym, she walks in she kisses Jay's head and Sara's lips. Dinah tears up, Quentin smiles and Laurel rolls her eyes and that's about it. Nora knows, she's talked her ear off for months and months, she's known from the start. Ray knows. She doesn't really have other friends, and she doesn't have anyone here in Star City. Sara told Zari somewhen before Jay's birthday back in August.

They've sat down with Jay and when they told him they'd been dating he made the same face he gave Laurel that time she tried to tell him that, if you put a finger in your nose, boogers start growing out your nails. He'd looked at his aunt and said, “That's not true,” like he was too smart to be fooled. They tell him and Jay goes: “I know. You've kissed in front of me.” He saunters off and goes about his business as usual and doesn't even bat an eye. Nothing changes, not to him. Kind of anti-climatic, really.

  
  


//

  
  


It happens in December, right before the Holidays. Ava's been in their life for about eighteen months – they've been dating for ten of those.

She's untangling Q.C.'s latest mess and making sure the company stays on top, when Robert calls her into his office. She's asked to sit down and from the smile on his face she assumes it's good news.

(Ava has learned long before that good news for Queen Consolidates doesn't always mean good news for her.)

He just says it, like it's not Ava's greatest fear come to life. He sits down, sighs happily, and just says it.

“So, Oliver's coming back to town.”

Ava feels that thing she feels when her blood pressure drops and her head feels light and her ears ring a little. “Wh- he is? When?”

“Two weeks, he'll probably start after the New Year, so in under a month. Listen, Sharpe, obviously you've done a good job here, a year and a half that has probably been the best your department has ever seen. Just as it needs to be when he takes over.”

Her mouth is dry, her eyes are burning, there's a lump in her throat the size of the fucking building. “Excuse me?”

“Yes, he's meant to take over as CEO one day, so he'll have the head department title, but you'll still be doing the same job. Just... alongside him.”

The same job. Meaning she'll be doing Oliver's job but he'll get the credit.

“I didn't know he graduated law school.”

“Went back to school a few years back, just passed his board exam.”

Fresh out of college, he means. And Ava'll be doing his work for him.

“So, you're demoting me.”

“No, no. You'll be making the same money. He'll just have the title. You get it.”

She does. Oliver's been getting everything she's ever wanted her whole life, hasn't he? A skateboard for his tenth birthday, parents who'd die to protect him when hers threw her out, a dad who fixes his screw ups. _Sara_ , a part of her brain she wants to silence says; it's an awful thought and she wishes she could un-think it the second it crosses her mind.

“Of course, I get it.”

“Good. Good,” Robert nods and smiles, satisfied with the answer.

Ava gets up from her chair slowly and thinks about how Ray's been begging her to go work for Palmer Tech since he and Nora are moving into town next month to start the new branch on the West Coast. She loves Ray and Nora and she hates the Queen's. Why the hell she's been saying no to him is beyond her, because whatever loyalty she had to the company is obviously not reciprocated.

“You can consider this my two weeks notice,” Ava says evenly.

“I beg your-”

“I quit. I'm the only reason you've stayed afloat the past year after the Merlyn disaster and you're demoting me for someone who doesn't have a tenth of my qualifications. I have enough vacation days saved up, so I'll clear my desk right now and head out within the hour. Good luck with everything.”

Ava walks out and feels like she has completely forgotten how to breathe. It feels like the ground's crumbling around her and the sky's falling from above her. So she stares ahead and prays that whatever's behind her won't swallow her whole.

  
  


//

  
  


She calls Ray and he's so happy she's going to be his right arm and he's talking a hundred miles an hour about why this is such great news and how he and Nora will see her as soon as they get into town in a couple of weeks.

She doesn't know how to tell Sara. When Ava uses her keys to open the front door – her hand trembles when her mind wonders _how long 'til she wants these back?_ , even though that's not fair and it's not healthy, she hates the insecurities clouding her mind from the very second she's heard that name. The first sound she hears is Jay's laugh and a moment later she sees Sara chasing him into the living room and catching him just as Ava steps into the room.

“Hey, you're home early,” she smiles up at her, but it drops when she sees Ava standing there with the keys still in her hands and her coat still on. “Hey baby, can you go check the timer on the cookies, please?” Sara asks Jay gently, putting him back on the ground.

He giggles and mutters: “That's code for 'me and Ava need to make kiss-y faces at each other for ten minutes',” and hurries away like his shoes are on fire, but in passing by Ava, he tugs her coat and she bends down to press a lingering kiss to the crown of his head, murmuring an “I love you so much,” against his hair.

“I love you to infinity!” He says in the same way Sara does and hugs her legs tightly before walking to the kitchen.

“Do I get a kiss, too?” Sara asks, trying to stay playful despite everything about Ava's stance telling her there's not going to be anything playful about whatever's happening.

Ava opens her arms slightly and places her hands on Sara's elbows when Sara grabs her hips. Like she's trying to keep Sara close. Like she's trying to keep her just distant enough at the same time.

In the several months they've been together, Ava has almost never been able to deny Sara anything, so she leans in and gives her a kiss. Soft and careful. Ava's lips feel dry and scratchy, like she's been crying. Her eyes are a little red, too, now that Sara's close enough to properly look, and her make up doesn't look done that morning, but like it's been re-applied in her car. Sara knows Ava cries when she's sad and when she's angry and, given her stance, it could be very well either one.

“I'm sorry I have to tell you like this. I've done something that-”

That is probably not the best way to start telling this to a woman who's been through every possible heartbreak the way Sara has. She starts to pulls away, disbelief and confusion clear on her features, but Ava holds on to her elbows and keeps her where she is even though her first instinct is to let her go already.

“No. No, don't move away yet,” Ava begs without looking up from the space left between their chests. “Sorry, that's not- It's- It's not that bad,” she knows her parents will be furious and even though Ava hated it there it feels like a loss to her, too. Like she's yielding to Oliver. Like he's taking this from her. “I quit my job,” she says before Sara can go through every bad thing that might have happened in her mind.

Sara looks at her for a long moment and then sighs in relief when she sees Ava's being honest. “Okay. Okay. Good.”

“Good?”

“You hated it there. Screw that company. You can always sub-rent your condo and move here, if unemployment makes things tough,” Sara brings up the same idea she's been subtly bringing up for two whole weeks now.

“I'm not unemployed,” Ava murmurs. “I took another job, the one Ray's been offering me.”

“Great! I know you love him and I can't wait to meet him and Nora. Then what are you so down about, babe? You _hated_ it there, this sounds like good news. What made you finally leave it?”

Ava holds her elbows tighter. “He demoted me. Same workload, same pay, but different title.”

Sara scoffs. “You've been working your butt off for them and he demotes you? He really is a dick, the name Robert suits him.”

Ava actually cracks a brief smile at that, but it's short lived. “Someone else was meant for the spot.”

“Someone better than you? Not possible. You're the best,” Sara tries to make her smile again, her arms sneaking around Ava's shoulders and for a second Ava circles her waist and holds her closer.

“No. He's not better than me. Fresh out of law school. But he... he was _meant_ for the job. It was always his to have.”

It comes out a little bitter and the fact that Ava still isn't looking into her eyes tells her everything she needs to know.

The silence stretches on, but eventually Sara decides the best way to make Ava understand – if there is a way, because Sara's been _trying_ – is to let her see how little does this matter to her. She waves a hand through Ava's hair and watches Ava's features closely when her eyes close on instinct at Sara's gentle touch.

“You were the best person for that job. It was your job, and giving it away is stupid and nepotism and just... stupid. Don't make this out to be your fault. It wasn't fair that he demoted you, and you were right to quit. I'm happy you'll be working somewhere you like,” Sara plays with the hair at the nape of her neck in the way that relaxes her and at the same time uses her hand to coax Ava closer, to mould their bodies tighter together.

Ava looks at her, finally. She's confused and worried and so uncertain. Sara hates it.

“That's all you have to say about this?”

“Yes, baby. And that I hope Ray Palmer pays you less so you'll finally sublet the condo and actually take me seriously when I say I'd like you to think about moving in.”

Sara knows it wouldn't really make a difference even if Ray did pay her less. Ava's good at saving up and her rent is not really that expensive. But it's the principle of the thing.

“Sara.” Ava's hands press into her lower back, clutching to her shirt like she's afraid Sara will slip right through her arms if she doesn't hold on tight enough. “He'll be back here in two weeks.”

Sara doesn't really care. She doesn't want to see him. It's the last thing she wants, if she actually thinks about it. The last time they spoke Sara told him she was pregnant and Oliver subtly suggested she should take care of it. Sara doesn't know why it has to be such a big deal that he'll live somewhere with the same postcode as them, but she knows it is.

It might be because she kept going back to him every time life gave them the opportunity. When he was around everyone else used to fade into dullness and she'd get sucked back into his orbit the same way she'd always be the one Oliver would want around for more than a night or a week. They've been clawing at each other since she was sixteen, hurting each other, hurting everyone around them.

But Ava – sweet, soft, beautiful Ava – can't become collateral damage. Sara loves her too much. Sara loves her the most.

She remembers how it felt when Oliver would leave. Flames burning hotter than hell and angry sadness, but the stubbornness to prove to him she'd survive him again and be stronger for it and almost move on, up until they would take each other back.

It would never be the same if Ava left her. It couldn't. Because... When she pictures life without Ava there are no flames or anger, there's just this grey feeling in her chest and a spot in her heart meant to be vacant for the rest of her life. An empty chair at the kitchen table. Someone missing during family lunches. One mat at the gym Sara would insist stay empty on Sundays just in case she decides to ever show up again. Her phantom memory filling Sara's room, lingering forever on her bed and between her walls. Jay asking “When's Ava going to get home?” the way he starts doing hours before she's meant to arrive but he never stops asking again. She pictures herself trying to disentangle two mashed up strings of yarn that got too tangled up together to ever be able to exist as two separate things again.

“Don't leave me over this.”

The broken, scared request doesn't come from Ava, surprisingly. It tumbles past Sara's lips before she can stop it and before she realizes it she's clutching to Ava's shoulders holding onto her the same way Ava's hands are on her waist.

“I love you,” she tells her, kissing her lips like that's the only way to make Ava understand. “I _love_ you,” she whispers against Ava's mouth. Sara's arms tighten and they're so close Ava's holding her up against herself a bit now, at least Sara assumes she is because the height difference is gone and she's on her tiptoes but there's not the strain that usually comes with the familiar position. They breathe against each other's lips and Sara kisses her again, hurried and then slow and then hard. Ava kisses her back but she's not _saying_ anything and it's disheartening. “Ava.”

It's the way Sara says her name, pleadingly and desperately, that turns Ava's gear back into forward again. She presses her lips to Sara's throat without really kissing it, just to feel her heartbeat against her own lips. “I love you back. I love you. I would never leave you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.”

  
  


That night Ava reads Jay a bedtime story and Sara locks the door when they get to her room.

Ava touches her like she might never get the chance again and Sara doesn't know how to make that feeling go away. A couple of her tears fall on Sara's skin and it's- it was never supposed to be like this.

“Stop.”

Ava's hand recoils like Sara's skin turned into ice with the one word.

“No, not this,” Sara brings her hand back to her own ribs and slides it gently up. “Stop thinking about... whatever it is you're thinking. I'm here. I'll be here tomorrow, I'll be here a year from now, with _you_. Ava, I love you. Look at me. Nothing can drag me away from you. You'll have me as long as you want me.”

Ava's bottom lip trembles and she almost shakes her head. “But I'll always want you.”

“Then you'll always have me.”

Ava does the most dangerous thing she could have done and believes her.

  
  


//

  
  


The month Ava's out of a job and Jay's on school break it's possibly the best month of their lives so far. Sara ends up taking a few well-placed days off so she can be home with them with the exception of one or two days. On those, Ava cherishes all the time she gets with Jay.

There's still a voice whispering in the back of her brain that she should make the most of this, so she does and it ends up being the best. So much so that she can almost forget that the happiness is coming from a place filled with fear and dreading anticipation.

She pours her heart into making Sara's birthday, and Christmas, Boxing Day, New Year's Eve and New Year, perfect.

Sara's so happy she seems happy and over whatever had her so spooked, she's so happy Ava's staying despite her messed up past being so close to their front door.

_Their_ front door.

Ava barely goes home until Jay's back to kindergarten and Sara's back to work. And when Sara points out that it's ridiculous that she's insisting on paying rent on an apartment she visits three days a month and Jay agrees that she should be here all the time, Ava finally tells her:

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“You're right. It's ridiculous. So once everything's settled with my new job we can start moving my stuff over. My lease is up at the end of March, so we have a couple of months to clear it ou- mphf.”

The rest of whatever logical thing she was going to rant about is lost against Sara's lips, but they have to stop kissing after a few seconds because they're smiling too much.

“Kinda surprised it only took a month to convince you. It took three so you'd spend one whole night here,” Sara kisses her lips and her cheeks and her jaw.

“Things are different now,” she explains like it's obvious and, after how perfect the past two weeks have been, it kind of became obvious, even to Ava, what Sara's known for months now: “We're a family.”

Finally admitting it out loud gets her the best sex of her life. Ava thinks it's a testament to Sara's talents that she loves it when Sara wins whatever argument they're having, because Ava's reward is almost always better than being right. Which, for Ava, is saying something.

  
  


//

  
  


Palmer Tech is still setting up, so Ava's reviewing contracts for the new staff and catching up with Nora. Sara's met them and loved them and they've set up a triple date with Nate and Amaya. Which, wasn't their best idea maybe, because now Ray and Nate are inseparable and want to hang out with Ava, too.

It could be worse, Ava guesses, when they're sitting on Nate's couch drinking fake tea from the set Mari, Sandy and Jay are pouring air from for them.

“Hey, if Jay gets bored with the tea set-”

“Oh, it's his favourite,” Nate stops Ray. “Whenever he's over he asks Mari to play with it.”

“Ah, awesome,” Ray smiles and everything goes on and he doesn't think it's weird that he likes toys meant for girls.

Ava loves him even more for it, even if he and Nora hadn't been her best friends for years she would have definitely decided then and there they were meant to be.

“Yeah, and Mari was always stealing his toy cars, so we got her some for Christmas,” Nate adds casually. “She can be a bit assertive and Jay's a great sharer, so we didn't want him to give up his toys every time they play together.”

“Gosh, you guys are great parents. Sandy's just three, so she doesn't really ask for specific stuff yet, but I'm glad we're friends with couples with older kids now, so we'll know what to do when the time comes,” Ray says casually.

Ava's chest fills with stones when Ray says it. Couples with kids. Like, Nate and Amaya. And. And Sara and Ava. Like they're a couple with a kid. Like Jay's hers.

“Jay has been asking for a toy oven, because Sara never lets him get too close to the real one, so we got him one for Christmas,” she mentions instead of thinking too hard about how much she wants Ray to be right.

She thinks back to Sara telling her it was an expensive toy so they should get it from the both of them, she thinks back to him giving for granted it was from them both when Sara mentioned it as he was already tearing into the paper, she thinks of Sara's satisfied little smile when Jay said “I know, mom” and wonders if Sara's now winning arguments Ava didn't even know they were having.

  
  


//

  
  


For their one year anniversary Sara accepts the incredibly beautiful, incredibly expensive bracelet with the J, S and A heart shaped pendants Ava gives her without even flinching, but Ava relents the fancy dinner check to Sara.

Jay's present is a drawing of the three of them that he's made Laurel buy a frame for. It sits front and centre in the hallway just inside the front door and every time Ava walks in it makes her smile no matter how exhausted she is.

  
  


//

  
  


Life's good.

Life's really good.

She likes her job and she likes her family and most of her stuff is already over at Sara's by the time she remembers why she even had to get a new job in the first place.

It's the beginning of March and the air outside is still frosty in the evenings, so she lets out a relieved sigh when the door closes behind her. She hasn't been able to see Jay properly since Sunday, she's been working well past dinner and he'd be asleep already when she came home most nights, only waking up when she kissed his head to murmur he loved her and going right back to sleep. Sara's been waiting to have dinner with her and hear all about her new job, they talk for hours and it's cozy and nice, but she misses Jay. So she came home super early tonight and is planning on spending every second she can with him.

The place is oddly silent, but Ava doesn't immediately think something of it. She shrugs her coat off and rubs her hands together for a moment before taking a step further into the house.

Jay runs to her and throws his arms in the air. He doesn't want to be picked up as much anymore and it makes Ava a little sad he's growing up so fast; a year and a half ago he'd barely want to have his feet on the ground. She scoops him up instantly and they kiss each other's cheek in turn.

“My little one, you look very dapper.”

He's wearing his best pants and a shirt Sara doesn't even usually let him eat in.

“Thanks. Mom picked it. I don't want to go out, I want to stay with you,” he rushes out the words so he can make his point before he gets interrupted in the way he tries to do when Sara's already said no to something but he thinks he's making a great point, so he wants Ava to hear him out and plead his case before Sara sways Ava to her side.

“Jay,” Sara calls for him and rounds the corner a moment later. “Your shoes aren't on, please go up and put them on.”

He looks back at Ava pleadingly. Sara tenses when she sees Ava's home and if she hadn't already had an inkling, this would be a clear sign something isn't right.

“Go on, sweetheart. You know you need shoes with your fancy pants,” Ava kisses his head. “Let me see what I can do,” she whispers to him conspiratorially, but she's sure Sara can hear just fine.

He nods and scatters and Sara stays ten feet away and it feels like miles.

“You and Jay are going out?”

Seems like a good question to start, but Sara has a whole speech planned out.

“I was just about to call you. Oliver showed up to the gym today. He ran into Laurel and they got to talking and she thought he knew, so she mentioned Jay. Moira apparently told him it was... taken care of. He didn't know. He didn't know about Jay and he wants to meet him.”

_And you'll just let him?_ Is what Ava wants to ask. But nothing comes out when she opens her mouth.

“It's just dinner, I told Jay he's an old friend and if it goes well maybe we'll think about them spending a little time together, but he won't know right away he's his-” the word dies on Sara's tongue and Ava is thankful she doesn't have to hear her say it. “Laurel didn't tell him about you,” she adds.

Ava wants to say so many things, a good ninety-eight percent of which she would regret in an hour or two. But nothing comes out. All her words and feelings and thoughts seem scrambled up inside her brain. Was she even going to tell her anything? Or was she planning on being back before Ava got home late, tell her when she'd already seen him? No, she would have called first, surely she'd have at least given Ava a heads up.

After the silence stretches on for endless moments, and Sara whispers for her to _please say something_ , Ava finally asks: “Can I say bye to him?”

“Won't you be here when we come b-”

“You can't ask me that.” It's harsh. Harsher than it should probably be. She closes her eyes and presses her fingers to her eyelids so the tears will stay hidden. She takes a long, calming breath and tries again. “You can't ask me to wait around while you're on a date with him, to be here and see you everywhere and spend hours thinking about all the ways this could ruin-” _me, us, everything, everything, everything_.

“This isn't a date. I made it super clear,” Sara's moving now, approaching the same way she did once upon a time when they kissed for the first time: like Ava's one sudden move from bolting. “I told him there's someone else.”

“But you didn't tell him it was me,” Ava fills the in-between-the-lines part of her sentence out loud.

“You and I both know the first thing he'd do would be confront you, and I don't want you to have to deal with him. That's the only reason I haven't told him, no matter how much I wanted to, no matter how proud I am to be with you. He'll find out eventually, but hopefully he'll have truly understood by then I'm in love with you and I want to be with you.”

Ava's bottom lip trembles and she has to bite it until the copper taste taints her tongue so she doesn't whisper “ _liar_ ” and make everything worse than it already is. The rational, logical part of her brain has to remind herself that it's all in her head, it's just this fear she has and she needs to go and sort this out before she takes her own insecurities out on Sara, who's done nothing wrong.

Sara's fingertips are cold but they almost burn the skin of her cheeks when she gently tips Ava's face towards her and presses a kiss to her lips so she'll stop biting down.

“Will you meet me for lunch tomorrow so we can talk about this?”

Ava hates that Sara knows she can never deny her anything. She nods and Sara kisses her again just before Jay walks down the stairs with his shoes strapped on.

Ava kneels down when he's close enough and cradles his shoulders gently.

“Listen, honey-”

“No, no, no,” he whines immediately. “You came home super late everyday this week, I want to be home with you.”

Ava wants to cry, but doesn't. She has to be strong for him and for Sara. She has to do what's best for them. “I know, you're right. But listen, I'll be home super early tomorrow and we'll have Saturday just the two of us if it's okay with mom.”

“Of course,” Sara says immediately, like the idea it wouldn't be it's almost outrageous.

“And you'll have so much fun tonight, you'll meet a new friend and have dinner somewhere super cool,” Ava jabs his tummy playfully. “I love you, so much.”

“I love you, too,” he says even though he still looks disappointed and throws his arms around Ava's neck to hug her tightly before she gets up, grabs her coat and walks out.

She drives to her condo, finds a half empty bottle of whiskey she hasn't touched in ages and decides this is the perfect night to get to the bottom of it. She'll regret it in the morning but at least self medicating means she doesn't have to stay up all night thinking about what it can do to a person losing the two loves of her life in one go.

  
  



	4. those hardest to love need it most (I watched our bodies turn to ghosts)

Dinner is... dull.

Oliver is polite, tries to make conversation at first, but Jay isn't really talkative with strangers, and she's warned him he wouldn't be, so Oliver tries to be patient and focuses his efforts on Sara instead.

After the third time she has to drag her hand out from under his on the table, she elects to keep her arms crossed and barely touches her food again.

It's weird, it's tense, and the grey feeling Sara's been dreading reminds her of Ava's absence. Of how much she's jeopardizing to give this man a chance to know a son he doesn't want to get to know. But Sara's not doing it for him. She's doing it for Jay. And she knows that, deep down, past all the scary places in her chest, Ava gets that.

Oliver says something condescending to the waiter when he's slipping his credit card to him, Sara doesn't catch what exactly because her mind's inside a condo on the other end of town, but she does hear Jay when he says:

“That's not nice. You should say thank you to someone when they're working and you're a comumer, even if a few little things don't go perfect.”

Sara doesn't have to think about it for more than two seconds to realize whose words he's repeating, she can almost hear Ava's cadence in his voice.

“Costumer,” Oliver corrects. “And when you pay for something you should have it how you want it, I paid for the dinner so why shouldn't I say something if it wasn't perfect?”

Jay frowns and thinks about what he's saying for a long moment. He's absorbing it like he does everything else said around him and it's exactly the kind of thing Sara doesn't want him to learn. It's exactly the kind of behaviour she's spent his whole life teaching him is wrong.

“No, Jay,” she says resolutely before he lets it sink in too deeply. “You should be polite and say thank you. You were right, peanut. You were absolutely right.”

She gets up and takes his hand when he does the same and they walk out ignoring Oliver's voice calling after them. Sara's already strapped him into his carseat and has closed the door so Jay won't hear them argue when Oliver catches up to them.

“Come on, Sara. It was just a waiter.”

“ _I_ was a waitress.”

“I'm sorry, okay? I'm trying to be better, my upbringing is what it is, but I'm trying. And now that he has money-”

“I don't want your money,” Sara whispers angrily. “And I don't want you to try and hold my hand. I told you there's someone else, Oliver, if you can't respect that-”

“Okay. Okay. I get it. I'll be on my best behaviour, exceedingly polite and a gentleman from now on. Just... give me another chance. I could take him for ice cream? This Saturday?”

“Not Saturday,” she says instantly. But he takes it as an invitation to pitch another date.

“Then we can have another dinner next week, the three of us, and I'll be a model citizen.”

Sara considers telling him no just to spite him, but then she remembers Jay's the reason they're here in the first place and she shouldn't cut Oliver off of his life without a proper chance to get to know him.

“Fine. But I have to be there when you see him, at least the first few times.”

“Sounds good,” he says with a coy smile that makes Sara almost want to take it back.

He leans in and kisses her cheek. She can't even look at his face when she tells him goodnight.

  
  


//

  
  


They meet at Sara's old diner for lunch. They go there sometimes, so Sara can catch up with Marley. The old woman has a heart of gold and has taken to Sara and Jay – and eventually Ava when she'd seen the two of them so happy around her – quite fondly.

When Ava walks in Sara gets up and kisses her on the cheek eagerly. Ava sits but doesn't take her sunglasses off. Which is weird, because she's the one who taught Jay it's rude to wear them indoors.

“So, I'm really sorry about last night,” Ava starts quickly, before she loses her nerve. “I shouldn't have left, I thought staying would make everything worse, but by leaving it might have seemed I was punishing you and that's not _at all_ why I walked away. I was afraid I'd say or do something-” she stops when she notices Sara's looking at her strangely. “What?”

“Were you in a fight?” Sara jokes. When Ava's forehead crinkles, Sara points to her glasses.

_Yeah_ , Ava thinks. _Got in a brawl with a bottle and wrestled a demon._

“Sorry,” she says, taking them off. She squints at the sudden light but recovers quickly. “So, how was dinner?” she asks, and even tries to sound casual about it.

Sara almost asks her to put the glasses back on. Her eyes are a little red and the dark circles under her eyes are visible despite her concealer. Ava's been staying up crying, or drinking, or both.

“Awkward. He was rude to a waiter and Jay scolded him.”

Ava smiles down at the cup of coffee Sara got for her before she arrived. “Of course he did.”

“He talked about tomorrow the whole ride home. He wants you to take him to the park. I'm sure that's code for park and then the ice cream place you both think I don't know about,” Sara smirks when Ava finally looks up.

She suddenly looks terrified. “I'm sorry. You said it was fine the first time and I assumed-”

“Babe,” Sara takes her hand gently. “You're allowed to get him ice cream, you're allowed to make decisions when I'm not there. I trust you implicitly. We talked about this ages ago and _nothing_ has changed.”

Ava remembers Sara's speech. She remembers when Sara told her, a couple months back: “ _You're the other adult in his life, you're a part of the important decisions about him and you're allowed to make small ones when I'm not there._ ”

It made Ava the happiest she'd ever been in her fucking life. But everything's different now, even if Sara says nothing's changed.

“But it has. There's another adult in his life, now. The one who was _meant_ to-”

“No. Don't you dare think he could ever take your place,” Sara's voice is harsh and Ava knows how to tell hurt Sara from mad Sara when she hears her. She tries to be brash so she doesn't have to be vulnerable. “He can get to know him, for Jay's sake, but he's never taking your place. I get that you're scared and I get that you're hurt but we're your family. Me and Jay. Aren't we?”

Ava's throat goes dry and it's not just the hangover. It's what she was trying to tell Sara before she stopped herself: that she can't lose them. That she loves them so much it makes her worst fears claw at her chest and she doesn't know how to stop herself from feeling so exposed and raw.

“You are.”

Sara takes her hand on the table.

“You're moving in next weekend like we planned. Aren't you?”

“I am,” Ava nods and turns her hand to hold Sara's back. She doesn't add the “ _If you still want me to,_ ” because she knows it'll only get her into more trouble.

“So stop. Stop trying to make me feel we're meant to grow apart because of him. We're your family, we're your home. And you're ours.”

Sara thought they were over this, that after the Holidays, after being so happy for so long-

But our deepest darkest fears never go away, she guesses. They just follow us into the next thing over and keep trying to burn us from the inside out.

When Ava gets up, for a second Sara think she's going to walk away. She's going to tell her she should've picked her over Oliver, instead of trying to have both of them into Jay's life, and then walk out and away, and this will be the last day Sara got to kiss her. The last day Sara got to be loved by her.

But Ava walks around the table and sits down on her bench next to her and hugs Sara close, kissing her cheek, her jaw, her neck. “I'm sorry,” she says, even though Sara doesn't think she has a single thing to be sorry for. “I'm sorry. I just want to come home.”

Sara feels Ava's tears against her own neck rather than seeing them and she gasps and holds her as close to her as she can. She can't stand it when Ava cries. Ava's the strongest person Sara knows and even more so around Jay and herself, Sara knows she tries to shield her from the multitudes of feelings harboured in her chest, so seeing her cry is always heartbreaking.

“Let's go home, then,” Sara whispers. “Let's go home.”

They don't have lunch.

Sara drives them to the house, they cuddle up to each other on the bed so close that Sara thinks maybe they accidentally melted into each other and the second her hand is cradling Ava's neck, she falls asleep in Sara's arms. It's comforting and soft and somehow it makes Sara feel closer to her, the same way sex sometimes does. Intimacy with Ava is a powerful thing.

Her alarm goes off half an hour later and she turns it off and wakes up Ava kissing her forehead and murmuring against her skin tender nonsense until Ava opens her eyes.

Sara drives them back to Ava's car. When Sara tells her she loves her Ava smiles without sadness and says she loves her back. She makes it home before Sara that night, and, of course, things aren't magically fixed, but when Sara walks in to find her in the backyard with an improvised eyepatch and a coat hanger that's supposed to mime a hook, while Jay chases her around with his Peter Pan hat on, she knows they're going to be alright.

  
  


//

  
  


Ava sees Oliver outside their ice cream place that Saturday, and when he spots Jay and walks through the door with a puzzled expression, Ava is quick to get up and intercept him when he's still ten feet away from the table.

“Sara doesn't want you to see him without her.”

“So what, you're friends now? You hated each other.”

“High school was a long time ago. Please leave without making a scene,” Ava asks him calmly.

“You know, you've always been a bitch, but the little stunt you pulled, quitting without even showing me the ropes at Q.C.'s, was an asshole move even for you. I can't believe I used to be your friend.”

Weirdly, Ava finds the fact that he's still insecure and petty and spoiled kind of comforting. Maybe Sara will see right through his being-polite act, maybe she'll know she deserves better than him this time around.

“It's okay that you feel that way. Can you please leave?” Ava asks again.

“You really are a bitch,” he scoffs, annoyed he couldn't get a raise out of her, spares one last glance to the kid still eating ice cream but obviously eavesdropping, and then leaves.

“I don't like him. He's rude,” Jay whispers when Ava sits back down beside him.

Ava watches Jay for a moment and tries not to feel like that rude man could come between them someday.

“Hey, little one. You know I love you to infinity, right?”

He giggles, Oliver forgotten and smile back in place. “I love you more than ice cream!” He almost yells and leaves a chocolate stained kiss on her cheek. Ava smiles again, too.

  
  


//

  
  


Sara puts off dinner with Oliver for two weeks, until he shows up at the gym again and guilt trips her into saying yes. She calls Ava the second he leaves and this time around Ava doesn't slip away. She tells Sara she understands, and she'll work late so she won't have to stay overtime another evening that they can spend together.

She tells Sara she loves her first and Sara lets herself believe they'll work it out.

Oliver is as polite as he promised, but he leans into Sara when he picks them up to kiss her cheek, and it doesn't take someone who knows Jay as well as she does to gather that he's edgy around Oliver. The man seems more interested in Sara, and it's in some kind of way that, Jay can tell, makes Sara uncomfortable.

He's quiet and barely eats and when Oliver asks him why he barely touched his food Jay tells him with his come-on-this-is-obvious tone:

“This isn't kids food. It's yucky.”

“It's seafood,” Oliver defends. “It's classy.”

He thinks about it for a moment, then shrugs. “When we had fancy dinner during break I had a fancy burger and it was the best thing ever. _This_ is yucky,” he says again.

“Oh, yeah? Were did you have fancy dinner, McDonald's?”

Sara is about to chew his entire head off for that comment, but Jay innocently says:

“The place high up in the sky with the glass walls. It was so cool.”

Oliver narrows his eyes a little. “You went to The Starling? The gourmet place on Seventh? It's impossible to get in if you don't book months ahead, how did you get a table during the Holidays?”

“Sandy's dad is friends with the owner,” Jay tells him. “So he got us a table and we had family dinner there.”

“With Sandy and his dad?” Oliver asks with a hint of jealousy in his voice.

“Stop interrogating him,” Sara finally steps in, deciding that's quite enough.

“No,” Jay giggles like he thinks it's silly. “Sandy was home with her mom and dad. We had dinner just the three of us.”

“The three of you?”

“Oliver,” Sara scolds him. “Stop interrogating him. You have to respect what I say it's okay and not okay, and this is _not_ okay. You can't use _my_ son to get information I don't want you to have.”

“Fine. Why don't you write down for me what I can and cannot ask? Do I get to ask about the man having family dinners with _my son_? Or do I-”

“What?”

Everything stops.

Sara's heart included.

“What?!” Jay asks again, angry and confused.

“Look, kid, you had to know eventually. I'm your dad and you should know-”

“No. No!” Jay gets up and waits for Sara to get up as well.

Sara does, deciding it's better she doesn't let out the string of curses she wants to aim at Oliver right now. Oliver's quick to throw some bills on the table and follow them out.

They've been inside for a grand total of thirty minutes so it's not that late yet, but Oliver offers to drive them home since he picked them up. The drive is silent for a few minutes. Then:

“It's better he knows.”

“That's not your decision to make. And I explicitly told you I didn't want him to know, and even if I did I would have want to be the one who told him,” Sara seethes.

“Well, he had to know sometime.”

Sara is fuming. She's so angry she is about to walk Jay inside and then come back out to have a go at Oliver. But when they get to the house, Ava's parked in the driveway and getting out of her car. Jay untangles himself from the seatbelt so fast Sara doesn't have time to stop him until he's running to her, leaving the car door open behind him and rushing to her so fast Sara's afraid he'll trip on his own feet.

He launches himself into Ava's arms as soon as he's close enough and she drops her satchel and her keys to catch him. She's so surprised she doesn't even register Oliver at first, just the tears streaming down his face and she tries not to let panic take over.

“What happened, love?”

“Don't go,” he sobs and clings to her in a way he hasn't since he disobeyed her for the first time and he was afraid she'd leave them because he made her mad or hurt her feelings. “Don't leave me to him, he's rude to waiters and he's rude to _me_. Don't leave.”

It's the most heart-shattering, chest-crushing, soul-destroying thing Ava has ever seen in her life. He's sobbing so hard his whole body's trembling and his words can barely be made out in between his wails.

“What happened?” Ava asks again, this time to Sara, eyes wide and completely paralysed with the fear of losing him. She's holding him almost as tightly as he's holding her and she's trying to calm him down with soothing circles to his back. Where would she have to go without him? Why would she ever have to leave him? Unless- “You told him?”

“No,” Sara whispers angrily. “Oliver did.”

Ava looks at him, standing there beside Sara, with no clue of what is going on, or why the kid's crying his heart out.

“I know what's gonna happen, just like with Bree's parents. Her dad was away a long time but then he came back and he moved in,” Jay says, his words muffled by Ava's shoulder, his sobs subside a little. “He's mean and he called you a bad word and I _need_ you here. You can't just leave us.”

“I'm not leaving you, okay? No matter what happens I'm not leaving you, sweetheart,” Ava whispers into his hair and keeps her hand on his back, feeling his breathing slow down.

Sara and Oliver, thankfully, aren't paying attention to them at the moment, because Sara turned to him like a woman on a warpath.

“What is he talking about? What did you call Ava?”

“I ran into them on Saturday, she kept me from approaching him.”

“ _What_... did you call her?” Sara asks again, harsher.

“Sara,” Ava says her name sternly. “Do you really want him to repeat it in front of Jay?”

Sara turns to her, shoulders deflating a little.

“Can you...” she nods down to her satchel and keys and Sara gathers them quickly, going to open the door. “Hey, buddy, we need to talk about this soon, but how about a little nap first so you can let those big feelings settle a bit?”

He nods against her shoulder and Ava crosses the threshold after Sara gets the door open for her.

“No,” she hears her tell Oliver. “You're not coming in. You're not seeing him again until I decide it's okay. _If_ I ever decide it's okay. You need to learn to respect my authority as his mother and you need to get into that thick skull of yours that this can only happen on our terms, not yours. Goodbye, Oliver.”

The door slams when Ava's barely mid stairs and she feels Sara moving to the living room silently. Ava helps him wash his face, then helps him change, then brushes his hair until he's asleep.

She finds Sara on the couch, knees up to her chest the same way her son does. They move and act so alike sometimes Ava's heart melts. When Sara sees her, her arms shoot out – it's also a thing Jay does sometimes, when he feels too tired to get up but he wants to be hugged.

Ava gathers her into her arms and Sara sits across her legs, her nose presses against Ava's neck and she takes a deep breath. She smells sweet and comforting.

“I'm sorry,” Ava says, moving her hand on Sara's back the same way she did for Jay. “I know you wanted to talk to him in a while and plan what to say ahead.”

“He's such a douchebag,” her voice shakes. “He had no right. Jay didn't have to feel this sad and this scared over this, if we talked about it with him first.”

“He would have said something insensitive even a month from now,” Ava says before she can stop herself.

“No, _we_ as in me and you. He shouldn't have been part of the conversation to prepare him for the possibility, to tell him nothing's changing here at home even though there's this man in his life now. We should have gotten the chance to do it on our own time and terms.”

Ava holds her tighter. “We'll talk to him and it'll be okay. He got scared but he knows I'll always love him. And you,” she kisses her nose and Sara smiles up at her.

It's small and tentative but it's something, at least. But it's gone a moment later.

“You told me he left when you asked him to.”

“He did. I told him you wouldn't want him there, he asked if we were friends, then called me a bitch and said I was an asshole not to stay and do his work for him. I asked him to leave a second time and he did. Well, after calling me a bitch again.”

“Why didn't you tell me?”

Ava shrugs. “Things were already hard. I didn't want to be the reason why he wouldn't get to see Jay again.”

Sara looks into her eyes for a really long moment. “Sometimes I don't get how a heart as big as yours can fit into a person.”

“It doesn't have to, silly,” Ava tells her, brushing her nose against Sara's. “A part of it is always with you, and a part of it is always with Jay.”

Sara kisses her slow and deep. And when she looks into Ava's eyes again there's a feeling cursing through her veins like thunderbolt, jolting and electric and surprising. But it also feels like it's been there a while, maybe even all along.

And Sara knows. Why it feels different. Why it feels so much bigger, this thing she has with Ava. Why she couldn't have figured it out when she was seven or ten or fourteen, but she still knew there was something about Ava that was special to her.

Sara knows. Ava's the love of her life.

  
  


//

  
  


She wakes up to the door creaking open in the middle of the night and squints her eyes to see Jay walking to her side of the bed.

“I knew you wouldn't leave me,” he whispers and climbs in beside Ava and melts into her, going right back to sleep.

Ava lets him.

  
  


//

  
  


She wakes up to Sara watching them sleep.

“Hey,” Ava whispers and turns her chin up a little so Sara gets the hint and bends down and kisses her good morning. “What time is it?”

“Early. We can stay a few more minutes.”

Ava hums and kisses Jay's head. Her eyes shoot open when she remembers why he's there with them. “What will we tell him?”

“We'll hear his questions out and we'll tell him you're staying with us forever and ever. And that it's rude to pretend to sleep to listen to grown ups talk,” Sara tickles him lightly.

He giggles and shifts back into Ava more. “Wasn't. Woke up when Ava moved.”

“Mh-mh, sure you did,” Sara smiles and kisses his forehead. “Good morning, peanut.”

“Morning,” he kicks the sheets off of him and turns on his back so he can see them both, while rubbing the sleep off his eyes. Ava and Sara wait him out for a moment, trying to decide if they should even bring up what happened last night since they'll have to get ready in a bit. But he's the one who has something to say _to them_. “You know our picture that I made?”

“How could we forget,” Ava smiles fondly. “We see it every time we come home.”

“That day, Miss Julia heard Jimmy make fun of Lily because she has two dads and so we had to say out loud what a mom is and what a dad is. So we started to say things out loud, like a mom is someone who loves you and kisses you goodnight, and a dad makes you feel safe and teaches you things. So Miss Julia started asking if a dad loves you, or if a mom teaches you things and makes you feel safe and everyone said, yeah. She said that not everyone has a mom and a dad, that some kids have two dads and some have one parent and some have two moms. And then she asked us to draw our family and we all had different ones but it was okay. I wasn't sure I was allowed to draw you with us,” he tells Ava, “but then I was thinking that, _you_ kiss me goodnight and _you_ make me and mom feel safe. I don't want a dad, I want _you_.”

He says it the same way he says he wants chicken nuggets for dinner: there's no room for an argument, it's either that or no dinner. He says it like there was never a question in his mind about it, like it's the simplest thing in the world.

“Jay-” Sara tries to start gently.

“No. You'll say that's a grown ups decision, but it shouldn't be. You're gonna talk about it when I'm not here and Ava will do what you say because she loves you and it's not fair, because she loves me too. I don't want a dad, I want Ava to be my other mom.”

“Jay,” Sara whispers again, “we've already talked about this, remember? We're a family. This is our home and nobody's leaving.”

Ava is jolted into action by Sara's hand squeezing hers, silently begging her to say something.

“I'll always be here, little one, to kiss you goodnight and to make you and mom feel safe. Don't you remember? We love each other more than ice cream, so no one will ever be able to keep us apart,” she bops his nose gently and then kisses it. “You know how Miss Julia said everyone's different, how some people have two moms or dads, how some have one parent, but nobody really chooses?” Jay nods. “Well, you can have two moms if you want to, and nothing would make me happier than to be your mom. But Oliver will still be your dad. It doesn't mean he's moving in or I'm moving out, it just means, he might visit sometimes, he might take you out to dinner or kiss you goodnight, but he'll never replace me, okay? I'm not going anywhere.”

He thinks long and hard about what Ava's saying. Eventually, he nods.

“But the three of us will still be our family?”

“Yes,” Sara says with no uncertainty.

“Okay,” he relents. “We can have dinner with him sometimes.”

“Okay,” Ava kisses his head again. “Now you better pick out some clothes so we're not late. Again.”

Just like that he gets up and on about his day happy as ever. Sara kisses her until they can barely breathe and then kisses her some more.

  
  


//

  
  


Ava turns the keys to her condo in and, even though she's been officially moved in for a month, they decided to have a house warming party. They invite Sara's parents, the Palmer's, the Heywood's, Zari and Laurel.

Sara mentions a couple of times to Ava the possibility to give her parents a call, and let them decide if they want to be there for themselves since Ava insists they wouldn't want to be. The truth is, Ava isn't sure she wants them there, but it makes her sound like an asshole, so she diligently avoids it until it's too late to invite them.

Ava can't shake the feeling Quentin hates her a little bit. He always asks her questions in a way that makes it seems like he's interrogating a criminal. In all fairness, Ava is now living with his younger daughter without having yet made an honest woman out of her, so she supposes she's at least some kind of scumbag in his eyes.

She sees him, staring at something in their backyard from the kitchen sliding glass door, and decides they might as well get the threatening over with.

“Is everything okay?” She asks after making sure everyone is too busy in the living room to come looking for them.

Quentin glances at her briefly, before pointing to the new porch swing. “That looks nice,” he says in the same tone Sara sometimes uses when Ava gives her a gift that's a-whole-0-before-the-decimals above their agreed budget. “How long did it take for Sara to agree to it?”

Ava feels the tickling sensation to the back of her neck and curses her inability to lie and her weakness in the face of any and every parental figure. She feels like she's about to confess to a murder when she tells him: “I tricked her into it,” in a rushed breath and waits for him to yell at her.

Instead, Quentin turns to her with an amused expression and raises an eyebrow, prompting her to continue.

“We had a fight about the mortgage. I bought it as... retaliation. She admitted I was right in the end, so she agreed to keep it.”

“Ah,” Quentin nods and glances at the swing again.

Ava believes he knows the gist of what happened: Sara had a ten year mortgage on the house and since she'd paid five years of it on her own Ava insisted they switch the payments to her bank account. It seemed fair to her. But, Sara had gone to the bank to do that and ended up putting Ava's name alongside hers on the property deed. Ava wasn't against it per se, but she would have liked a conversation to happen first, so she wired half the downpayment money to Sara's bank account and bought her the porch swing she was too stubborn to let Ava buy for them before she moved in. Sara had, of course, been super against all of it at first; she didn't want the downpayment to be split because her parents had basically paid half, so it'd be like Sara's half would be gifted by her parents and the other paid by Ava. But Ava had made a great point about her parent's money being Sara's money and about partnership and talking to each other about things even when she thinks they're fair, because Ava also wants to do things that seem fair but usually doesn't until Sara agrees first.

They decide paying for half the house each is what's fair, leave Ava's name on it, and keep the swing. Mainly because Jay wants to keep it and makes puppy eyes at Ava and Ava makes puppy eyes at Sara and Sara can't say no to them.

“I'm sorry I tricked her,” Ava says. She waits for him to tell her if she ever does it again they'll never find her body, but Quentin laughs instead.

“If the worst thing you ever do is buy her things she wants, I think I can be fine with you tricking her.”

“I'd never do anything to hurt her,” Ava swears. “I'd never do anything that isn't out of love for them.”

“I know,” Quentin tells her gently. “When Sara had Jay... don't get me wrong, me and Dinah love him more than anything in the world, we wouldn't change a thing about him. But we knew, when Sara had him, she'd always be somehow tied to someone who was never going to treat her the way parents want their children's significant others to treat them. For the longest time I thought she would never have this. And it's not that she wasn't happy, the little peanut changed her life around for the better. But it's not the same. Having someone to share your life with, someone to lean on... it's just different. And then you came around. And you loved them, and showed Sara what it means to rely on someone, you make them both so happy we still can't believe it sometimes. You were part of our family long before you and Sara finally got your acts together, but now... you're like a daughter to Dinah and I, and we're so proud of what you two are building together. Stop looking like I'm gonna put a shotgun to your back and give me a hug, come on,” he beckons her closer and holds her for a long moment.

Ava can't really comprehend what's happening until they're hugging and then sudden relief washes over her. Right. She's known him for two years and he loves her, there's that.

“Tricking her for her own good can get you places, but if you can, be honest to each other,” he tells her quietly and then lets go of her.

They go back to the living room after that, and the day goes on amazingly, but Quentin's words keep ringing in her ears long after they're uttered, so the moment they're alone that night Ava tells her:

“My parents would have come if I called them.”

Sara looks a little taken aback at the sudden admission, but she slowly nods once the words register properly. “I thought they would. Your mom calls almost every other day and you see them at least once a month.”

Ava nods sharply. “They would have come. And then they would have said something and ruined our day and I didn't want them to. I wasn't sure I wanted them here and that's why I didn't invite them. I want them to meet you, I do, but I just _know_ they'll do or say something that'll piss me off.”

Sara sits down on their bed and pats the space beside her until Ava settles close to her.

“What could they ever say that would make me not want to be with you?”

“Well-” Ava starts, but falls short. “They could-” No, no comment about money or sexuality or gold diggers would ever matter enough to Sara to make her run. Not from Ava. The truth is, whatever they could say would hurt Ava far more than it would hurt Sara. “Oh.”

“We don't have to meet them until you're ready. But we live together, we have a kid. Realistically, you can't wait until the day we get married to surprise them with a wedding when they show up to lunch.”

“Oh, we're getting married now, are we?” Ava smirks at her.

“Ava Sharpe, you think I don't see you, looking at rings when we walk by jewellery stores, or peeking at wedding magazines in waiting rooms? I see you. My eyes are always drawn to you, so there's nothing about you I don't notice. The only reason I haven't proposed is because I know you want to be the one to do that.”

Ava blushes a little and looks down at their hands, gently holding each other's, fitting perfectly against one another.

“My dad does love surprises, though. Maybe it'll be easier if they just show up right at the vows.”

Sara looks at her, unamused.

“Fine. I'll put on my big girl shoes and talk to her next time she calls. I mean, they know we've been dating for more than a year, it can't be much of a surprise.”

Sara kisses her cheek. “I also want you to know you never need to lie about your feelings to me, not even the ugliest ones. Not even the scariest ones. I know you better than you think I do. And you know me better than I know myself sometimes, so really, what can I ever do that you won't see coming from a mile away?”

Ava tries not to smile, and fails spectacularly. “I do know you pretty well.”

“Oh, yeah?” Sara murmurs, kissing her smile away. “Confident Ava is really sexy.”

“I know, it's your favourite,” Ava says in that voice that makes Sara dig her nails into her shoulders.

“Lock the door,” Sara tells her, eyes on that little smirk Ava's giving her.

Ava doesn't need to be told twice.

  
  


//

  
  


Her mom calls the next day and they talk about nothing for five minutes before there's a long pause, and Ava knows it's now or never. And it can't be never.

“Mom, I know we don't really talk about my love life, but, uhm-”

“Not for lack of trying on our part, sweetheart. I ask every time I call and your father probes less than it's considered polite during every lunch we have. And the most we got out of you was details about Sara's new job and Jay's passion for cartoons.”

“Right. Right. But it was... I mean... for a long time it wasn't okay, you know?” Ava says nervously, trying to justify her own fear, trying to look for a way to get back on track instead of steering this conversation to the topic they do not talk about.

“That was our greatest mistake. And it's not to say we didn't make a few, especially when you were a child. We put too much pressure on you to be what we thought you were supposed to be, instead of letting you just be what you wanted. It wasn't right. But not speaking to you for two years was the worst thing we've ever done or been through.”

Pam has never said it. Jim hasn't either, but Ava knows it's not really the same. Pam raised her when her father was busy with work and golf and life. Her mom was... her mom. Life away from her had been torturous.

“I love you, Ava. It took me too long to say this, but I hope you know I now wouldn't change it if I could, the way you are and what you've become.”

“Really?” Ava inquires before she can stop herself.

“Of course. I'm proud of you, of your work at Palmer Tech, of you finding someone you love enough to date her for a year. We're both proud of you. We don't talk about it often because we know... we know you can never really forgive us. I mean, it's not something that can ever be completely gone and-”

“It is. It has to be, mom. We have to move on from it, okay? We have to... talk to each other again and we have to let go of the past. I forgive you and you have to forgive yourselves. Okay?”

There's a long moment and Ava hears a sigh, relieved and trembling. “Okay. Okay.”

“Mom. Listen, I- I'm sorry I'm only telling you now but- but I moved in with Sara and Jay. I know I said it was too soon last time you asked but I... I think it's time you and dad meet them, if you think that'd be okay.”

There's a rustling on the other end. Then: “Can you make it to lunch this Saturday? Or we'll come to you if that's better. Or we can make a reservation, whatever it takes.”

It's the “whatever it takes” that sells it, actually, because her mom isn't just doing this. She wants to do this. And Ava feels like crying for a day and a half at the thought that maybe she really didn't have to put this off this long.

“We can do Saturday, but it'll have to be a late lunch, because Sara has work in the morning.”

“Perfect. Let me know if they feel comfortable coming here.”

“Okay. I'll talk to you soon.”

“Bye, honey. I love you.”

The line is dead before Ava can decide if she should say I love you back.

She's a nervous wreck from the moment she puts down the phone up until they're parking outside her parents house that weekend, but she's done a great job of appearing cool and ready for Jay and Sara's sake. At least, she thought she did. But Sara takes her hand before she can get out of the car, looks her in the eyes for three seconds with all the stern reassurance she can musters, and says:

“Breathe. Hug them hello. Introduce us to them. And then I'll do the rest.”

Ava nods. “Okay. That's just three things. I can do three things.”

Jay looks amused and doesn't really get what's there to be so nervous about, but he's been on his best behaviour all day, sensing Ava's nervous energy. Sara keeps Jay close to her when she sees him trying to stray to go peek at the backyard, and gives him a look that has him back standing between her and Ava in a second.

Ava hugs her parents, introduces them, and then waits for hell to break loose.

“I'm glad you could make it on such short notice, we couldn't wait to meet you two,” Pam smiles at her and then down at Jay.

“It was no problem at all, Mrs Sharpe, was it Jay?”

He smiles up at the woman with his most charming, angelic smile and Ava swears both her parents are won over then and there, the moment he says: “It's nice to meet you, Mr and Mrs Sharpe,” in a way that she's sure Sara must have taught him verbatim because her son is a lot of things, but he's not a suck up to adults he doesn't know.

“What a lovely little man,” Ava's father smiles and offers his hand to him playfully. “You can call me Jim.”

Jay smiles when he takes it. “I'm Jay,” then he chuckles and says to Ava, “he calls me the same thing you used to,” before his attention gets swayed by a very delicate-looking vase by the entrance.

Sara stops him by grabbing his shirt when he's one second away from touching it. “Jay,” she tells him warningly. “We don't touch stuff when we're guests, remember?”

“Sorry. Grandma lets me touch stuff there all the time,” he says as to justify the attempt and the implication of what he said, of him comparing Sara's and Ava's parents, doesn't go unnoticed. “Sorry,” he tells the Sharpe's, too.

“It's okay, Jay,” Pam tells him. “Your mom doesn't want you to get hurt, and that vase is a little fragile, so if it fell it could break and hurt you. You can touch anything that isn't dangerous when you're here. Is that okay?”

“Okay. How will I know if something's not okay to touch?”

“Well, you can ask us if you're not sure. And next time you're over we'll make sure there's nothing around that could hurt you. Sounds good?”

“Cool. Can I touch that?” He points to the wooden railing leading upstairs, at the beginning of it there's a lion head that looks so real it used to scare Ava when she was younger than Jay.

“Yes, you can touch that,” Pam smiles at him.

He goes near it and probes it for a moment before he sticks his fingers between the faux teeth and fake-yells, “Oh, no, he's eating my hand, help!”

They bursts into laughter at that and Ava feels like there isn't a person cold enough her son wouldn't be able to win over in a heartbeat.

“Sorry, he never keeps still,” Sara says, but she looks anything but sorry.

“Don't apologize, dear. He's lovely,” Pam tells her genuinely. “Are you hungry, young man? I've got home made pasta waiting for you.”

Jay saunters over immediately, nodding eagerly.

The lunch goes smoothly and her parents avoid the two topics she'd vetoed (Oliver and money) like champs. They're polite, kind even, and Ava only _mildly_ panics when Pam mentions they got Jay a gift. He tears into the paper after thanking her. She can see her parents want him to like it, her mom even looks eager. Ava thinks about Jay playing tea party, about them refusing to buy her a skateboard because it was a boys toy when she was ten, and worries her lip until the paper comes off.

“No way, it's a Spider-man backpack! It's so cool!”

“A little bird mentioned you really like him,” Pam glances quickly to Ava, then to Sara to make sure it was okay to get him a new one.

Jay hugs them both and then walk to Ava so she'd pick him up and they can look at it together.

“Look, there's Spider-girl, too, and Peter is next to Miles.”

“There's even aunt May,” Ava points out with a smile.

“Thank you, you didn't have to, but it's really appreciated,” Sara says. “He's been making Ava watch the animated movie basically every rainy Saturday for the past year. Not that Ava's complaining.”

“Hey, it's a really good movie,” she defends.

“Yeah, mom, you just don't get superheroes. Or princesses. Or cartoons, really,” Jay teases her.

“Or television,” Ava adds. “Or technology.”

Jay giggles. “Remember that time she thought our washing machine was broken and you had all your tools out to fix it and then it was just unplugged?”

“I also remember her telling me I could never fix it in a million years, but I sorted it out just fine,” Ava smirks.

“Because it wasn't broken. You're a _lawyer_ , I asked you to call a plumber and next thing I knew you had a tool belt on,” she reminds her, then turns to her parents. “And some of those still had their price tag on, so you could see why I lacked faith.”

“Yeah, if it wasn't broken before it would be after Ava meddled with it,” Jim tells her. “Good thing it was just unplugged.”

“Hey,” Ava mock gasps.

“No, mama, he's probably right,” Jay whispers. He's been trying the title recently and Ava's heart stops every single time. She'll get used to it soon. Hopefully. Or, well, have a heart-attack before thirty she guesses. “Remember when my taxi car controller stopped working and you took it apart and it took uncle Ray two hours to put it back together and it turned out the batteries were empty?”

“Yeah, well, I put the new batteries in and now it works fine, doesn't it?” Ava ruffles his hair in retaliation. It's getting long enough that if she does that it makes him look silly and he's well aware, and it amuses him to great length apparently, so Ava keeps doing it any chance she gets.

He giggles, and gives her that look that says “ _You know I'm right_.”

They take him out back and he takes off the moment he sees the huge backyard, so Jim and Sara both chase after him, Sara to make sure he behaves and Jim to show them both around. Pam sits on one of the patio chairs and waits for Ava to do the same.

“You look like you've seen a ghost,” Ava tells her.

“I'm sorry, I was just thinking. We missed so much of your life, Ava, and I don't want to miss anything else.”

Pam looks at her husband holding Jay in his arms to show him what's over their fence and he and Sara are talking and pointing at the land stretched beside their property.

“He called you mama,” she whispers quietly, oh so quietly, as if maybe saying it too loudly would ruin it. “You need to marry her.”

Ava takes a sharp breath, then looks at Sara and, when their eyes meet for a brief moment, Sara waves and Ava smiles back at her. “It's not that easy.”

“Life isn't easy,” her mother says, “and it's rarely what you want it to be, and you have to do things because they're logical sometimes. Your heart did you well by leading you to them, so you better do your damn best to keep them. You marry her and you fight for them.”

“Mom, it's- it's complicated. I'm not sure I know what fighting for them looks like.”

“Of course you do. You've been doing quite alright. I know more than you think I do, and Moira does like to blabber at brunch with our book club friends, so I understand more than you give me credit for. And most importantly, I know _you_. And this is _not_ as complicated as you think it is. They're here, aren't they?”

“It's scary. I've never wanted anything this much in my life,” Ava admits with a frown. “What if they don't want me as much?”

_What if I ask her to marry me but she decides to go back to him anyway?_

She doesn't ask. She can't. But her mother, somehow, seems to know.

“Oh, my sweet Ava,” Pam scoots her chair over and hugs Ava to her with one arm. “You're one of the smartest people I know, you can't really believe that woman isn't head over heels in love with you. They're here, sweetheart. You just have to let yourself _want_ them. I think you might find they're already yours for good.”

Ava hopes, deep down in that scary place of hers filled with fears and bad thoughts, that if her mother can be right about just one thing for the rest of her life, it's this one.


	5. and so it all boils down to this, we've got out aim but we might miss (we are too fragile just to guess)

Oliver texts Sara often enough to be annoying. He does, almost daily, and Sara will mention it casually because she feels that somehow keeping it from Ava would be worse, but she can see it upsets her no matter how hard Ava tries to hide it. Sara's not clear on the why, or if Ava gets angry or really just sad, but she closes off for a few minutes and thinks so hard Sara can hear the gears in her brain turn.

Oliver's persistent to say the least, so after he apologizes for the umpteenth time, Sara agrees to another dinner. She asks Ava if she wants to come, but Ava declines and says she's going to see Nate for a beer.

Nate does his best to distract her, but no topic sticks, because Ava gives him one worded answers for a while and then checks out until he starts ranting about something else.

Eventually, he tells her, “Okay, we'll have to talk about this. I love you, dude, but you're bumming me out. You know nothing's gonna happen, Sara loves you.”

Ava isn't sure she wants to actually talk about it, but once he says it, it comes automatic to say: “You don't know, you don't know how things were.”

“How were they?”

Ava fidgets with the rim of her glass. “She's loved him since she was fourteen. They were together on and off all through high school and until she got pregnant. They always go back to each other, that's what Zari said. It doesn't matter who comes along or what they do to each other. He's the great love of her life, nothing can compare to that. And everyone who knew them then, knows that. Ask Zari. Or Laurel. Or Sara.”

“Sara says he's the great love of her life?” Nate asks sceptically.

“Well, not in so many words. But you know that person that... that it doesn't matter how life changes you, how it goes on and on, they stick to you? You think you get over them, you maybe do get over them, even, but then one day you walk into a diner, or... or something. And you hear their voice and see their eyes and it's like you're nine again, or fourteen again. Because a part of you was always... was always only meant for them. You know?”

Nate frowns a little. “Not really. I didn't meet someone I was meant for until later in life, but I do get that feeling. That you're never really over them. But that's how you know, right? When me and Amaya went through a rough patch and then got back together, that's how I knew I never wanted to be without her ever again. That's how you tell a soulmate, isn't it? Like you said, they stick to you.”

“Yeah,” Ava says, sips her beer. “Yeah.”

Ava doesn't tell him that, in his metaphor for Sara's love life, Oliver's her soulmate and Ava's her rough patch.

  
  


//

  
  


Nowadays, Sara smiles at her phone sometimes, then she types a reply and smiles even more when another text comes in.

Since Sara decided to give him a third chance they've been to three other dinners in the past month, it's mid June now, and it's warm enough outside that Sara thinks they should go to the park together on Saturday afternoon, the four of them.

Jay isn't happy about it, but agrees.

Ava sees how he gets for a day or two after they go to dinner, but Sara assures her Oliver's been on his best behaviour. Jay still doesn't like him, for some reason, but Ava _has_ to believe her and so she does.

They go to the park and Oliver brings a baseball and a glove and tries to teach Jay for a while, as they watch on from a near-by bench.

“So things have been going good with him. You seem happy around him,” Ava says casually. “Both of you, I mean.”

He's barely said a word to Ava, but that's more than fine with her.

“Things are going okay between Oliver and Jay, nothing else has been _going good_. I'm only seeing him because of Jay and the sooner you two start getting along, the sooner I can stop seeing him without you on my arm.”

“Are you calling me your arm candy?” Ava teases.

“You know it, babe. Now hug me,” Sara demands as she scoots closer. “Tighter,” she says when Ava's arm rests on her shoulder gently. “Like you mean it.”

Ava laughs and holds her tighter and with both arms, even though the position is awkward. “You're such a dork.”

“Well, you're in love with me, so what does that make you?”

“The luckiest woman in the world,” she whispers softly and Sara's breath stops for a second.

“You could never be. That's me already, you can be a close second, though,” Sara says against her lips and then gently kisses her. “I love you so much.”

“I love you back.”

Ava pecks her lips again and then focuses back on Jay. There's something different about him, Sara sees it immediately, too. He's uncomfortable and deep in thought, even though he's still trying to throw the ball the way Oliver wants to teach him how to.

“Something's not right,” Sara says and gets up just as Ava was about to. “Hey, peanut. You look a little tired, we've been out an hour already, do you want to head back?”

Jay nods and walks over to take Ava's hand, but turns back to wait for Sara.

“Did you say something?” Sara asks Oliver, softly, gently, more so than Ava would have done in her place.

“I don't know. Maybe,” he murmurs and gives her a soft, charming smile.

“It's okay, kids react to the strangest of things, you'll get there, Ollie.”

He nods sheepishly and bends down to kiss her cheek, Sara pats his arm, and walks over. Ava doesn't know what to think of it. She's gentle with him, she doesn't even seem angry with him anymore, and she wonders if Sara not wanting to see him if not for Jay is still the whole truth.

They get home and half an hour later, after rummaging for a bit in his room, Jay comes down with his toy oven and a few other toys and puts them down in the living room, by the coffee table. Ava's on the couch checking her emails and frowns when she sees him go up the stairs again and come down with another armful of toys.

“Hey, sweetheart, what are you doing with those?”

She pats the spot on the couch next to her and waits for him to take a seat. He shifts on his feet for a moment, but then he sits down close to her.

“I think we should give these to Sandy. Or throw them away,” he says casually.

“Why? You love that oven, we were playing with it just this Thursday.”

“Well, I don't want it anymore, I'm too big to play with girl toys, now.”

Ava's first thought goes to that amazing, super cool skateboard her father refused to buy her when she was ten, and how Jay's words seem to match his almost perfectly. But then she thinks of how much her dad's changed and how amazing her parents have been when meeting with him for the last month and a half, so she really hopes this isn't them. She's also noticed, of course, Jay likes those toys more than any other, even more than his yellow taxi most days; he also likes his hair longer and has been refusing to cut it when Sara's suggested it, despite the fact it keeps getting in his eyes more and more often. She's noticed things, of course. She's noticed the curious look he has when Sara and Zari paint each other's nail and Sara's offered to teach him how to do it more than once, but he's been shy about it. Ava has also stopped calling him “little man”. For the first few months of knowing him, she did it without really thinking about it and he seemed to be more than okay with the nickname, but then she considered he might have been more comfortable with something a bit more neutral, so she just started using “little one” or other terms of endearment that made him smile.

“Why do you think that, love?”

“I'm not little anymore,” he insists. “Boys play with boys toys. I'm old enough to act like a boy.”

Ava tries to stay calm, but she doesn't like this one bit. She feels Sara's presence in the doorway behind them, but before she can intervene she asks:

“Who says?”

He hesitates. “Will you get mad if I tell you?”

“I'll never get mad at you for telling me the truth or how you feel, buddy.”

He thinks about it for a moment longer. “I didn't want to learn a sport, but Oliver said boys have to do boys stuff and I'm big enough that it's weird if I play with girls toys. He wasn't being mean, which means it must be true.”

Sara steps ahead, but Ava starts speaking again, making her pause.

“You know why the oven's a girls toy?” Jay shakes his head no. “It's probability. That's a big word that means if you put ten girls and ten boys in a room, eight girls might like the oven and four boys might like it, too. And four girls might like baseball the same way eight boys would. Do you get what I'm saying?”

“I think so. Numbers are confusing.”

Ava chuckles. “It just means more girls than boys like it. It doesn't mean boys can't like it. It doesn't mean boys liking it is wrong. It just means some people will say 'no, nooo, don't let boys play with a thing girls like, noooo'” she says in a funny voice.

He chuckles, but then thinks about what she's saying and nods.

“But sometimes, girls just like stuff that's super cool. I mean, I'm a girl and the stuff I like is super cool. I like Spider-man, don't I?” She jabs him playfully and he giggles and nods. “And mom's a girl, too.”

“And Mari. And Grandma.”

“Yes, they're girls and they like cool stuff, right? So what's wrong with liking the same things they do? I'm a girl and I _looove_ baseball. Do you think I shouldn't?”

“No, you can like baseball if you want. Why would anyone get to decide that you can't- _oh_.”

“So, see, if you don't like your toys anymore, we can move them or give them away, but it has to be because _you_ don't like them. Nobody else gets to tell you who to be. And if you think you're too grown up to be my little man and play bakery with me, I'll just have to play it alone, then.”

Ava gets up while faking a sad sigh, and starts setting up the oven on the coffee table. Jay moves beside her two seconds later.

“Well, you can't play alone,” he reasons, helping her setting it up. He's silent for a minute, but Ava can tell he's deep in thought. “Mama?”

“Yes, my love?”

“What if I never like boy things? What if I like baking and nail polish instead?”

Ava kisses his head and then gently tilts his chin up so he'll look into her eyes. “Then mom and I will teach you to bake and buy you nail polish, baby. Those things aren't just for girls, you know? Nothing it's just for girls or just for boys, no matter what people say. But, despite that... it's important that you know that you don't have to be a boy if you don't want to, okay? You can't force who you are, and mom and I will love you just the way you are, no matter what. You don't have to know now, or even soon, feelings can get confusing sometimes, but if you have questions we're always here for you.”

Jay thinks about it for a moment, then nods and moves closer to her and hugs her tight. “I love you, mama.”

“I love you, too. So much more than baseball and ice cream.”

He laughs loudly and goes back to setting the oven up.

Sara sits down on Jay's other side a moment later and Ava can tell she's had to take a second to wipe off a few tears before she joined them.

“By the way, it's not cool to eavesdrop, mom.”

Sara chuckles and kisses his head. “I'm sorry baby. Sometimes mama is so amazing I forget how to walk and get stuck just staring at her.”

“Yeah,” he chuckles. “You really do that sometimes. Hey, mom? You think it's okay, too?”

“Of course, peanut. I'm always going to love you no matter what, and you can always be who you are, especially with us.”

Jay smiles down at the pink spatula in his hand. “We don't really have to play this now, though, do we? 'Cause it's always a mess and mama will make me clean it up.”

Sara chuckles and hugs both of them closer. “Want to watch a movie, instead?”

She sets it up, puts the volume higher than necessary and closes the door when she walks upstairs, so they can't hear her screaming on the phone for ten minutes. Once she's done, she goes back downstairs and finds Jay asleep in Ava's arms. Ava opens her free arm to her and Sara slides in easily, tucking herself into Ava similarly to how Jay's done.

“I don't know why the universe planned it like this, why it had to play out this way specifically before we could get here, but I know we were always meant to be yours.”

Ava kisses the top of her head and tells her, “I love you.”

And despite the fact that everything inside her is telling her not to, she believes Sara.

  
  


//

  
  


Ava comes home two days later to fresh flowers on the kitchen island.

“Aw, you bought me flowers?” She reads the note: _For Sara and Jay_. “You bought... yourself flowers?” It's wishful thinking and she knows it, because the expensive, excessive, obnoxious, all-red-roses bouquet could only be from one person. The look on Sara's face and her avoidant eyes are all the confirmation she needs. “Oliver bought you flowers.”

“He's really sorry, he didn't know any better. He thought he was being what a father's supposed to be, teaching him stuff he liked at his age. He's going to learn.”

_When?_ Ava wants to ask. _How long will it take him to learn to be compassionate to a kid he's supposed to love?_

“Okay,” she says instead, because she doesn't know if it's her place to say something. She sees how Jay gets after the dinners, and she's not sure she wants Oliver around him. But Oliver's his father. No matter how bad she wants it to, that's never going to change. “When are you going to see him again?”

Ava asks so surely, giving for granted Sara's forgiven him. Sara doesn't really notice how upset it makes her that she's right, too caught up in fixing the roses with water to keep them fresh and then pausing to trace one of the petals.

“On Friday. Is that okay?”

_Sure, can I come?_ Ava wants to ask, then throw the flowers into the garbage and kiss Sara until she snaps out of her Oliver induced daydream.

Or maybe she wants to say, _Would it make a difference if I said it wasn't?_

“Yeah,” she says instead, and walks out of the kitchen and away from the nauseous sight of Sara staring at those roses. Ava remembers when she tried to give her flowers once and Sara had snorted and told her they weren't living in a rom-com and flowers die too soon, and to get her chocolate or nice wine instead.

  
  


//

  
  


By the end of June, Ava's pretty much certain Sara likes Oliver again a little bit more than she should.

She smiles at her phone and takes it with her everywhere, there's been two more bouquets during the past month – both basic as fuck and just Oliver-like, in her humbled and unbiased opinion – and they've had three fights in fifteen days.

Before that, they'd had two in the fifteen months they'd dated.

The fights have officially been about: Jay's new school for next year (Oliver wanted a private school and Sara thought they should hear him out, whilst Ava thought: _there's absolutely no way in hell Jay's going to a prep school where he can be bullied for the rest of his childhood_ , and has instead pitched a very cool, liberal leaning, elementary charter school); Ava working too much (Ava has always worked until dinner time and it's never been a problem before, but now that there's Oliver to have dinner with at least once a week, she should be home to spend an hour or two with Jay because then he has to leave to be with a man Ava's still convinced he hates); Jay doing some kind of sport after school next year, or maybe even in the summer (he doesn't like sports, but Oliver says they build character and suddenly Sara's concerned he isn't active enough, be damned all that talk about not making him do something he doesn't want to do, right?).

The fights have unofficially been about: Oliver; Oliver; Oliver.

Ava feels him lingering inside their home and in the space between them on a bed that now feels way too big, and it's killing her more and more each day.

  
  


//

  
  


Ava wins the school fight, Sara wins the work fight, Oliver wins the sports fight.

It happens like this:

Ray understands she needs to work regular hours so he hires her a legal aid, one Miss Astra Logue, and she does miracles for her department despite her abrasive personality. Ava is home from work shortly after Sara most nights, and even before her on rare occasions. Sara tries not to love it, but Ava can read her like an open book and knows she does.

They enrol Jay in the charter school after Ava reminds Sara of everything she never wanted him to turn out like. There's a second where Sara seems on the verge of telling her “ _Would it be so bad if he turned out a little more like Oliver?”_ Thankfully, she doesn't. It would have ruined them. It would have ruined Ava.

And then they decide Jay has to pick up a sport, learn about commitment and all that. He hates everything they pitch to him, until one day Dinah gets a cold – yes, in _July_ , and if that's not a sign that it was meant to be Ava doesn't know what could be – and Sara takes Jay to the gym with her, making him promise not to wander too far.

He breaks that promise and finds his calling. Sara finds him after her last class in the next room over doing pliés better than half the kids that had been taking that class for two months. The teacher, a woman that looks like she was around when there was still just the one continent, tells her:

“He's a natural. You work here, right? You'll have a discount. I do Tuesdays and Thursdays, from half past three to five. He'll need to be dressed properly next time, of course. And he can't do this barefoot again.”

She doesn't wait for Sara to answer and maybe that's better because Sara doesn't really know what to say. So Sara talks about it with Jay, who says he loves it and wants to go back. She talks about it with Ava, who is as supportive as she is about everything and says they should let him if he wants to and that Oliver and Sara insisted on a sport, so why not one he likes. She talks about it with Oliver and he tries to come up with a thousand reasons to say no that aren't “it's a girls sport” when it's clear that's the reason why he's trying to say no.

So, Oliver does win the sport fight. Just, not in the way he wanted to.

Jay starts dancing around the living room, Sara teaching him some hip hop moves just to goof around. Ava buys him the best shoes and gear she can find and hopes this tells Sara she's never going to be a sore loser when their kid's happiness is at stake.

  
  


//

  
  


By the end of July, Ava knows she's loosing her.

Somehow Oliver keeps making mistakes and an hour later Sara's over it. But she gets annoyed about Ava leaving one cup in the sink and makes seven passive aggressive remarks about it.

He comes to Saturday lunches, now, when all their friends bring the kids over. And he doesn't just get invited to their house, but to the Palmer's and the Heywood's on the weekends they're at their places.

At least they don't have dinner once a week anymore when Ava isn't there, so they don't fight about her working too much anymore, but she has to see him for almost an entire day almost every week and it sucks. The weird thing is, while Sara is more relaxed around him now, she doesn't seem to be smitten, she doesn't treat him differently than she would Nate or Zari, she doesn't have that love struck expression she has when she stares at flowers in their home or at her phone from time to time. Ava doesn't understand it, but there's the possibility Sara is careful around him in person specifically because Ava is there. She can't think about it, because when she does, her brain mocks her hope by pointing out that the answer's been there all along, if she'd just believe it before it's too late. Then again, her brain has been known to lie to her from time to time.

On that particular Saturday, she's helping with setting the table at the Heywood's, when she glances outside and sees Sara walking into the backyard, just arriving from the gym, and Oliver meets her halfway to greet her with a kiss on the cheek. It looks intimate, somehow. Sara doesn't shifts away anymore, doesn't looks uncomfortable anymore. And he must've said something right, because Sara looks briefly around with her awe-struck smile.

She's been standing, paralysed, the whole time they interacted, and only snaps out of it when someone touches her arm.

Zari's there, a slight frown on her forehead. She glances outside, then back at her. It's like the flashback from hell. Ava half expects her to look at her pitifully and tell her, “ _You should've listened to me, you know? Nothing can keep them apart._ ”

“Hey, you okay?” Her eyes dart to the window, then back to Ava.

“I-” she sees Sara laughing at something he's whispered to her. “ _You even tried to tell me_ ,” she wants to say, “ _I just wouldn't listen_.” Instead, she says, “I'm fine, I just need a moment.”

She heads to the bathroom so she can try to breathe in for a minute. Who has she been kidding, life's not a fucking fairytale. Of course he can pretend to have changed and get Sara back, he always gets what he wants. Why should this be any different, because she loves them so much it's driving her into the ground with madness?

Just because Oliver doesn't love Jay half as much as she does? Just because he doesn't even love _Sara_ half as much as she does? It's not like Sara will believe her if Ava tells her that.

God, she can't do this. She can't do this.

There's a knock on the door. Too tiny and low to be anyone but Jay.

She wipes away the tears quickly and checks herself in the mirror before opening the door and swiping him into her arms. He looks sad and mad and like he doesn't understand this the same way Ava doesn't understand this.

“Hey, sweetheart. You okay?”

Jay looks into her eyes attentively. “He's still rude, you know? And he's still not nice to me.”

“I'm sorry, my love,” she says against his forehead as she kisses it tenderly. “We'll talk to mom about it, okay?”

“Mom won't believe me. I tried. But he's different when she's there.”

Ava knows. Well, Ava suspected. But it's not surprising to hear.

“-confusing her and confusing your son! Jay notices everything and he can't hide it the same way Ava does. I know you're just friends but like it or not there's a whole lot of past there that-” Zari stops abruptly when she sees Ava rounding the corner with Jay.

Sara turns to see what she's looking at and sees Ava standing there, eyes a little red and Jay clutching to her for dear life.

“Don't you want to say hi to mom, buddy?” Ava rubs circles into his back soothingly.

“Hi, mom,” he murmurs into Ava's shoulder without turning back.

“Jay,” Ava says sternly and he knows the tone all too well.

“No, if you wanna put someone in time out then put mom in time out. She's the one who invites him when it should be just our family and she knows he _likes_ likes her.”

It hurts Ava more than anything else. More than Nate and Zari and _her own mother_ knowing. It hurts her in a way she doesn't know how to explain, that he can see it. She has tears in her eyes again, before she can stop it. Jay clings to her harder when he feels her sharp intake at his words, knowing instantly he said something he shouldn't have.

“Jason Quentin Lance,” Ava says his whole name and she's only used it not playfully once or twice before, so Jay knows it's big, big, troubles.

“She said she wouldn't take me away from you to give me to him, but he's always around on Saturdays, when I'm supposed to be with _you_. I want to go home with you, I don't want to see you being sad anymore.”

Ava's about to say no, that he doesn't get to decide with a tantrum what goes down, but Sara says:

“I think that's a good idea. Take him home,” Sara says. Ava can't even look at her for more than three seconds, but she's sure the confusion she's feeling is showing on her face because she adds: “I'll be right behind you in my car, Zari will explain Jay wasn't feeling good.”

Zari's quick to nod and moves into the next room as the three of them get to the front door.

Ava's fixing his seatbelt when Oliver jogs to Sara just as she's opening the door of her car. It's perfectly telling, and Ava knows Sara notices, that he goes to her instead of to Jay first to ask:

“What happened? Zari said Jay isn't feeling okay?”

“He got mad and we need to talk it out with him.”

“Alright, let me get my car-”

“No, the three of us, Oliver. Our family. Me, Ava and Jay.”

Sara gets in the car without saying anything else, so Ava does the same.

Jay's silent during the ride, and he doesn't speak until he's sitting on the couch with Ava beside him and Sara kneeling in front of him, hands on his ankles, rubbing his calves softly.

“Are you mad?”

“No, peanut. I'm a little sad you think I'm keeping you from mama. We always have lunches with friends in the summer, I thought having Oliver there would be nice.”

“Why? He's mean to everyone when you're not around, he thinks he's better than everyone and he treats me like I'm stupid. Saturday used to be for the three of us.”

“Jay,” Ava warns him when his tone gets harsh again.

“But it's true.”

“Jay,” Sara catches his attention again. “Why did you say... you know me and Oliver are just friends, don't you?”

He looks at her like she's trying to fool him and it's absolutely not working according to his eyes.

“You think I didn't see it, but I did. He would try to take your hand and you'd have to push him away. Or how he'd touch your arm or your back and it made you all weird. I know you made him come to lunch so you wouldn't have to see him without mama there, but it's not fair because he does weird things anyway, and it makes it even worse. I get that he makes you icky, he makes me icky, too. Why can't mama come to dinner when we see him? So we can have Saturday back for our family.”

Sara's speechless. Ava's speechless, too.

Jay seems to think of something else, because tears are back in his eyes a moment later.

“What happens if you two break up? You won't leave me, will you?” He asks Ava, his big, blue, teary eyes staring up at her.

Ava opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. God, she wishes she knew.

“Well, first of all, that's silly,” Sara tells him, recovering first. “Mama and I are never going to break up. And even if we did, she'd never leave you.”

“I would never,” Ava confirms. “I would never leave you, okay? I'd still spend all my Saturdays with you when mom's at work.”

“Promise?”

“I promise,” she pledges with no hesitation.

He shifts on his knees so he can reach better and hugs her so tight that he squeezes some air back into her lungs, somehow. He hugs Sara just as tight next.

“I'm sorry I ruined lunch.”

“You didn't ruin anything. We're going to have lunch right here, just the three of us,” Sara tells him. “I'll cook and mama'll change your shirt and then we'll watch a movie. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Ava takes him upstairs, washes his face, changes his tear stained shirt. He waits patiently as she does the same for herself, then they get down and have lunch. It's silent, the three of them drained by the tears already shed, and Sara and Ava not entirely ready to have another go at it soon.

They put on a movie, but ten minutes in Jay's out cold.

Sara picks him up to bring him upstairs and Ava turns the tv off and waits patiently, head thrown back and eyes closed.

She knows what Sara's gonna say. That she never meant for this to happen, she never meant to fall back in love with him, the story's just supposed to go like this. She'll say Jay'll understand eventually, when he's older, why they broke up. Why he sees Ava three hours a week on Saturday morning. She wonders how long that'll last for before Sara tells her she was never really anything to him but Sara's partner, anyway.

_No. No, Sara would never do that._ Sara knows Ava's his mom, she even said it, weeks before, when things were better, that they were always meant to be hers.

_She probably doesn't think that anymore_ , that voice from that scary, dark place inside her says.

Sara sits down next to her and waits for Ava to sit up and face her. Ava doesn't look into her eyes.

“Nothing ever happened. Not even a kiss. Okay? It's true that he'd take my hand, but I always shrugged him off as quickly as I could. I have no idea how Jay knew, but he was right. It was easier for me having you around because I didn't have to always be on my toes, because I knew he would never cross a line. But it wasn't fair, it was selfish, and it hurt you and Jay.”

Ava listens to her carefully, then frowns. “Okay.”

“Ava, nothing happened.”

“Did you want it to?”

“No! God, no. Why would you think that?”

“Why would I think that?” Ava scoffs, a bitter laugh in the form of a cough. She gets up and paces the room a little. “Why would I think that... let's see. The way you've been smiling at your phone, the way you've been staring longingly at the flowers he gives you, the way you would forgive him anything but fight with me over everything. You've been distant, you've been edgy. _You_ tell me why I would think that you want to be with him, all I know is... you don't want to be with _me_.”

Ava's rarely harsh with Sara, she's always so careful and gentle and soft, like Sara's the best thing to have ever happened to her. Well, Sara _is_ the best thing that ever happened to her, along with Jay. But right now harsh and angry is the only thing Ava can feel to not fall apart in front of the woman who's about to crush her heart.

“How can you say that?” Sara gets up, too, standing in front of her with so much hurt in her eyes Ava almost takes it all back then and there. “Okay, sure, we're disagreeing a bit more recently,” she concedes, “but we're happy most of the time, aren't we? How can you say I don't want to be with you, when you're everything I think about when I'm not with you? How can you _still_ not understand that I don't care how many flowers he buys me, or how many dinners, it won't make a difference? He could buy me the fucking moon and I'd still only want to be with you!”

“You say that, but that's not what it's been feeling like,” Ava tells her. “You smile when he kisses your cheek, you believe him over our child-” Ava chokes on the words. They feel so right, but right now they feel kind of forbidden, too. _Our child_.

“You're mad because I _smile_ at him? Really? Someday, Ava, you'll just have to get over the fact he loved me first, and accept that it's you I want to be with for the rest of my life.”

It comes out then, outraged and bitter, like her tongue's been keeping it in so long that spitting it out leaves the taste of vinegar in her mouth. “He didn't love you _first_.”

Sara pauses, then looks at her like Ava's making fun of her. But then she sees Ava's actually dead serious. “What?”

“Come _on_ , Sara. You know, now, that I surely didn't try to make him be better to you because I was into _him_. You walked into that high school and all I could do to keep my mouth shut and live under my parents roof was avoid you like my life depended on it. I would have these huge fights with him so he's stop treating you like garbage or cheating on you, I'd remind him of special occasions coming up. You think he _loved you first_? I was fucking buying teddy bears with I love you's hearts, so he would have something to give you on Valentine's Day because I knew he'd forget. He barely passed English, you think that letter he gave you for your first month of officially being together was something he came up with all alone? I know you hated me, I know you thought I wanted to keep him away from you because I was constantly on his ass about either being worth your time or leave you alone, I know you thought I was into him. But it was always you, Sara. I've been a little bit in love with you since the first night you were in girl scouts, when I taught you how to make s'mores. So don't fucking tell me he _loved you first_ , because he didn't. Whatever fucked up feeling he's had for you since he was sixteen, it can't even come close to the way I've loved you my entire life.”

There are tears on Sara's cheeks, and Ava's pretty sure she's going to start crying as soon as the outrage fades, too.

“Ava,” Sara whispers, brokenly.

But Ava's got to get this off her chest. The lid's off. The scary, ugly feelings are coming out and there's nothing that can stop the outpour.

“And you know what? It was _fine_ that you didn't love me back. I was _fine_. Graduation came and I walked away and I got over you,” she closes her eyes and tries not to dwell on the past too much, but get to her point. “It was a lot of work, and it was hard as hell. But I got over you and all my what-if's. Then I came back here and met a completely different person and I fell for you all over again. _This_ you, Sara. Assertive, good-head-on-her-shoulders, slightly edgy but still caring, amazingly brave, you. And I saw this... future that I never contemplated before, where I could actually be happy. I met Jay and he... when he laughs, he reminds me of... a younger you. Innocent and carefree and a little reckless. He makes me feel like a kid again, too, like life’s full of possibilities, like I can be light hearted and responsible all at once. When I’m with him I don’t have to be a lawyer, I can just sit down and bake tiny cookies with a toy oven. When the three of us are together I feel like everything just... fits.”

Sara's hands are on her shoulders, grabbing the lapels of her shirt, and Ava doesn't know when they got so close, she just knows she needs to grab Sara's hips so maybe it'll anchor her down.

“He didn't love you first. And he could never love you the way that I do. And he could never love Jay the way that I do. So please, just this once, don't go back to him.”

Sara presses their lips together, it's not even a proper kiss because they're both crying and Sara's shaking a little, her lips are trembling and she has to lean back after the first three attempts to peck Ava's lips.

“I wish you'd told me. I would have chosen you then and we would have been together our whole lives. I'd always choose you, don't you get it? I was never going to go back to him once I had you, I never wanted to, not for a _second_. You're the love of my life, Ava. I'm sorry I didn't know it then, I'm sorry.”

“Don't be. We wouldn't have Jay if you did and I can't imagine our lives without him.”

It makes Sara want to cry harder, for some reason, that she'd defend her choosing Oliver. Sara hugs her tight and presses her nose against Ava's neck.

“Ava. What do I have to do for you to believe me? For you to understand you're the love of my life? That I love you just as much as you love me? That I need you, that I want you, that you're everything I ever dreamed of?”

Ava holds her tighter and wants to say she doesn't know, she doesn't know. But she stays quiet and hugs Sara against herself.

“I thought you were going to propose. I was snappy because I thought you were going to, then you wouldn't, then I would think you were about to again. So I picked fights with you, but it had nothing to do with him. I know it was silly. And I always had my phone with me because me and Zari have been texting almost constantly for two months talking about how we thought you were gonna do it and it's so _dumb_ , and frivolous, but I couldn't help myself when she'd start talking about it. And the flowers, God, I didn't even like them. I just know there's a flower shop just in front of that jewellery store you like, so I thought, maybe- maybe one night you'd bring flowers home and I'd know you were going to do it any day. I was being so childish and petty, and I don't need that to know you love me, I don't care if we never get married. Just tell me you still love me, just tell me you'll always love me.”

“Sara. I've always loved you, and I'll always love you. I've had a ring for months, I didn't bring you flowers the day I bought it 'cause I know you hate them. I had this plan, but it's weeks away and if you want me to do it sooner-”

“No, no, I want you to do it like you planned,” Sara says, kissing Ava's jaw softly. “Just so you know, I'm going to say yes.”

Ava chuckles a little, then presses her forehead to Sara's. “Am I really? The love of your life?” She asks in a whisper.

“You are. I'll always choose you, Ava. I love you to infinity.”

That deep, dark, scary place inside her, doesn't seem so scary anymore.

  
  


  
  



	6. what if we ruin it all, and we love like fools (and all we have we lose)

The next few days are filled with domestic bliss. They wake up pressed to each other in a bed that doesn't feel too big to Ava anymore. She smiles more and it looks like this heavy load she'd been carrying around has been lifted off her shoulders.

Sara kisses her whenever she gets the chance, she's gotten into this different way of doing it too: she'll press her whole body into Ava's, moulding them, then moulding their lips together. She never lets go of her hand, or finds another way she can touch her if she absolutely has to. She can't keep her hands off of Ava and it's intoxicating for the both of them.

Ava feels high on love and endorphins, and the astonishing amount of heart-shattering, life-altering, leg-quivering sex they've been having for the past week.

It's ten blissful days, before Wednesday comes around and Sara has to listen for half an hour to a whining Oliver during her lunch break about how this'll be the second week they skip dinner. Ava has already finished her kale salad and Sara's pushed around her chicken, taking a bite here and there while humming into her phone. She looks done with lunch too, and Ava wants to pay and leave and get to her car, where they can get in at least fifteen minutes of making out before she has to drive Sara back.

“Just invite him over for dinner,” Ava suggests. “Is he free tonight?” is added before she loses her nerve. So she can't take the offer back.

Sara looks at her like she's grown a second head for a moment, then remembers what Jay said: if she doesn't want to be around Oliver without Ava, then she should invite Ava into their Oliver time and not the other way around.

“Ava says you could come over for dinner. You can see Jay, Jay's room... I'm sure there's a ton of stuff he'd like to show you,” she lies. “Yeah, she suggested it. Tonight? Okay then. I gotta go now. No, I really have to go, there's somewhere I need to be,” she says and gives Ava that look that makes her grab the attention of the first waiter she sees.

She thanks him for the meal, hands over some bills, tells him to keep the change as tips and then they're out the door.

Somewhere Sara needs to be is apparently with her hand between Ava's legs and, honestly, Ava isn't dumb enough to complain.

  
  


Dinner is surprisingly uneventful. Oliver's polite and even brings them a bottle of wine, he makes conversation with Jay and when Sara suggests he shows him his room Jay only huffs once before leading him upstairs. But, when they come back down, Ava can see Jay's got that thoughtful expression that means Oliver said something he didn't quite understand or like. She keeps her mouth shut and resolves to talk to Jay tomorrow.

Sara brings him upstairs when it's bedtime and Ava is almost glad she's the one alone with Oliver, for a change. Then again, she's alone with Oliver.

She finishes putting the dishes away while he sips on wine and when she turns he's got this obnoxious expression that he used to get whenever she'd let him cheat off of her on math tests.

“It's great that you're so good with him. You can babysit him on date night when Sara and I are back together.”

The blatant disrespect catches her so off guard everything she can do is stare at him in utter bewilderment.

“This has been fun, and a challenge, but I'm tired of it. You know, I can take her back whenever I feel like it, don't you? I've had a good time, getting... reacquainted with the city, but the second I decide it's time to settle down, the second I decide to take her back, she'll be out that door before you can say stuck-up Sharpe.”

Ava raises an eyebrow at that and sucks in her bottom lip, thinking his words over.

“It's hilarious you think so. Try it, then,” she shrugs with more confidence than she actually feels and grabs the glass in his hands to pour out the remaining wine on the sink and places the glass into the dish washer.

“What?” Oliver asks harshly.

“Try it. Try to get her back. It's gonna be fucking priceless when she tells you she doesn't want you. That you're rude, basic, pushy, and honestly exhaustingly whiny. Seriously, I get second-hand tired when you complain to her on the phone about her not giving you enough attention, it's becoming embarrassing.”

“If it's so tiring why does she always cave, uh? She _wants_ to see me, she wants to be with _me_.”

Ava actually chuckles at that. “But, see, if she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you by now. Maybe you should face the cold hard facts, Oliver. Sara's exactly where she wants to be.”

He gets up and steps up to her, when Sara clears her throat from the kitchen threshold.

“Jay's asleep, so I think it's time you go, Oliver.”

He glances to Ava quickly, then follows Sara to the front door. Ava goes to the living room to sit down on the couch and wait patiently for Sara to come back and yell at her for letting him get on her nerves.

Sara comes into the room a few seconds later and without pausing she straddles Ava's thighs and kisses her, all tongue and teeth and nails scraping the back of her neck. Ava's confused, but kisses her back with the same intensity, humming against Sara's mouth.

A moment later, Sara leans back and murmurs, “You're sexy when you're jealous but when you're confident it does _things_ to me,” as she kisses a trail down her neck before biting down on her shoulder gently.

“How much of it did you-”

“Pretty much all of it, I think. You were right, by the way. You were so right,” her lips press to Ava's throat sloppily, and she's undoing her jeans at the same time. “I'm so yours. Let me show you just how right you were.”

And, once again, Ava isn't dumb enough to complain.

  
  


//

  
  


Jay's birthday falls on a Tuesday, Sara wants to give him an early gift after dinner, then have family and friends over on Sunday as usual. Ava casually agrees that it's a good idea, but then, during dinner the day before, she asks the one question Ava was hoping to avoid.

“Should we invite Oliver for tomorrow?”

“No,” Jay says in a rush, before Ava can come up with a slightly more polite reply.

“Jay-”

“No, no, this isn't because I don't like him,” he says defensively. He and Ava glance at each other briefly. “Mom, look, please just this once listen to me without asking a bunch of questions. He'll be here on Sunday anyway, right? Tomorrow _has_ to be just for us.”

Sara studies him for a long moment, then glances up at Ava, who's been trying not to veto it too harshly right away. She doesn't want him there, but she also doesn't want Sara to know she doesn't want him there.

“I mean, it's Jay's birthday,” she shrugs, trying to look blasé about the decision.

He flashes Sara his most charming smile. “Please?”

“Sure, peanut. Whatever you want.”

Jay sits back with a satisfied smile and keeps eating. Sara doesn't miss the way he looks back at Ava a moment later and she winks at him secretly. But, for once, she listens to him and decides not to ask a bunch of questions about it.

The next day, they have the dinner as planned, the three of them. Jay blows a candle on a cupcake and then unwraps his gift (a board game he's been subtly hinting at for weeks). They sit on the couch as he explains what the game is about and when Sara tells him they can open it if he wants he hesitates, then shakes his head.

“We'll play it Saturday, or Sunday,” he says getting up. “I have to go get something in my room,” then when Sara leans over to start collecting the discarded paper he turns back to her and tells her: “Wait here.”

Sara raises one eyebrow at his tone, but sits back.

“You know what he's up to?”

Ava hums and shrugs. “Maybe. We should probably listen to him, being is birthday and all,” she says, making Sara lean back into her. “You know, six years ago, you brought into this world the best kid ever, and two years ago you invited me over to celebrate with you. I don't think a day has gone by ever since that I haven't loved you and appreciated you and wanted you both by my side. You're the love of my life, and you gave me the best gift ever when you gave him life, even if we didn't know it yet, back then.”

Sara smiles and turns to give Ava a kiss. “You're the best gift life has ever given _us_.”

Ava smiles back and leans out of Sara's arms so they can face each other. “I'm glad you think that. Ever since the day I met you my life was changed for the better. You made me laugh when we were kids and you made my heart flutter when we were teens. Now, you make my days full of love and happiness. I want to spend my life with you and Jay, I want to remind you every single day of how much I love you both. You're the love of my life. You're the _loves_ of my life.”

Jay walks back into the room and sits on the couch next to Sara. She looks at him for barely a second, and when she turns again Ava is standing on one knee in front of the couch.

“Sara Lance,” Ava starts, then looks at Jay, who passes her the thing he's been fetching in his room quickly. “Will you marry me?”

There's no flowers, no flash mobs, no violins, nothing Oliver would have done and Sara would've hated; not that Sara's remotely thinking about that.

It's just the three of them, on their couch, having a perfect night in. Just the two people she loves most in the world, looking at her with wide, hopeful eyes. So, of course, the only thing that's left for Sara to say is, voice trembling and teary, but full of so much happiness:

“Yes. Of course I'll marry you.”

  
  


//

  
  


Sunday is perfect. Quentin and Dinah are there bright and early to help set up and, surprisingly, so are the Sharpe's. Their friends arrive soon after, then Zari, Laurel and, eventually, Oliver. It's a little tense at first, because Sara hears it when he makes a comment to Ray about Palmer Tech or another to Zari about Ava, but she has to pretend she doesn't because it's Jay's birthday and she can't make a scene.

Everything goes smoothly enough. Up until it's time to open the presents and then all hell breaks loose.

Ray, innocently enough, got him tickets to go see ballet the following month. He's a visual learner and for how many videos Ava can show him on her phone, the real thing can't compare. There's three tickets inside, of course, but that's not even what starts it, because Sara's barely read him what the tickets are for when he's jumping up and down and asking:

“Can we go?” Then, innocently enough and in that way he's learned to do ever since he caught up on the fact that Ava cannot, for the life of her, say no to him, he turns to Ava. “Can we go?”

Sara and Ava are smiling and nodding already, having been asked permission from Ray in advance, when Oliver says to Jay:

“You don't have to ask for her permission to do stuff.”

Everyone goes silent and it's like the room froze over, except for Quentin. He's in the habit of counting glasses others have, since he can't have any, and he knows Oliver's number of glasses of wine right now is just a little too high. He's barely gotten up and taken a step, though, when Jay says.

“Why not?”

Sara is on her feet, too. She already has a hand up, but it doesn't stop Oliver from saying:

“She's not your mother or anything. I get that you're confused, but-”

It's not that Sara doesn't have words: she does, even though the large majority aren't things she wants to be saying in front of her six years old. It's that they won't come out. It's like the air has been sucked from her lungs.

Ava knows he chose that because it's the thing that'll hurt her the most, just like she hurt him when she told him Sara would never go back to him. But it still feels like the end of the world to her. To hear it out loud. It's her deepest fears come to life.

Surprisingly, or maybe not so surprisingly, Jay's the one who isn't shocked or paralysed by him being an ass.

“I _want_ her to be my mom, and you don't get to decide that! And I don't want _you_ to be my dad, because you're rude to everyone, you say mean things to me, you say bad things about mama, you're evil! You always ruin everything!”

“Jason Quentin Lance, that is quite enough!” Ava warns him, acting on instinct when Sara doesn't, picking him up so he'll stop shouting his heart out.

“Put _him_ in time out, he's the one ruining my birthday and he doesn't even want to be here,” he accuses bitterly.

Once Ava has scooped him up and moved into the kitchen, then out the backdoor, she hears Sara start yelling. She shuts the door and sits down next to Jay on the swing for a moment.

He has all this anger, bubbling up inside him, that Ava doesn't know how to ease away. So she sits with him, trying to not pay any mind to the muffled voices coming from inside the house, rubbing his back soothingly when he hugs her.

“Why aren't you mad?”

“I am,” Ava tells him truthfully. “I just don't show it. Mom and I taught you, remember, that when you have big, big feelings, sometimes bad feelings, you might need a little break. A time out that's not for punishment. Just a little time to gather your thoughts and think about what you're really feeling, you know? And that's why I'm here with you. I have scary feelings right now, but being with you makes them better.”

“Why? I'm not doing anything.”

Ava smiles at him. “But you did something, my love. You said you want me to be your mom. That's worth more than what he thinks, because... let me tell you a little secret,” she whispers to him playfully. “He doesn't get to decide wether I can be or not. You know why?”

He shakes his head no. “Why?”

“Because I already _am_. So that feeling in your chest,” she points her finger to his heart, “that's making you feel scared and angry and a little sad, it has no roots. It'll go away. Because I know that you know, in your heart, in a place with many, many roots, that he's wrong. That I _am_ your mom. And the roots will make sure the feeling stays. And I'll tell you everyday how much I love you, so the roots will grow even deeper.”

“So, I love you is like water? It grows your heart?”

“Yes, peanut. Like water, it makes the love in your heart grow its roots deeper and deeper until it's as big as that old oak at the park where the woodpecker's made a nest.”

“I love you, mama. Love you with big, big roots.”

“Me, too. So much.” Ava kisses his head and sighs when she sees he's not that mad anymore. “Why did you say Oliver's mean to you?”

“Because he is. He says I'm too girl-ish. That I shouldn't like princesses or cooking. That people will think I'm effim- effenm- ...girly.”

Ava's sadness leaves her all together. The only thing she can feel is hot, red, unbound rage.

“Wait here for a second, okay? I'll come back to get you when it's okay to come in. Don't eavesdrop Jay, I'm serious.”

He nods. “Okay. I'm in big trouble already, I'll behave.”

Ava kisses his head and slips into the house, closing the glass door, then the kitchen door. She grabs Dinah's arm gently and asks her to go make sure Jay doesn't listen in and to close the doors on her way to the backyard. She nods and goes and Ava turns to Sara and Oliver still arguing in their entrance all. It's not a stretch to imagine all their guest in the next room over can hear them, and it's just one more thing that pisses Ava off that he had to do this in front of their family and friends. Nate and Ray follow her silently, just to make sure nothing goes awry, probably.

“Of all the selfish, stupid, fucked up things-” Sara's not yelling exactly, but she's not using her inside voice either, and her voice is hard and defensive.

Ava steps in front of Sara, making her shut up suddenly when she realizes Ava's there. She looks Oliver in the eyes, trying not to lose the last ounce of calm she has.

“Get out,” she orders. Her voice is stern and low, but laced with an anger Sara has never heard her use before.

“Calm down, I didn't mean anything by it. You're not his biol-”

“Get. Out.” Ava tells him again. “This isn't a debate anymore. Get _the fuck_ out.”

Oliver scoffs, then turns to Sara. “Will you tell her some-”

“Don't you dare try to manipulate her,” Ava takes a step closer to him, and it says a lot about how angry she looks that Sara feels the need to place a hand on her arm when she does. “Sara was nothing but fair to you. _I_ was nothing but courteous to you, despite the way you kept behaving. We invited you into our home, into our life, and you have the nerve to act like calling _our child_ some misogynistic, homophobic bullshit, isn't that big of a deal? Get. The fuck. Out.”

Ava points to the front door, and it just so happens that her arm is too close to Oliver's face for his liking, so he swats her hand away. Ava has a hold of his shirt and is pushing him back a step before Nate and Ray are even by her side. And they get there quite quickly, the moment Oliver actually strikes her first.

“Do _not_ test what I'd do to protect him,” Ava tells him and her voice is still low, but it's dangerous, so much more than Sara's when she was screaming. “Even from you.”

He shoves her arm off, and Nate and Ray are on him right after, making him turn to the door and pushing him rather ungently towards it.

“Fine, fine. I'm leaving. But this isn't over.”

“It is,” Sara tells him after he's out the door. “I'm gonna make sure it is.” She slams the door in his face.

As soon as the echo of it is over, she turns to see Ava is already moving through the kitchen and to the backyard. Sara finds her sitting in silence next to Jay, with Dinah standing beside them, a hand on Ava's shoulder.

“He's gone?”

Ava nods sharply.

“Good. I'll give you a minute,” she kisses Jay's head, then Ava's, like she's done it her whole life, like she'll get to do it her whole life. She kisses Sara's cheek in passing and leaves them alone, closing the door behind her.

Sara sits down on Jay's other side, but isn't quite sure what's the right thing to say. Jay glances up at her and gives her a rueful smile.

“We're both in time out. We're sorry we got mad. But we're gonna be better, we're gonna water our hearts with I love you's. So they'll have big, big roots. And when someone says something bad it won't matter, because the bad feelings will be so tiny and our love will be so big. Did I get it right?” He asks Ava, who's trying not to cry and failing miserably.

“Yes, my love. You got it right.”

She hugs him into her side and kisses his head, and Sara has never been more in love in her entire life. With either of them, really.

“I love you,” she tells Jay, kissing his head. She looks at Ava from above his head and leans in so Ava will touch her forehead to Sara's. “I love you,” she whispers so surely it shakes Ava a little.

Sara's just seen it, that scary, deep, dark place inside her. And it didn't scare her. And it didn't change anything. And it makes Ava believe they can make it pretty much through anything, if they can just get through this.

  
  


//

  
  


After everyone's gone, after Jay has been read to sleep to, Ava closes the door to his bedroom and every other door between it and the kitchen where Sara is looking something up on her laptop. She puts it aside when Ava sits down in front of her at the kitchen island.

“Do you want me to go buy some more doors we can put up so you can close those, too, or do you think this is enough?” Sara teases her.

Ava barely registers the joke, her hands intertwining nervously in front of her. “We're going to fight and I don't want Jay to hear it.”

“Mh,” Sara nods, mirroring her position, but maintaining a peaceful expression. “I figured, babe. Can I ask what we're fighting about?”

Ava doesn't seem put at ease by Sara's calm behaviour, but she's glad Sara's ready to listen to her before they get into it.

“Well, first of all, I want to apologize about today.”

Sara's eyebrows shoot up. “I don't think you and I define fighting the same way.”

“I shouldn't have gotten mad, I shouldn't have spoken for the both of us. And most of all, I shouldn't have grabbed him when he pushed my hand and I shouldn't have threatened him.”

Sara studies her for a long moment, then nods and shrugs. “That's your opinion, and I respect it. But you don't need to apologize to me. If _you_ think you shouldn't have done any of those thing, apologize to _you_.”

It makes her frown. “You don't think I was out of line?”

“I think he provoked you, I think he's been for months and I think the fact you threw him out not because of the horrible thing he said to you today, but because of what he said to Jay, is very telling. For the record, I was going to do the same once I was done with the very long and detailed string of insults I was listing when you came in.”

“I was out with Jay for a good five minutes and you _still_ weren't done?” Ava finally returns Sara's smile tentatively.

“Oh, I spent the first four and a half explaining to him why he was wrong and why he's the one who isn't a parent to Jay. I was just starting with the insults, and I could have gone on ten more minutes, easily.”

“Sara,” Ava chuckles, it's meant to be admonishing but it comes out amused instead. “So... you're not mad at me?” A frown is back on her face a moment later, when she considers again what happened.

Sara's fingers touch hers gently, until Ava's hands untangle so Sara can hold them.

“No. I'm mad at him, I'm mad at myself for not realizing before that... sometimes trying isn't enough. Not when it's for Jay's wellbeing. He either does better or he doesn't. He hasn't been improving, and I shouldn't have been hoping he would because I kept trying to educate him. Oliver's not my son and it shouldn't be my job to teach him how to be a good father.”

“Okay. Good.” Ava nods, looking down at their hands for a moment. “That's- that's actually the next thing we need to fight about.”

Sara tries not to smile. “Still not fighting, but go on.”

“Well, I don't know what makes a good father, I don't think anyone does, but I do know one thing that is essential and necessary for it to happen. You have to _want_ to be a father. More than that, you have to want to be a _good_ parent and you have to want to raise a good person.” When she looks up Sara's looking at her with an unreadable expression, just waiting for her to say what she has to. “I won't lie and say I don't have an opinion about this, but I think today made it clear that Jay has an opinion about this, too. He feels like Oliver doesn't want to be his dad and I think that's why he's been acting so angry and sad after he sees him. Jay doesn't understand that he just _is_ his father because of genetics, all he knows is that, this guy we're forcing him to hang with doesn't want to be there for him. It's not how you raised him and it's not how we've been raising him together. And I don't want him around someone who makes him feel like he's not wanted.” Ava breathes out slowly and then waits.

“I completely agree.”

“Well if- wait, what?”

“I think you're right. Like I said, he's not being a good dad, he's not getting any better, and it's not our or Jay's job to teach him, or endure the things he does or says until he learns. He's proven again and again he's not fit to be around him and, for as much as it pains me to admit it, I don't think he wants to learn how to be. So yes, I agree.”

“Oh. Okay. Good, that's- okay.” Ava's shoulders relax a little and her tense expression eases up considerably.

“Mh,” Sara nods, then her reassuring smile turns into a neutral expression. “Now that that's settled, of course, we're gonna have to talk about why you thought we'd have to fight about this.”

“Oh-oh. That's not good.” Suddenly, she's tense again, because she knows that tone and she knows they're actually fighting now.

“You thought I'd get mad or defensive, because you didn't think it would be your place to point out how Oliver isn't being a good father, because he's Jay's biological parent and you're not. Am I close?” Sara asks, but Ava knows better than to answer that. “I'll never forgive Oliver for saying you're not his mother in front of Jay. And the only reason I'm not yelling at you right now is that you at least didn't say it in front of him, or out loud. I know this is a fear you have, but we need to find a way for you to get over it or-”

“No, Sara I swear, that's not-” Ava's voice trembles and she has to take a long breath in before she starts talking again. “I'm a lawyer. Legally, it's your choice if he sees his dad.”

Sara opens her mouth with a slightly pissed off frown and Ava knows if she doesn't interrupt her now, it'll be days before they can understand each other.

“It's your choice what school he goes to or which sports he's allowed to do,” Ava goes on. “It doesn't mean I haven't been super loud about my opinions on those things because... because I'm his mom. That's what I told him after Oliver said that, that's what I _know_ to be true. I haven't said anything about Oliver because I can't be objective about him, because _legally_ , and yes, fine, okay, _biologically_ , he's Jay's parent and I'm not. And of course I don't want him around. Of course I'm scared of losing my kid to a man who doesn't love him the way I do, because, for as much as I love it, the law sucks sometimes. But I'd never take him from Jay because of that, and I'd have never said anything if I didn't genuinely believe this to be what's best for him,” she argues passionately, getting it all out before Sara can doubt anything she's saying or why she's saying it.

“I don't care if you're not being objective. I'm not a judge or some juror. I'm your partner, Ava, and I need to know what you're feeling and what you're thinking. And if you wait months every time you feel something negative-”

“You're right. Absolutely, I haven't been handling Oliver well. I'm sorry.”

“Stop interrupting me,” Sara warns raising an eyebrow, and trying to keep her smirk on the inside. “You've handled it poorly. And so have I,” she adds. “And we need to learn to communicate better, babe, even about the kind of stuff we're scared might come between us.”

Ava nods, but keeps her mouth sealed.

“We're going to be together for the rest of our lives and you're going to be Jay's mom for the rest of his.”

Ava nods again, surely and solemnly.

“I want to know what you think about _anything_ when it comes to Jay, or myself. Doesn't matter where those thoughts come from. Okay?”

“Okay. I'm sorry. I'm going to come to you more, when I need you to be the voice of reason in my head, when those scary thoughts get to me. I swear, we're never doing the not-talking-about-stuff thing ever again.”

“Good,” Sara smiles at her, then tugs her hand. “Come here, please.”

Ava rounds the island to sit beside her and Sara takes her face into her hands, kissing her firmly and then leaning back to place her laptop in front of them.

“I was looking at this when you were taking care of bedtime, but then I realized my super smart lawyer fiancée might have a better idea about how to do this than me,” she points out, showing Ava her browser.

Ava looks it over for a moment, then frowns. “Are you sure about this?”

“Yes. Do you want some time to think about it?”

Ava hesitates for a moment. But she's just promised she was going to be completely honest, so she can only say: “No. I think this is what's best for everyone.”

  
  


//

  
  


It's probably a little bit of a low blow that Sara goes to his office with the papers; she knows there are glass walls and people will be able to see as they pass by, so he won't make a scene. And she'll have to refrain from one, too.

She doesn't have an appointment, but when she calls him and tells him she's downstairs he sends someone to escort her up. He's sitting at his desk, the hint of a smile on his lips.

“You don't have to apologize for her.”

“I wasn't going to,” Sara drops the papers on his desk without preamble, since he was so eager to get into it.

Oliver frowns, but picks up the folder. “Renounce of paternity? Are you serious?”

“Look, Oliver-”

“Did she put you up to this?”

“No, not at all. This is me, all me. Look, it's better for your family that he isn't legally yours. And, to be honest, it's better for mine,” she says bluntly. “Can we be honest for a moment? The only reason you've been trying has been to get me back. I don't want you back, I'll never want you back, Oliver. I want to raise my son with love and acceptance, and the way you make him feel will ruin him. It'll ruin me. It'll ruin everything. You don't want Jay and-”

“I'll learn to love him. To accept him. And we'll have more, someday, and it'll be easier if I'm there from the start, they won't be so... different.”

“Oliver,” Sara's voice trembles but she doesn't step forward, “the only reason your nose isn't already broken for what you just said is that I want you to sign those papers. He's my son. I love him more than anything in the universe. You're toxic to him, and to me. Please. Just... let us go.”

“No. Absolutely not! You want me to sign these so _she_ -”

“Don't you dare bring Ava into this. She loves Jay so much it breaks my heart he's known life without her. She's the one person who's never seen him as a mistake, just as a gift. And she's the love of my life.”

“Oh, please. That's not true. We've been in and out of love since we were-”

“The letter you wrote me for our first month together.”

“What?”

“The letter. The letter that you gave me, the one you used to bring up every time I complained about you never doing anything romantic for me. Was that all you? Did you write that on your own?”

His eyes drift to the side, then back to her. “Sure, I did.” Sara shakes her head and looks away in that way that tells him she doesn't believe him. “What did she tell you? She had no right, that was between me and her, we were best friends! So maybe if she helped me a little bit-”

“Sign the papers, Oliver. And one day, when he's old enough to understand what biological means, maybe he'll even want to see you again. If you keep hurting him and making him feel defective, he'll never forgive you. And neither will I. You have to let me go, Ollie. You have to. It's over.”

And, despite the many times Sara's said they were in the past, only to come back to him when the time was better and past mistakes were forgotten, when she says it this time, Oliver believes her.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you might have noticed, the chapter number has been changed to 8. This was supposed to be the end (followed by a brief epilogue) but I felt like it wasn't really satisfactory entirely (keep in mind that this wasn't really meant to be published and was just written for myself), and I wanted to tie up some lose ends. Next two chapters will be up hopefully maintaining the same weekly schedule, if you aren't up for them just imagine this as the end!
> 
> Thank you all for sticking around so long, I hope to see you next week!


	7. the two of us so out of place (my feelings written on my face)

The charter elementary school they've chosen for Jay sends out invites for an informal gathering two weeks before the first day. It's to get the kids acquainted with their new classmates, but it's also for the parents to befriend each other.

Tragically, Nate and Amaya are going to arrive late because of a family event, and Sara is working until lunch time, so that leaves Ava and Jay. Also known as, the two most awkward individuals of their family when it comes to making new friends.

Ava holds his hand when he asks, and only lets go when they are greeted by Jay's future teacher, so she keeps him close to herself with her left hand on his shoulder, but he's quick to grab it with both of his.

“Hello! You must be one of mine, I teach first grade, and I don't think I've seen you around the school,” she addresses Jay, but makes sure to smile and nod at Ava. “I'm Kate.”

He looks up and Ava nods encouragingly. “I'm Jay,” he offers his hand.

Ava offers after him. “Ava. And yes, he's starting first grade. Jason Lance.”

Kate nods and then smiles down at him. “You're definitely in my class, Jay. I love your hair, it's so pretty, and it looks just like your mom's.”

He's been refusing to cut it the few times they've offered, it's shoulder length and sometimes gets in his eyes, but he likes it a lot and, if she's honest, Ava likes it, too. It suits him. And even thought she knows that his dirty blonde shade is due to Oliver's genes, it looks more similar to Ava's than Sara's. Kate isn't the first stranger to comment that they look alike, and Ava suspects it's one of the reason Jay's been so adamant about growing it out. When Kate mentions the similarity, Jay gives her a gigantic smile.

“Do you want me to introduce you to some of your classmates?”

He ponders the offer, then looks up. “Can I go with Miss Kate, mama?”

“Of course, sweetheart. Make lots of friends, okay? I'll be here if you need me.”

Kate points her to the refreshments they have up, a nearby table with some of the parents chatting around it, and tells her a few other empty tables are also good to occupy. She makes sure Jay knows where she'll be, then watches where he's been led to. Once she sees him talk to a few other children and they start to play around the wooden castle in the park, she heads to the other parents.

She's walking to them, ready to start a conversation, ready to mingle and talk about the weather for two hours, she really is. But her phone rings and Ray's name flashes on the screen. And when you're Ava Sharpe you can do nothing but answer when your boss calls. She answers his questions, sorts out a couple of things for him over the phone, then shoots out a couple of work related emails when they hang up. She checks that Jay's still having fun and when she sees him still playing with the other kids, her own edginess fades a bit.

He's okay. He's going to be just fine.

So that leaves herself. Right. Parents. She just has to talk to them. A few are even her age. A few others are at least a decade older. But so what, her colleagues are older and she gets along with them just fine. Well, as long as they follow her orders. But this is different.

“Hello,” she politely greets three of the moms chatting near the refreshments.

“Oh, hi! First grader?”

“Uh, yeah. Yes, my kid's...” she points behind herself, then turn to check Jay's still having fun. Of course he is, it's been less than a minute since the last time she looked.

“Bit of separation anxiety? It's okay, we're all a little worried about school starting,” another mom says. “I'm Ali, these are Lily and Jess.”

“Nice to meet you,” she says politely and shakes their hands, then tries to follow as the conversation moves on how to cope with their kids being away from home and in school for the first time.

Ava nods and hums in all the right places, but can't really relate completely, since she works in the mornings anyway and Jay went to kindergarten the year before. She's never had that time period when you're home with your kid full time and you get to spend every waking second with them. A part of her regrets to have missed it, but another part also knows that period is mostly filled with cries and screams and insomnia.

She's getting lost in her thoughts, so she excuses herself for a moment and walks to the nearby table to get herself a glass of something cool. Having a drink usually makes her feel like less of a fish out of water, even if it's just lemonade.

“Isn't that...”

“I think so.”

Ava takes a sip of her – admittedly tasty, probably homemade – lemonade and then turns to see what Lily and Jess are talking about. She's just in time to see Jay running into Sara's arms as she greets him with a kiss on the head. Kate walks to her to introduce herself like she did with Ava. She glances at the clock to see it's been more than an hour already since they've arrived, and Sara must've found a way to get out of her second class so she could catch up earlier.

She sees Kate nod and turn to their table while Jay points to her. Sara turns and smiles when their eyes meet and Ava can't help but do the same. A moment later Jay is tugging at her shirt and Sara shifts her attention again.

“That has to be him. She was... how old was she again?”

“Nineteen, I think? Maybe younger.”

“Poor thing. I got pregnant at twenty-seven and it still felt like too soon. And then he bailed like that.”

“I mean, when someone _that_ rich knocks you up, he either marries you or leaves you.”

“Guys, please, I don't think it's any of our business. My baby daddy left, too, and he was beyond broke,” Ali interjects.

Ava is snapped out of her Sara induced daydream just in time to register what they're talking about. Well, she can't really rejoin the conversation, now.

“Imagine the heartbreak. I've heard she even tried to reconnect with him, recently. Didn't work out, go figure.”

Jay goes back to his new friends and Sara starts walking to them with Kate, as Ava is trying to decide if she should just walk past the other parents and meet her halfway.

“Oh my, are you sure it didn't? Look at that ring on her hand, you can see that rock from here.”

Ava is starting to think public school might've been better. Then again, this was their compromise between private and public, so there's that.

“...he can be so shy,” Sara's saying when they get in hearing distance. “His best friend is enrolling in his same class and she's a lot more outgoing, they usually balance each other out.”

“It's good that they know each other, a completely new class can be overwhelming and a lot of the kids know each other from our kindergarten, but it's also a good thing he's getting to know some of the other kids,” Kate tells her. “These are some of the other moms. If you don't mind, I'll leave your wife to do the introductions. I can see some of the other teachers have their hands full.”

“Oh, we're... just engaged,” Sara clarifies.

Kate smiles and nods her head in acknowledgement, then excuses herself. Ava opens her arm as soon as Sara's close enough so she can slip underneath it and snuggle up into Ava's side.

“Hey, you were done soon with work.”

“Class was cancelled, a tube burst or something and they needed to get on it as soon as possible to have it fixed by Monday.”

Ava nods, then looks down. “Want some lemonade?” She finds herself asking, for lack of a better thing to say.

“I'll have some water, I'm still hot from the shower.”

Ava pours it for her and it distracts her just long enough for Sara to notice the three women standing just a few feet away. Before Ava can do anything she's introducing herself to them and starting up a conversation about which one are their kids and where they went to kindergarten, what they do for a living and empty nest syndrome. She's so much better than Ava at this. Sara would point out she's also had to do it much longer and, after all, it's how she met Nate and Amaya, who are now two of their best friends.

Ava plays nice and brings her the water, sticks around, nods and hums again in all the right places and even chips in once or twice, but her heart isn't into it anymore. She doesn't know if they can be friends, not after the conversation she overheard. And, by the contrite looks Ali keeps shooting her way, she might suspect Ava heard them.

She gets through the conversation knowing that once it's over she can just nod from afar and avoid them for the following five years. Except, it's time for lunch. And each kid goes running back to their parents, Jay included. And he's walking to them talking and giggling with the same girl he's been playing with.

The girl turns to Ali when they're close enough and asks: “Mom, can we sit with Jay and his moms?”

Well, at least it was Ali. She tried to defend Sara, so maybe...

“Sure, as long as they're okay with it,” she tells her, then turns to Ava and Sara.

“Please?” Jay gives them his best smile. Ava taught him that. She feels a little proud, but a little bit betrayed.

“Yeah, we'd love to. I'll grab us a table, and you two can get through the line with the kids?” Sara offers, looking at Ava and Ali. “You know what I like to eat,” she tells Ava as a final reassurance before kissing her cheek and heading off.

So they get in line and the kids chat away the entire time and Ava has never felt quite as awkward before. If she acts like she didn't hear anything, she might come off as a hypocrite. If she says something, she'll probably seem like a stuck up.

“I'm sorry about them,” Ali tells her before she can make up her mind. “I mean, I don't even know them, I met them maybe five times during Lita's time in kindergarten, and I know they say the same stupid stuff behind my own back, if it makes you feel any better.”

Ava grimaces. “Not really, but thank you. Sara wouldn't even mind, really. Everyone knows. That's Star City for you, I guess.”

“Yeah. I mean, most days I'm glad I moved here, great sense of community, fresh start, but other times... small town mentality sucks.”

She chuckles and nods. “Not from here, then?”

“Central City. Had to leave, Lita's dad was infamous there. He is here, too, I guess, but nobody here knows I was a criminal's high school sweetheart, you know?”

Ava nods. “I might kinda get that, yeah. As you might have gathered, by fiancée's had an infamous high school sweetheart of her own.”

“Well, I'm not in the habit of judging people's decision, especially if I don't know them.”

“Me neither, so I guess we could pretend we never heard them talk about that and start over?”

“I'd be glad, honestly. Mostly because, I don't think we'd be able to tear those two apart even if we wanted to,” she whispers conspiratorially, nodding to the kids a few feet ahead, Jay standing still as Lita tries to braid his hair.

“Here, so it won't get in your face, mom always does mine like this.”

The braid is messy and it half comes apart the second she lets go, because she doesn't have a hair tie to keep it together.

“Uh-oh. I think I missed some steps.”

“Don't worry, my mama does this cool thing with hers for work sometimes, I bet if we ask she'll teach us after lunch.”

“Cool!”

Ava can't help but smile. “No, I don't think we would either.”

  
  


Once Nate and Amaya get there, things get easier. Mari, Lita and Jay seem to immediately become partners in crime and go back to playing around as soon as they get bored of Ava and Amaya teaching them hair-do's, so they get to just sit around and talk and bond with their own new friend, Ali, until it's time to call it a day.

All in all, it wasn't the worst. Ava still feels a little sour when they walk by Jess and Lily; they're talking with a few other moms and a couple dads, and Ava knows she can't dwell too much on what they're saying, because she'll drive herself crazy.

She tries not to think about it, tries not to dwell on what Jay might think if he hears them talk about it. She tries, but Sara sees right through it. Ava's doing the dishes when she feels arms around her waist and her mind crashes back to Earth. Sara kisses her shoulder through her shirt.

“Jay's out cold. All that running around caught up with him. Want some wine to go with the story you're about to tell me?”

Ava chuckles. “I love how you've already decided I'm going to talk about it.”

“Aren't you?” Sara moves on her toes and kisses the back of her neck, then the corner of her jaw. “I thought we were... how was it you put it? We're never doing the not-talking-about-stuff thing ever again?”

“I did say that, didn't I? Damn you, past Ava. I guess some wine would be nice,” she turns her head and Sara kisses her quickly before leaning away.

So, despite not being sure it's the right thing to do, Ava sits with her on their couch and tells her. Not all of it, of course. She just says some of the other moms knew who Sara was, who Jay's dad is, and that she was just thinking if it might bother him if he hears them talk about it. Sara tells her she figured they would know, completely unbothered.

“A few of the kids are from families in your family's circle. Or, say, Nate's family's circle. Or the Queen's.”

“You could just say they're rich assholes,” Ava puts her glass down on the coffee table, then reaches for Sara's to do the same with hers.

“I mean, your words, not mine. But public schools don't have welcome back picnic's, babe. Some of the families give them generous donations. And the tuition isn't as cheep as public school, not to mention the transportation fee, lunch expenses...” she pauses when Ava looks away. “You just signed the check, didn't you?”

“How am I supposed to know how much public school costs? We agreed to enrol him there 'cause we thought it would be better for him, right? And since I heavily advocated for the school...”

“You don't need to argue with me again, I already agreed to it, didn't I?”

“Right. So, it's basically a school for rich liberals? And I didn't realize because of my own privilege?”

“Pretty much. But it's a great school, and Jay'll be happy there. So who cares if they talk about Oliver behind my back? I don't give a damn what they think. Do you?”

“No. No, I don't. I wish they weren't as rude about it, but I really don't.”

“I worked retail and you're a lawyer, we're used to rude people. And what's the worst thing a kid might say to Jay? That they know his dad left? Jay knows who he is now, for better or worse, and he hasn't mentioned Oliver once since his birthday party,” Sara reminds her, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear and leaning in to kiss her neck. “Unless a parent explains to their kid in excruciating detail how he knocked me up and left-”

“Please, don't talk about Oliver knocking you up while you're kissing me,” Ava fakes a grimace and shakes her head. “I get it, I was being over cautious. Can we make out, now?”

“My, you're so romantic, I might faint,” Sara rolls her eyes, but kisses her.

Ava feels her smile against her lips and, suddenly, she barely remembers what was bothering her a moment before.

  
  


//

  
  


The first day of school is unexpectedly tame.

Ava makes sure he remembers her cellphone number – and Sara's – before they drop him off and Sara walks him in. She goes about her day emanating nervous vibes, but she gets through it and goes to pick him up without texting Sara too many times if she thinks Jay's okay.

He chats her ear off the whole ride home about the new classroom and Mari being his desk neighbour, and Lita being Mari's desk neighbour, and a certain Cody being Lita's and... it goes on for a while. Then he talks about Miss Kate and the classes and everything he's learned which, thankfully, isn't a lot, it being the first day and all.

He doesn't have homework; Ava's glad, she has no idea how she would have damped the excitement spree he's on long enough to sit him down for it, honestly. So, instead, they have a snack and play Peter Pan until Sara gets home.

Having Astra is really proving instrumental, on top of being ace at her job she's convinced Ava that the act of delegating, for the head of a department, isn't an inherently shameful one, so Ava is only actually doing her job, which allows her to cut one or two days a week short enough that she can pick up Jay. Then, there's Sara's free day. And they have two very eager volunteers to cover the days neither of them can make it: Dinah, who only teaches morning classes, and Pam, housewife turned grandma extraordinaire, who has been trying to be subtle about her wanting to be around more but isn't very good at subtlety.

Jay understands both his moms have work hours to respect, so he tries not to give his grandmothers too hard of a time. Plus, two days a week, Dinah drops him off for his dance lessons and Sara takes it from there.

He likes school, he likes his classmates, he likes his teachers. They can't help but be happy about their choice, even if it came to be in an unexpected way.

  
  


//

  
  


Saturdays are still Ava's favourite. She gets to spend the mornings with Jay, even if sometimes they're doing different things at the same table, and the afternoons are their family time.

It's a couple weeks since he's started school, when Ava brings him with her on a grocery run. He stands on the rod between the back wheels and lets Ava drive him around as she goes through her mental list – Sara's lost her actual one the day before, she should really start writing it on her phone so her fiancée doesn't lose it after she's spent days adding stuff to it.

“Cereals?” Jay suggests.

“Right, cereals. And milk, of course.”

“Of course,” Jay teases her.

Ava pokes his side gently and lets him pick the kind he likes while she drops a couple of bottles of milk in the cart.

They move on and are almost at check-out, Ava's trying to decide what kind of toothpaste she wants, when he gets off the cart and takes a few steps to the side. He tugs her shirt lightly a moment later.

“Mama? Can I get these?”

Ava glances down to see a pack with three blue hair clips with a small yellow flower glued to each of them. “Sure, drop 'em in,” she nods to the cart, then picks the whitening toothpaste and puts the other back on the shelf.

He's still looking up at her, package still in hand. “Are you sure? Did you look?”

Ava looks at his hopeful bluer than blue eyes, then at the hair clips again. “Let me see,” she asks, gently taking the small items that Jay relinquishes easily. “Where'd you take them?”

He nods to a nearby shelf. Ava walks to it beside him and looks at the other options.

“Okay, look,” she crouches down next to him so they can both look at the hair clips eye-to-eye. “I know you like yellow, but with your hair colour the flower will be barely visible. How about the pink ones with the red flower? Or the light blue ones with the green flower?”

He looks at the other options briefly, then puts his arms around Ava's shoulders so he can lean on her the way he does when he's feeling shy. “They're both pretty.”

“Do you still want the one with the yellow flower? It'll still be pretty even if...”

He shakes his head and then hides against Ava's shoulder for a moment, as he looks for the right words. “I didn't know if you would say yes. You really meant it, didn't you? That it's okay if I like these things.”

Ava shifts so she can hug him to her side, it's an awkward angle, but she manages. “Of course we did, honey. We'd never lie to you, would we?”

He shakes his head again, then turns back to the shelf. “Will you wear one, too?”

She looks at the colourful, pastel hair clips that would tarnish her whole aesthetic completely, and doesn't even hesitate. “Of course, so we can match.”

“Can we get both?”

Ava picks up one package in each of the three different colours, then she sees a small box of colourful hair ties and points them out to Jay. “For when you want to tie your hair like I taught you?”

He nods eagerly, so Ava gets one of those, too. A moment later Jay's back riding the cart, making car engine noises while Ava pushes him around. He's patient in the car, almost more than Ava herself, he even lets her sort the groceries before he asks if they can open the clips. Ava brings him to the bathroom, so he can see them in the mirror.

His hair is parted on the same side Ava's is, so he asks that they both comb back the half with less hair and use the clips to keep it back. Ava obliges. He has a clip of each colour in his hair in a wonderful mess of clashing colours and then helps as Ava does the same to her own.

“We look super cute,” he says excitedly. “Do you like it?”

Ava doesn't think about her collage days, walking around in leather jackets and aviator sunglasses, she doesn't think about the prim and polished attire she wears to work everyday. She looks down at Jay's hopeful eyes and smiles with all the glee she feels in her heart seeing him this excited.

“Are you kidding, I love it!”

Jay smiles and looks in the mirror again. Ava kisses his head and then tells him it's time to get started on lunch. Sara finds them like that when she gets home, with Jay setting the table and telling her all about their new matching clips and how Sara has to put them on, too. She tells him how pretty they look and nods along while he tells her about their morning, but Ava sees the glint in her eyes when she sees Ava's hair. Eventually, Jay gives them a moment alone to greet each other and goes back to setting the table.

“Not a word,” she warns Sara, who's circling her waist and admiring it up close. “And you know what, they _do_ look pretty.”

“Absolutely, the prettiest,” Sara nods and kisses her cheek. “Just out of curiosity, if your son asked you to wear a tutu-”

“Hush.”

“I'm just trying to gauge the extent of it, I'm not saying I will actually weaponize the knowledge,” she pouts innocently.

Ava hums, then sighs. “If he really wanted me to in his beautiful heart, then... we both know I'd do pretty much anything for him.”

“Aw,” Sara coos, kissing her cheek again. “They do look pretty,” she teases. “They even-”

“Mom, look!” Jay runs back into the kitchen. “There were three of each, so you can put them on, too!”

Ava smiles, vindicated. “Yes, mom,” she gives Sara a slight push. “You put them on, too.”

It's not like they didn't know already Sara would pretty much do anything for him as well, so she smiles, nods, and lets him lead her to the bathroom, where they can get them on while Ava finishes getting lunch ready.

  
  


//

  
  


The end of October brings a shift in weather and Ava's mom's birthday. Pam is usually reticent about celebrating it, limiting it to a closest family brunch, and she keeps saying she'll celebrate her big fifty when the time comes. She's getting close, but isn't quite there, so brunch it is.

“We're doing it Sunday at the Country Club, per tradition. I'll call Sara personally, of course, but you should mention it to her in the meantime.”

“Yes, mom,” Ava knows the weird etiquette. _If you truly want someone to be somewhere, invite them three times: once indirectly, once directly, and once to confirm last minute_. It's undoubtedly strange but it's how her parents have always done things, and how their friends have always done things, so Ava's used to it.

“Make sure she knows she doesn't have to get me anything, seeing my grandchild is all I ask.”

“Yes, mom. We both know we'll get you something, but I'll make sure to mention she doesn't have to.”

Her mom sighs over the phone, but then chuckles. “I love your sarcasm, dear. Make sure to bring that, too.”

“Will do, mom,” Ava smiles to herself. “Are you sure you want to go to the Andromeda? It's a little...”

“Snob? I know, but we always go there. You know, most of our friends have lunches there on Sunday, and they know my birthday is coming up, so they can stop by the table to wish me well without feeling obliged to get me something.”

“I know they do,” Ava is actually pretty impressed with the number of birthdays her mom has memorized. She's convinced those club's ladies actually have a secret shared calendar to make sure they don't forget birthdays, it's the only logical explanation. “I have to get back to work, but I'll talk to you later?”

“Of course, dear. Have a nice day.”

“You, too, mom.”

Ava obliges with her requests and tells Sara they're invited to her mom's birthday on Sunday. She also tells her she'll get a call from her mom inviting her personally probably the next day, and that her mom will insist they shouldn't bring her a gift. They absolutely need to bring her a gift.

“Of course we do, we're not savages, it's a birthday party,” Sara rolls her eyes.

So Pam calls Sara to invite her and then she calls them on Saturday to confirm. They get her a gift, dress Jay a bit more properly than for usual Sunday lunch at one of his grandparents houses, and head off to the country club.

Thing are even okay for a while. Better than expected, even. A few of Pam's friends stop by the table to wish her a happy birthday and Jay keeps telling her how lucky she is that she has so many friends after each one leaves. He eats his fancy pasta without hiccups. He's even eating his greens without complaining, bribed by Sara with the promise of ice cream later if he's on his best behaviour.

Until... well.

“Hello, Pam. I wanted to wish you happy birthday.”

“Moira. Well, thank you very much.”

She nods to her father, then turns to her. “Ava, it's been so long since I've seen you. I was sad to hear you aren't at Queen Consolidates anymore.”

Ava smiles, bites back the “it's been ten years and it's still too soon” and instead politely says: “It's nice to see you as well. And I'm afraid not, it didn't work out as we hoped.”

Moira nods, then her eyes fall on Sara. She seems surprised to see her, or at least she acts like she just now recognized her. “Miss Lance.”

“Mrs Queen,” Sara greets back, her voice neutral.

Ava can only imagine how much Sara's dreamt about strangling this woman: she's lied to Oliver about Jay, kept him and Sara apart, manipulated his son probably for the entire duration of their relationship. But Sara smiles politely and then looks away. It takes just a couple of seconds for Ava to realize what she's looking for, then she does the same. Robert's sitting at a table on the other side of the room, and there's nobody else sitting with him. She almost sighs with relief.

“I've heard about...” Moira leaves it at that, not able to summarize everything that has happened in just a few words. What would she even say? That Oliver found out that she lied, that it didn't work out like either of them wanted, that it went disastrously wrong anyway? “I hope there's no hard feelings,” she says instead.

If Sara kills her, Ava will testify for her in court, saying that amount of dismissal mixed with nonchalance is dangerous to use and consequences of the extreme kind should be expected.

Instead, Sara smiles more genuinely. “Not at all. I should thank you, really,” she side glances at Ava and catches her eyes for a moment. “It all worked out just like it was supposed to.”

Every time Ava thinks she couldn't possibly be more in love with this woman, Sara find a way to prove her wrong.

“Did it, now? What are you doing here, again?” Moira's tone isn't overly polite anymore.

“Oh, it's grandma's birthday!” Jay chimes in, being helpful in his own opinion.

“Yes, it is, sweetheart,” Pam tells him before turning to Mrs Queen. “And if you wouldn't mind, Moira, I'd like to go back to celebrating it. My daughter-in-law's presence here is not only very much appreciated, but also not really your concern.”

She looks at Jay intendedly for a few more drawn out seconds, until she finally nods, offers an – as courteous as false – apology, and leaves.

Ava hates country clubs.

  
  


Pam apologizes. Jim apologizes. Ava apologizes, too, when they're in the car.

Sara thanks her parents but assures them there's nothing to apologize for. When Ava does it, Sara takes her hand and brings it to her lips, kissing it gently.

“I thought we agreed it wouldn't matter when people are rude about their unsolicited opinions?”

“We did.” She doesn't let go of Sara's hand.

“And why apologize on her behalf, when you did nothing wrong?”

“Also reasonable. Ice cream?”

“Ice cream.”

“Ice cream!” Jay exclaims enthusiastically from the back seat.

Just like that, they let it go. And life seems to get easier and easier, even with its hiccups, the more Oliver's grip fades into a thing already dealt with. It doesn't matter if it keeps happening, and it won't matter if it happens for the rest of their lives, as annoying as it sometimes is, because he's nothing but an aggravating memory, whilst their family is very much real and present.

  
  


//

  
  


When one of her colleagues retires, Sara gives up on her one day off to move her Saturday and Sunday classes and have the weekend free to be with her family. They talk about it, cons and pros. It's paid less if she works during weekdays, but the extra money pales compared to the chance to have two full days when they're both at home and can be with each other and Jay full time.

Ava tells her that it's completely her choice. But she also mentions with vague terms how cool it would be to be brought breakfast in bed by your partner on Sunday mornings. Sara is immediately won over by the thought.

So it's her last free Wednesday. She has Zari over after lunch and they chat, drink tea, paint their nails, chat some more. They'll still do this on weekends, obviously, so the nostalgia is actually kept to a bare minimum.

She picks up Jay and they get home, he has a snack, then starts eyeing the nail polish bottles still sitting on the table. He's been more open about that kind of stuff, lately, he ties his hair the way Ava's thought him or combs it back with the colourful clips he loves so much, and ever since Oliver has been gone from their lives, he hasn't mentioned wanting to get rid of his toys again. He plays with the oven, dances his heart out in his pink ballet shoes... he's been happier in his own skin.

Not for the first time, when Sara sees him eye the nail polish, she asks: “Do you want me to teach you how to do it?”

This time, Jay agrees.

  
  


Ava has been talking. She knows that, she realizes she's been zoning out while she was supposed to be listening to her amazing fiancée talk about... whatever they were talking about, Sara wasn't really sure at the moment. She's sitting on their bed, pj's already on, but her mind is in a completely different place. She feels hands on her shoulders and knees bracketing her hips as Ava kneels behind her and rubs her back attentively for a few moments.

“You didn't hear a word about the Christmas presents I think we should buy for our parents, did you?”

Sara hums in the negative as Ava bends her head and kisses her neck as her hands keep working the knots off her back. She makes sure Sara relaxes a little, and that her attention is back in the present, before she asks:

“What's wrong, baby?”

Sara sighs, and stands up. When she turns, Ava's kneeling on their bed looking like a dream come to life in her blue silk robe. She has a slight pout because Sara's shifted away, which makes her so unbearably cute to look at, she almost wants to defer this conversation so they can go back to Ava kissing her neck.

The conversation being...

“Laurel's Jay's Godmother.”

Ava's expression turns serious when she sees Sara's own nervousness. “I know,” she nods.

“If something happened to me, she would be Jay's legal guardian. And I love Laurel, she's my sister, you know? And she would probably still make sure you were his primary caretaker. But we need to make sure, okay? You need to be... you need to, you know...” she motions awkwardly with her hand in what Ava thinks might be meant to represent a making-a-signature gesture.

“Hey, it's alright, come here,” Ava stands up and takes a step to her, opening her arms. Sara slips into them right away, letting Ava hug her.

“I know I always say that legality doesn't matter, and it _doesn't_. Not to me, not to Jay.”

“But to the rest of the world, it matters,” Ava supplies. “We both know it does. You had to sign for the school, you had to sign for ballet, you had to-”

“I hate it. I just... hate that it's like that. But at the same time, asking you to do this makes me feel like a hypocrite. Laurel would never take Jay from you, and rationally I know this, but...”

“It's not the same as having me be his other legal guardian?”

Sara hugs her closer, trying to hug her own feelings into her. “You're his mom. If something happened to me and he couldn't be with you-”

“First of all, nothing's going to happen to you. Secondly, it doesn't make you a hypocrite, babe, the law is the law, and we can get the legal stuff sorted in a wink if you'd worry less. And third, nobody, and I do mean that quite literally, would ever be able to keep me from our son.”

Sara smiles and leans back to look into her eyes. “You _are_ pretty protective of him.”

“All that said,” Ava caresses her cheek gently, “it would make me really happy to be able to adopt him, and if it's a thing that worries you I can even arrange for it to happen soon. Well, soon-ish, I think before Christmas would be impossible, but-”

Sara kisses her. “I love you. Thank you, I mean it.”

“Are you kidding? Adopting him would make me so, so happy,” Ava kisses her forehead, then her cheek.

Sara knows there will have to be another conversation to have had with Jay, and she wants to make sure Ava knows it really is just a formality, but suddenly the nervous energy about saying the wrong thing melts away and she pushes up on her tiptoes to kiss Ava back.

  
  


//

  
  


They go to family court on a Friday morning. The judge reads their file, listens to them, listens to Jay, has them both sign some papers.

Both of them get teary-eyed and Jay doesn't understand why, because what does an old man know about their family anyway? Ava's been his mama for a long time. But he indulges them, especially because they've promised him there will be burgers at some point.

Afterwards, when they're back home, it settles on both of them that it's done. They're settled. They're more than settled, in fact, they're smack in the middle of the rest of their lives.

It's not an overstatement to say it's one of their happiest days ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple quick notes: as I said, I wanted to focus more on their family's dynamic, so the scenes are longer and fewer, but centered about the development of their family and their relationships, I know it's a change in pace, but I really wanted to explore this and hope you're still enjoying the fic; I'm a dum-dum who didn't count the epilogue in the chapter count, so that's not an extra chapter, just the epilogue being counted in!
> 
> Thank you all for reading! My [tumblr](https://thetruthaboutlovecomesat3am.tumblr.com/), my [twitter](https://twitter.com/thetaboutlove)


	8. fine as we are but we want more (that's human nature at its best)

  
  


It's the first Saturday in a long time that Sara doesn't have an alarm on her phone. She wakes up naturally when it's still early, but at least it isn't still dark outside and so cold around the house that the thought of peeking out of the covers makes her already shiver. That one fact, along the notion that the other side of the king sized is empty, tells her Ava has been up for a minute.

She stretches slowly, and rolls over when she doesn't hear noises: her fiancée's probably working and her son is still asleep, she can get a few more minutes of rest in. But just a couple minutes go by before the door slowly cracks open and she turns to the sound expecting Jay to be running in to look for Ava – Sara isn't sure he remembers she's home too, since it's a new schedule.

Instead, there stands Ava herself, balancing a tray as she closes the door behind herself as softly as she can manage with her elbow and then walks to Sara's side of the bed.

“Good morning,” Ava smiles when she sees Sara's awake.

She sits up, leaning against the headboard, and tilts her head up in a silent request for a kiss. Ava complies and then carefully balances the tray she was carrying on Sara's legs.

“You brought me breakfast in bed? How did you even know I was up?”

“I didn't, but I have to wake Jay in a few, so I thought I'd wake you first and bring you this,” she says, then kisses Sara again.

“You're the best. Come here,” Sara tugs her hand until Ava rounds the bed and lays down beside her, leaning her head on Sara's shoulder and hugging her waist while Sara drinks her coffee. “Now that the venue is booked we should start thinking about the food and catering.”

Ava groans and hides her face against Sara's shoulder for a moment. “We need to choose the mise en place as well, the centrepiece, the menu, drinks... well, first of all we need to book who we want to do it.”

“One thing at a time, babe. We can do this.”

“...the flowers, the officiant, the dresses.”

Sara chuckles. “We already chose the most important thing,” she leans back so she can look into Ava's eyes when she softly tells her: “Each other.”

“Aw, I turned you into such a sappy mess, it's tragic. You like me, you love me,” she sing songs while she pecks Sara's lips. “I make you all mushy inside.”

“You do,” Sara tells her with no shame. “You do something romantic like bringing me my favourite breakfast in bed and the butterflies in my stomach won't shut up about it. You make me feel so happy and loved and ridiculously lucky.”

Ava's teasing expression melts away and she gives Sara that starstruck look she sometimes gets. “I love you,” she murmurs, and kisses her again. “I love you so much.”

Sara still can't believe she's real sometimes. This woman who has turned her life upside down, who came into it like a softly-spoken hurricane and made her heart yearn for this settled down life they're building. Ava's everything she never knew she was missing. It's hard not to think about what would have happened if she hadn't found her. Maybe she'd be in and out of a toxic relationship for the rest of her life; maybe she'd still be kind of broken, kind of healing, at any given moment.

But Ava's here. Ava's here. What-if doesn't matter.

“I love you, too. Ava, I-”

The door cracks open slowly and Sara's glad, because she would have said something ridiculous and needy like “tell me you're so in love with me you'll never leave me” just to be extra sure Ava is exactly where she wants to be.

“Mama?” Jay's rubbing sleep off his eyes. “Mom!” He jumps on the bed and almost knocks over Sara's tray. “We're all home today,” he remembers enthusiastically, cozy up to Sara's side, laying between them. “Is that food? Are you eating in bed? Mom, you don't eat in your room, you leave crumbs everywhere.”

Sara chuckles. “That's _you_ peanut.”

“It's house rules. It's for all of us,” he turns to Ava silently asking for her endorsement and she chuckles, but kisses his hair and scoots closer.

“Slept well?”

“Yes. You?”

“Very much, knowing mom would be home the whole entire weekend with us.”

“Do you think she'll come get groceries with us? Can I still ride the cart?”

Sara sets the tray aside before hugging the both of them and leaning heavily on them, careful not to crush Jay in a way that isn't playful. “Try and get rid of me, I'll follow you two anywhere.”

Jay laughs and giggles and decides his retaliation will be trashing around until he's free enough to start tickling her. Sara can't say she minds.

  
  


//

  
  


It's well after the Holidays, when Laurel ropes Sara into helping at a charity event she's working to put together. It's some sort of fair, held in their old high school's premises, with some crafts stands, some pastries stands, and so on. All profits are going to keep the arts and sports programs alive in the least well off neighbourhoods in Star City.

Laurel ends up volunteering for a bunch of stuff, so she has to ask Sara, Tommy, Zari, Thea and Ava to contribute with some labor. She's lucky they all love her, really. Sara gets stuck early on at the most boring thing she can think of: selling lottery tickets. The prizes are... well, it's for a good cause, she tells people. It's public relations at its finest, and the demographic it's basically their own age plus or minus three years, so she's just sitting there smiling at people she hasn't seen in half a decade.

Ava and Tommy aren't better off: they move stuff around the whole morning of the day before the fair it's due to start, until Laurel is satisfied with it, but at least Ava doesn't have to be sitting outside in February freezing her butt off to sell tickets nobody wants to buy.

Zari does the morning, which is not only a shorter shift, but also not as cold outside, and Sara wants to almost be outraged with her sister for giving her this spot, but then Ava mentions how good it is they can help with something this amazing, how the arts and the sports save so many children's lives in so many ways, and Sara tries not to take the spot begrudgingly.

She chats with people, smiles through the small talk, doesn't even tell anyone to fuck off when they mention Oliver to her. It's their old high school, so of course there's the classic “I remember when you won cutest couple,” and the condescending “weren't you voted most likely couple to stay together,” or even someone who tells her “that's such a nice ring, I'm so happy you and Queen are back together,” and the sheer amount of remarks is bound to drive Sara into the ground with annoyance.

Her saviour comes right when it's starting to get dark – so, since it's winter, around five in the afternoon. She's leaning back in her chair, eyes closed, relishing a moment of break from the madness, when someone leans on her stand and says with a husky voice:

“So, is this where I can buy some lottery tickets?”

Sara is suddenly very much not bored. She even gets up to lean on the stand herself and smiles as she reaches for one of Ava's hands.

“Mh, sure is. What would you give me for one?”

“Well, the sign says one ticket for five dollars, two for nine, so... five dollars?”

Sara leans closer. “I could think of a better deal,” she whispers, and her lips are an hair away from Ava's.

“I didn't know you were taking _this_ kind of payment,” Ava teases her, slightly leaning back so Sara has to chase her.

She grabs the back of Ava's neck to keep her close. “Sure, I do. But only from my fiancée,” she says as she pecks her lips.

Ava smiles as she kisses her back. “You... are smooth,” she kisses her again, then leans back. “So, can I sit with you?”

“There's only one chair, but I can sit _on_ you.”

Ava exhales slowly, trying not to show her lovestruck smile so blatantly. “You'll be the death of me, you know?”

Sara just gives her that cheeky smile that makes a silly giggle start from the depths of Ava's chest and burst free. She tugs her hand until Ava rounds the stand and joins her, stepping behind her as Sara wraps Ava's arms around herself.

“I missed you,” she whispers when they're finally in each other's arms.

“You saw me two hours ago, dork,” Ava kisses behind her ear. “I missed you, too,” she murmurs. “When Dinah and Quentin offered to look after Jay I thought I'd pop by to see how the fair was going.”

“I'm glad you did, people are driving me insane.”

“Are they? How come?”

“Well...” she doesn't even have time to finish the sentence, because a couple is walking to the stand, so she unwillingly untangles herself from Ava and reaches for the tickets. Then she sees who one of them is. “Jax! It's been so long, how have you been? How's Martina?”

“Hey, Sara. I've been alright, Martina is doing awesome. How's Jason?”

“Very good, happier than ever. You're Martina's mom?” Sara asks to the woman with him.

“Yes, nice to meet you. Jax mentioned knowing you from high school I think? I mean, obviously, since you're working here,” she chuckles.

Sara nods. “My son, Jason, is a year older than Martina. Up until last year we saw each other, sometimes, when we dropped them off.” She turns to Ava, gesturing to her to step forward. “You remember...”

“Ava Sharpe, as I live and breathe. I thought you left town for college?”

“Jackson, it's good to see you. Went to Yale, yes, came back for work a couple years back. You went to MIT?”

“I did, but it wasn't my thing, you know? Too much theory.”

Ava nods and smiles. “Yeah, I remember you winning that prize with the Robotics club. You were always more of a hands on kind of guy.”

He nods and laughs. “You could say that. So, you two aren't sworn enemies anymore?”

Ava has to duck her head as not to make her dumb smile too obvious, but Sara doesn't have such qualms about showing her dazzling happiness.

“Well, do you want the long version or the short one?”

“Sara, it's been two and a half years, nobody wants the long version of that,” Ava groans.

“Hey, me and Jax were close friends in high school and we catch up when we see each other, so maybe he wants to know-”

Ava sighs and turns to him with a scold. “Please choose the short story before we become sworn enemies again.”

“You know, it would be more believable if you weren't blushing right now,” Sara points out.

Ava rolls her eyes, but doesn't rebut. Jax looks back to see there's no line behind them and smiles to Sara.

“Well, as long as you don't have costumers to get back to, I'd love the long story.”

“Great!” Sara smiles as Ava groans again. “So, you know when I was working at ol' Marley's diner, right? One day, this woman walks in, designer clothes and fancy sunglasses, and lo and behold, if it isn't Ava Sharpe. She orders, we chat, I reminisce about how much I disliked her.”

“This is exactly why I didn't want the long story,” Ava murmurs, rolling her eyes playfully to Jax. “I apologize in advance, this'll be a while,” she says to Jax's partner.

“Anyway,” Sara side yes her for interrupting. Jax already looks elated he's run into them, his amusement clear on his face. “She comes back a few times and we talk, and we're even civil with each other, which... shocking, I know. But then, on a Saturday, Ava meets Jason. I swear all he had to do was say the word costumer wrong and had her wrapped around his little finger.”

“He's a cute kid,” Jax nods. “I understand the struggle,” he says to Ava.

Ava smiles genuinely, the annoyed facade slipping at the mention of their son's cuteness.

“So, you know, they became friends. And I-” she glances to Ava, she's looking at Sara with that lovestruck expression that never fails to make Sara's heart leap. “I guess, I...” Sara likes to be brazen and bold, but hell, these memories really are something. If she closes her eyes she can almost see Ava teaching Jay to play pretend, or the first time she visited their home for Jay's fourth birthday, sitting on the grass in a pair of jeans that looked brand new. Was she already in love with Ava, back then, when they were telling everyone they were tentatively friends because Jay seemed to adore her? Was Ava just... _meant_ for her? It's hard to play cool sometimes, when her feelings feel so big and her heart seems so raw. “I mean, I tolerated her for his sake,” Sara forces the words out, but Ava seems to have caught on, because now she's the one barely able to contain her smile. “Shut up,” Sara says before Ava can even tease her.

“Aw, look who's blushing now,” Ava teases her.

Sara chuckles as she rolls her eyes in an attempt to regain control of the emotions overwhelming her. “You were right, the story _is_ too long. But, anyway, we're getting married in May.”

“What?! For real? I'm so happy for you guys,” Jax seems happy, but not all that surprised. Sara realizes only now he might have seen them hugged to each other just a moment before.

They catch up a bit more, Sara sells him two tickets, then they leave after a few minutes with the promise of calling each other soon. She's still lost in thought when she feels Ava's arms hug her and a smile immediately makes its way on her lips.

“So, you tolerated me, uh?” Ava kisses her neck playfully. “See, 'cause I remember you inviting me to Jay's birthday, kissing my cheek, holding my hand, telling people you were taken when we weren't even dating yet.”

Sara pulls her closer and turns her head so she can lean up to kiss Ava's cheekbone. “I was so scared you wouldn't risk it,” she admits, pressing her nose to Ava's. “You already loved Jay so much, and I thought maybe you wouldn't want to jeopardize that to be with me. I remember that night you were reading him a bed time story, doing voices, and he was fighting sleep so he could listen to you read all of it. Must've been December or January, it was freezing out and I asked you to stay.”

“We fought for the couch,” Ava supplies in a whisper.

“Yeah,” Sara chuckles. “I told you we could share my bed, but you just...” she shakes her head. “It was more than you not taking the hint, I know it was. I _knew_ you wouldn't risk it. I could feel it in the way you'd hold my hand, back then, soft and scared as you were, that you loved us both too much to be mine in the way I wanted you to,” she turns in Ava's arms to circle her shoulders and look into her eyes. “I tried to convince myself it was for the best, that I'd screw it up anyway. That, if we stayed friends, I could have you in my life for the rest of it.”

“What changed your mind?” Ava asks, a little out of breath at the confession.

“You did. One day, I was telling myself we were fine as we were. The next, you were getting jealous over some dude hitting on me and I knew we'd been lying to ourselves. You and I were never just friends: you loved me, and I was so in love with you it made me feel stupid. I was in love with you when you were planning on never making a move, I was in love with you when your cute dumb butt thought I was straight, I was definitely in love with you when you organized that non-surprising surprise party for my birthday. I was born on Christmas, babe, how could you think I'd believe everyone just... forgot?”

Ava grimaces, but chuckles, and kisses Sara's lips. “Love makes you dumb, and Zari thought it would work, too.”

“Nah, Zari was in it to literally just get us to kiss under the mistletoe the whole time, she knew I'd never fall for the surprise party, but you were just too nervous organizing every little detail to notice her shenanigans.”

She leans her forehead on Sara's shoulder to hide her smitten expression and chuckles through the embarrassment. “What can I say, I just wanted to make you happy.”

“You did. God, you did. Every single day. You still do. I still love you so much it makes me feel stupid.”

Ava chuckles, and turns to kiss her neck, then her jaw, then her lips. “I love you, too.”

“Well, you better. You proposed. There's no getting rid of me, now,” Sara teases her, kissing her again.

Ava ends up staying for the next couple of hours, so Sara endures the dumb questions and silly remarks a lot better than she was before. And, no matter what inappropriate or personal comments people make, Ava never lets go of her hand. Sara is thoroughly convinced, nothing could drive them apart.

  
  


//

  
  


The email comes on a Saturday, and to say that Ava is surprised would be an understatement. The first thing she does is call Nora. Well, the first thing she does is panic, then she calls Nora.

“Did you see it?” Nora hums in the affirmative. “Did you know?” Nora hums in the negative. “Do you think I should send an invite back?” Nora hums again, uncertainly. “Nora, I'mma need you to actually speak words.”

“ _Well, she did send us invites to her wedding. And we were best friends with her_.”

“We were _college_ best friends, but we've barely talked since you moved here. We do text in the group chat, but it's not the same.”

“ _Best friends is best friends, Ava. And, you know, we're adults, sometimes life gets in the way. But I invited them to mine, and Caitlyn invited us, even though the wedding didn't happen in the end. And now, Iris has invited us. And her wedding is a month after yours. Now, I'm not saying you should invite them..._ ”

“You're just saying it'd be rude not to,” Ava sighs. “Wait a goddamn second, isn't Barry Allen her step-brother? Oh, God, what the hell happened these past two years that she's marrying her step-brother?!”

Sara chooses that exact sentence to walk into the kitchen to, and she stops dead in her tracks. “Who's marrying their step-brother?”

“I'm on the phone with Nora. Sara just walked in, you're on speaker,” she warns through the phone before putting the phone down on the counter.

“ _Barry has been in love with her the whole time we've known them, I'm not surprised they got together and are getting hitched. Plus, you're not exactly the same you were in college._ ”

“Who are we talking about?” Sara peeks at the screen from above Ava's shoulder.

“Iris West. You remember how I told you we had this small group of friends in college and we were all really close?”

“Sure. You, Nora and two other girls, right?” Sara nods. “I'm guessing Iris is one of them?”

“Yeah. And me and Nora just got invited to her wedding,” Ava points at the screen.

“Ah. We _have_ to invite them, babe.”

“ _Right? I was trying to be subtler, but..._ ”

“Nora, thank you, but I'm going to have to call you back in a few,” Ava says before things can escalate, closing the call before turning to Sara with a pensive expression. “Look, we really don't have to invite them. Their wedding is after ours, we could just decline on the grounds we ourselves had a small wedding.”

Sara looks at her, a doubtful expression on her face. “Did Nora invite them?”

“Yes, but that's... different,” Ava hesitates.

Her doubtful expression stays. “Why?”

“Well,” Ava looks away, thinking of the right words. “First of all, when Nora got married they were all living in Central City and I was still in New Heaven. And ever since Nora moved here we've just texted in our group chat, but we've talked, like, five times. College was a very long time ago.”

Sara clicks her tongue and narrows her eyes. “Mh.”

“Okay, so,” she sighs, turning fully to Sara and tugging her hand so she'd sit down next to Ava. “I don't think it'd be fair to not disclose this at this point, but remember this was a really, really long time ago. A lot happened since then, this is well and truly in the past, I guarantee.”

“Spit it out, babe.”

Ava takes a deep breath. “It might be awkward because, if we invite Iris, we'd have to invite our other friend. Caitlyn.”

Sara's expression slowly morphs into a neutral one. “Caitlyn? As in, your ex, Caitlyn?”

Ava is shaking her head before the sentence is even past Sara's lips. “I wouldn't... say that. We were never...”

“Well, you were sleeping together for, what, a whole school year?”

“No, no,” Ava is trying to smile reassuringly, but it seems to be making things worse. “Couldn't have been more than six months, tops. Then she met this amazing guy, she fell head over heels, was even going to marry him! We were mostly friends, really.”

“So, she's married?” Sara crosses her arms over her chest.

“Well, he died before they could actually go through with it, sadly. But he was her soulmate, just like you're mine,” Ava takes her hands gently, coaxing her into uncrossing her arms. “She's never properly moved on, and even if she had, we were never really anything other than casual, and we would've never been. But I get that it's awkward and I get that inviting her to our wedding isn't really-”

“Did she invite you to hers?”

Ava hesitates. Sara grips her hands tighter. “She did. Like I said, we were friends. I was never jealous of him, I was never bitter, and I never felt like she chose him over me or something. She wanted something serious and I didn't; it wasn't tragic, it wasn't awful, it wasn't even that sad, really. It was as amicable as break ups get, I think. So, yes, even if it was just a couple years after we used to hook up she invited me, but he knew me, we were friends too. You don't have to feel the same about this, you don't have to not care just because he didn't. It's _our_ wedding, I would never want someone there that made you uncomfortable, my love.”

Sara considers her words for a long moment, then she looks back into Ava's eyes like she's just thought of something else. “Why didn't you want to be serious with her?”

Ava looks at her and, probably for the first time in their relationship, actually considers lying to get out of an argument. Her mind, the anxious, insecure, dark part of her mind that still doubts Sara might wake up one day and change her mind about them – it's been so quiet for so long, Ava's almost forgot about it – tells her to just say she doesn't want Caitlyn at the wedding and be done with this. To make up some excuse about how she was too focused on her studies to embark on a serious relationship and move on.

But she can't. And Sara already knows, anyway.

Or, well, Sara can imagine. She knows enough. She knows Ava liked Caitlyn, they were friends, they dated for six months and, even though Ava has always been adamant about not labelling things back then, Caitlyn had basically been her first girlfriend. Sara knows she was just the second girl Ava had ever slept with. She knows they started hooking up just a few months into Ava's first year in college. The conclusion, she can guess.

“You know why,” she whispers, but Sara shakes her head.

Ava can't say it. Truth be told, Ava can barely think about it.

She likes to pretend she was all moved on by the time her dad's car's back tires had crossed Star City's town line, mind and heart set ahead and not backwards, everything forgotten and forgiven. When Nora asked who's facebook pictures she'd been looking up, she'd say something like: “some old loser's, back home, just to be glad I got the hell out of there.” She remembers one night, when some words on a screen announcing a rekindled relationship – after maybe a week since they'd broke up – between the girl she never mentioned and her former best friend, tore her heart into pieces, and she told Nora it was because the girl she'd hooked up with a few days before never texted back.

Nothing but lies, the whole lot of it. Forgetting has never been in Ava's nature, and even if it had been, the girl she never mentioned was one she could never quite forget.

She lets go of Sara's hands, when she says: “'Cause I was still in love with you.”

Two more years, she'd dated Oliver after Ava left town, none the wiser to the fact Ava loved her. And Ava was on the other side of the country unable to love anyone else. There are some days, Ava still wonders if she ever really has, or if she would ever really have. If she ever stopped. Or if her life has been an uninterrupted line of “loving Sara”, more or less consciously, but with no gaps.

Fear grips her stomach when the she thinks Sara might be about to doubt how genuine Ava's love for her is, or if she's just in love with the idea of her. Which is utterly and absolutely idiotic, but when have her fears ever be rational? Instead, Sara holds Ava's face in her hands, looking troubled.

“You have no idea how scared I am someday you'll resent me for all the pain I've caused you without knowing it.”

Ava's eyebrow shoot up, because resentment has played no part of this for her, ever. It never even crossed her mind to blame Sara for any of it, honestly. “What? But I... I'd never-”

“I know. But I'm still scared.”

Ava gets that. She's scared of things she knows will probably never happen herself, so of course she gets that. “I wouldn't change it,” she says instead of an half assed reassurance. “Honestly, what happened with my parents fucked up things with the first girl I dated in a way, and the whole thing with them was still going on, too, when I was seeing Caitlyn, so it wasn't just because of you.” She leaves the _just mostly about you_ out of her speech. “And what if I told you how I felt, and we'd tried, and things got too hard, too messy? We might have never found our way back to each other, we might have never had Jay, or this life, and what could ever be worth more than _this_?” She looks around, at Jay's scattered toys, at their wedding book on the counter where they're writing down all their plans. “I wouldn't change any of it. So there's nothing I could resent you for.”

Sara holds her face tighter and steps between Ava's legs, bending down to kiss her lips. “I wouldn't change anything either, but if I could make it so you were never heartbroken, I-”

“I know,” Ava whispers. “It's almost like you're in love with me or something, get a grip,” she says, despite her voice almost cracking through the sentence.

“It's almost like I tell you everyday, too. Get your memory checked,” Sara teases back, hugging her so close she almost melts right into Ava. “You _are_ my soulmate. You and Jay are my everything. And I think we should invite your friends to our wedding, we're going to be the happiest and everyone we love should be there.”

Ava hugs her back and kisses her shoulder. “Okay. You're right. I just hate that it means Nora was right, too.”

Sara laughs, shaking her head a little at Ava's antics. “Of course you do,” she whispers, before kissing her again.

  
  


//

  
  


They plan the wedding for months, and the week of still comes too early. Dinah and Pam are in a state of frenzy, trying to make sure the reception is perfect; Laurel and Nora are trying to make sure the rehearsal party goes on without hiccups; Amaya, Zari and Ali are checking everything is going smoothly with the bakery, the catering and the flowers. Ray and Nate are on kids duty almost constantly for basically the entire week.

And Ava stresses. She checks everything that's been already checked and if she runs out of things to stress about she creates them. Sara's sole task is to make sure her fiancée doesn't drop dead from a heart-attack.

“Let's go take a walk.”

“I need to check in with the florist again.”

“Amaya's doing that.”

“Well, then, the catering-”

“Zari already checked. In fact, they told her if one of us calls them again they'll drop out of the wedding.”

“No, they didn't.”

Sara tries not to smile. “They didn't, but it was heavily implied,” she bargains. “Look, babe, you know I find it really sexy when you try to be in charge of everything simultaneously and turn into a neurotic mess, but everyone else might...”

“Like it less?”

“...be plotting your murder.”

“Ah. Maybe we should go for that walk?”

“Hey, why don't we take the kids? Ray was going to go pick up your friends from the airport, but I'm sure he'd appreciate Nate's company, and they could both use a break. Just for two hours.”

Ava sighs. “Two hours?”

“Yes, just the time it takes them to go to the airport and come back. Babe, we took two days off work and you spent the first one and a half checking every minuscule detail. It'll be good to destress, or you'll have a panic attack tomorrow before we even get to have dinner with our friends.”

Ava nods, with a long exhale.

They take Ava's car, so while she drives Sara calls Nate and Ray to tell them they're going to the Palmer's to trade tasks. When they get there, Ava is immediately submerged by a wave of children, her child and nieces informed by Ray she might have needed some extra love.

Sara sees the adults out and then gets back to her fiancée, whose make up is being redone by Mari and Sandy, while Jay and Lita are fixing her hair.

Sara loves Ava. She more than loves her, so much so that it almost seems diminishing to just say love, because Sara utterly adores her; she's in a state of constant gratefulness that Ava is part of her life. But when she's like this, hair a mess and blue eyeshadow worn as cheek blush, Sara feels her chest busting with the depth of her affection. She's so good with kids, and especially with their kid. She laughs so loud and looks so happy that Sara's throat closes up with the inability to ever express just how lucky she feels.

Sara lets them play, makes them relaxing tea, and brings them cups when it's warm but not hot, to avoid any possible accidents. They have snacks and then go back to playing with Ava, as Sara washes the cups. She wonders, briefly, if there's something wrong with how calm she feels, with how unworried she is. But then she realizes, it's because it won't matter if the flowers aren't perfect or the catering messes up one of the courses: she doesn't crave the wedding, she craves the marriage. She looks forward to the wedding, sure, but she knows no small thing going awry could spoil it for her – or even for Ava, but she wants it to be perfect for their families and friends.

The door opens and Sara walks into the foyer to see Ray and Nate walking in with four people Sara doesn't know.

“Sara! Hey, we were going to drop them off at their hotel but we decided on a little detour,” Ray smiles, turning to the woman standing beside him.

“Oh, yes, Ray mentioned Ava being around kids and we _had_ to see that,” she offers Sara her hand. “I'm Iris West, it's really nice to meet you.”

Sara smiles, shaking it. “She wasn't big on children back in college?”

“That's one way to put it,” the guy next to her snorts. “I'm Cisco, you must be Sara.”

“I'm Caitlyn,” the other girl says. “Congratulations on the wedding and excuse my friends, they're just excited to see Ava again. It's been a while.”

Sara smiles politely while shaking her hand. “Honestly, I'm just curious to know more about how she was back then,” she chuckles, then offers her hand to the last person of the small group. “You must be Barry.”

They hear a squeal and a giggle, then Jay comes rushing in the room, his Peter Pan hat on, followed by Mari and Sandy. When the youngest one sees her dad is back she walks over, arms extended and ready to be picked up. The other two scurry away to hide behind a couch.

“Daddy, we're playing Peter Pan and auntie Ava is chasin' with her hook,” she mimics it by croaking her finger. “Jay's Peter, Mari's Wendy, I'm Tinkin'bel.”

“That's nice, honey,” Ray smiles. “And who's Lita?”

“You know she always wants to be on auntie's team,” Sandy giggles. “So she's a pirate, too.”

Lita absolutely adores Ava, so it's not a surprise. She walks in a moment later, a makeshift eyepatch made with a bandana, giving Lita a piggyback ride while she does her best impression of a pirate.

“Arrr, where are thy little- Iris? Guys, hey, when did you...”

That is the moment Jay and Mari choose to jump out of the couch and jump her, and Ava can do nothing but play defeated by the tickling attack. Sandy wiggles until Ray lets her down so she can join in and a moment later Ava is using her fake eyepatch to wave in surrender.

“Truce, truce. Pirates lost,” Sara walks over, helping Ava up.

“Mama, I want a piggyback ride, too,” Jay asks enthusiastically as soon as she's standing again, but Sara gently puts a hand on his shoulder.

“Some of mama's friends are here, remember how we talked about them coming to visit?”

He peeks to the people standing with his uncles. “Yeah.”

Ava heads to them to properly greet them, and Jay clutches Sara's hand.

Lita tugs his sleeve just as Mari tells him: “That means we have to act all proper or we get in trouble,” in what she believes to be a whisper but it's absolutely not. Lita nods in agreement and Jay sighs a bit.

Sara knows it has nothing to do with them. Meeting friends of his parents hasn't been easy, and Sara thinks it's her own fault for trying to get him to like Oliver and making them spend time together when he didn't want to. They're working through his issues and they try not to force him to meet new people if he doesn't want to, but he's agreed to meet Ava's friends already and they just have to respect his wishes, if right now he isn't up for it.

But Lita and Mari seems to know, he's probably talked to them about it, because they stick to his side – so does Sandy, even though she isn't completely sure what is going on – even as he half hides behind Sara like he sometimes does when he's cautious.

Ava is hugging her friends when they walk closer, and she's just leaning back from Cisco when he looks weirdly at the side of her head.

“What do you have in your hair?”

Her hand reaches up to touch it when she realizes what he's talking about. “Oh, they're hair clips,” she laughs it off. Sara expects her to take it off, make up some excuse or something, because she seems almost as tense as Jay looks. “I love them, they're the prettiest.”

She glances quickly to Jay, so Sara does, too, and he's touching the side of his own hair, where the matching clips are. Cisco follows her eyes and notices what is happening at the same time Caitlyn elbows him in the ribs.

“Hell yeah, they are,” he nods. “I should buy some, too, uh?” He makes a show of combing his hair back with his hand.

“Your hair's long, too,” Jay says. “It looks cool.”

“Thank you, little buddy, yours does as well.” He crouches down. “I'm Cisco.”

He looks at Sara, who nods to him. He steps forward and offers Cisco his hand. “I'm Jay. Can we do your hair, too?”

“Well, I-” he looks right into those baby blue eyes and falls short. When he looks up for help, Caitlyn is giving him a semi-glare, so he turns back, trying to look enthusiastic. “Sure, you can comb my hair.”

The smile Jay gives him completely makes up for his almost-gaffe.

“Thank you,” Ava whispers to him before Jay and Mari whisk him away. “We should probably...”

“We got it,” Nate tells her, dragging Ray with him to the kids.

Once Cisco's sat down on the couch and Nate and Ray are keeping an eye on things, Sara offers the rest of their guests some tea. They explain that it's Ray and Nora's house, but they're over so often because it's the bigger house and when all the kids want to be together it's the only place that won't feel too small. Sara's pouring tea, when she overhears them starting to shift away from small talk and into uncharted territory.

“So, when you said your girlfriend had a kid...” Barry starts off, only to be cut off by Iris.

“She mentioned _them_ having a child, Barry. What is with you boys and being rude, today?”

“Well, okay, but I figured it would be more of a... tolerating the kids situation. I mean you seemed to be allergic to them back in the day. But you don't just have a child, you're drowning in kids who seem to adore you. Ouch!”

Sara doesn't need to turn to guess Iris must've kicked him under the table and she has to refrain from smiling.

“What's this I hear about you not liking kids?” Sara asks, sitting down with the teas for Ava's friends.

“It was half a decade ago,” she laughs it off. “Things change. I mean, Barry here proposed to his step-sister, so...”

“Hey, that's not true.”

Sara touches Ava's arm. “Stop teasing the poor man, it's not even accurate. So, Iris, Ava tells me you're a journalist?”

Iris and Sara are both extremely good at small talk and pleasantries, while Ava and Barry tease each other. Caitlyn joins the small talk and Ava has to admit Sara is doing a really good job of being nice to her.

When Sara's and Berry's cups are empty, Ava scoops them up and brings them to the sink to rinse them; after a few moments, Caitlyn picks up her own cup and Iris' and joins her.

“So... Sara's really nice.”

Ava can't help but smile. “She's the one.”

“I'm really glad you found each other,” Caitlyn smiles, bumping her shoulder into Ava's. “You were so closed off back in college, who'd have thought we'd see you so happy and heart-eyed.”

She smiles, then nods. “She makes me feel like I'm a kid again. It's weird to explain, but, I was never unhappy, you know? I was never broody, at least. But being with her, being a part of our family, makes me feel carefree and makes me want to...”

“Play Captain Hook?”

“Yeah,” Ava chuckles. “Don't tell Barry but, I was actually friends with Jay before I started dating Sara. We reconnected when I came back to town and I met him and it was just like... my heart knew that I was meant to be with them.”

“That is so sappy. You should be glad the others didn't overhear it,” Caitlyn teases her.

“Not a word,” Ava says in a mock warning tone.

She pretends to zip her lips shuts. “I promise. I'm really, really happy for you, Ava.”

When they hug, Ava looks over her shoulder and her eyes meet Sara's. She's smiling at something Iris is saying, but Ava isn't sure it reaches her eyes.

They leave shortly after, Ray goes to drop the small group off to their hotel, Sara and Ava head back home to resume the last minute preparations. The car ride is silent, until Sara asks her to take a turn that would take them off route. Ava protests, but agrees when Sara insist and won't tell her why: the reason becomes apparent a few turns later, when Ava recognizes the place they're headed to. They find themselves on the spot of their first official date, overlooking the city. Sara walks out of the car silently and goes to sit on the hood of Ava's car just like she had back then. Ava joins her.

They look out to the city, a few barely recognizable buildings but mostly just a mess of blurred faces and motion. After a moment, Sara lays her head on Ava's shoulder.

“This city's filled to the brim with you.”

Ava frowns, chuckling in confusion. “What?”

“That's the diner, where we had our lunches,” Sara points and Ava isn't even sure that's the right spot, but she gets what Sara means. “Out there, just on the edge of town, it's the camp where we met. Our old high school is over there. That's the mall with the yogurt place you liked when we were teens, I remember seeing you there so often. The park where we go on Saturdays. Palmer Tech. You can leave a place like this, but a part of you always stays back. Your initials on a school desk, an old flyer offering math tutoring with your number on it, your picture on the yearbooks in the library.”

She's a little confused, but plays along. “But I'm never leaving Star City again. I mean, unless you're moving, then I'm coming with, obviously.”

“The point is, cities remember you. People remember you. Every place, like every person, knows a different side of you. This is where we had our first official date. It's one of the places where we got to know each other.”

Ava is getting a little tense by this point, despite the softness in Sara's voice, so she takes her hand in her own. “If this is what was bothering you, you're the person who knows me best in the world, Sara.”

She shakes her head, shifting closer to hug Ava's arm and lay her head on Ava's shoulder more comfortably. “No, it's... Before your friends arrived, I was just looking at you with colourful hair clips and blue eyeshadow on your cheeks,” she chuckles, leaning back to look at her, caressing her now clean face. “It makes it hard for me not to want to do it all over again.” Her voice is as sweet as her touch, and her eyes are shining with love, easing Ava's worries away.

“Do what all over again?” Ava wonders in a whisper, completely entranced by Sara's closeness and her oh-so-gorgeous blue eyes.

“The kid thing.”

Ava's already leaning in when Sara says it, and their lips are already grazing when she registers the words and leans back. “What?”

“It's fine, if you don't want more. I guess I've always imagined Jay would have siblings, someday, and you were always so great with kids, I just assumed...” she shakes her head. “It never crossed my mind you might not have wanted children before him, or that you might not want to have more. And it's not a dealbreaker or anything to me. But I guess, I just wanted you to know that if one day you do, then-”

“Sara.” The whispered name is enough to put a stop to the rambling.

Ava is barely listening anymore. She's going on a tangent in her mind about what her friends said, about her not wanting kids back then, or how she was closed off, or about not wanting to settle down, not being able to imagine herself wanting to. Not with anyone but Sara. She loves Jay, so much, and it's undeniable she adored him at first because the way he looks and acts resemble Sara's in an uncanny manner, and reminded Ava of a simpler time in their life. But if Jay looked and acted completely different, she wouldn't love him any less. Jay's her child. He's her world.

She's always felt so lucky to have found them both. And when she imagines holding their child, she knows loving them will come as natural as breathing. It's everything else she's worried about. Like the fact that newborns hate her, or at least strongly dislike her. And the thought of being pregnant sends her into a panic of its own. And what if the kid hates her? It's easy with her child and nieces, they adore her.

“Stop panicking, babe. Like I said, we don't have to have more. We can even not talk about it ever again.”

Ava shakes her head. “It's just scary. Can we... can we talk about it after the wedding?”

“Of course. And whatever we decide, it'll be fine, okay? The last thing I want is for you to stress more.”

Ava nods, but her mind keeps wondering and the gears turn and turn until she's gone through every possible scenario in her mind.

Sara knows she's failed and she knows Ava is probably thinking about one thing and one thing only, but at least that means she isn't driving their friends crazy with wedding stuff anymore. It happens two hours later, when Quentin's cooking and the Sharpe's are helping while Dinah is picking up Jay; everything's ready for the rehearsal dinner the next day and for the wedding on Sunday, so they're having family dinner to de-stress with just their parents. So Sara's decided to take a quick shower before Jay gets there, and the moment she opens the curtain Ava's closing the bathroom door behind herself.

“Babe, couldn't you have waited two minutes 'til I got out? If your parents saw you they'd think we were up to funny business.”

Ava doesn't even laugh, she just waves her concerns off with a: “They're all downstairs. Would you like to adopt? And if yes, would you be open to an older kid? I'm thinking, like, approximately three to Jay's age.”

Sara raises an eyebrow. “Can you at least hand me a towel?”

Ava's eyes wander down and there's a moment when Sara thinks she's going to pause this conversation to actually get down to funny business. But then Ava turns, looking for the towel and hands it to her, eyes up to the ceiling. Sara chuckles quietly, wraps the towel around herself, and then hugs Ava's shoulders, pressing their bodies together.

“It's cute that we're getting married in thirty-six hours and you're still shy. And I'd love to adopt. I thought we were going to talk about it after the wedding?”

Ava nods. “Right, after the wedding,” she agrees, hands gripping Sara's hips as she kisses her neck.

Sara raises an eyebrow, but lets Ava guide her backwards into the counter behind her. “Maybe there _is_ time for a little bit of funny business.”

Ava just nods again.

  
  


//

  
  


The rehearsal dinner goes smoothly and, with puzzlement from no one but Ava, nothing catastrophic happens the morning of the wedding. There is so much to do they go on autopilot and, before they know it, they're in front of the officiant – Ray, teary eyed himself – and looking at each other. It's happening, almost suddenly; even though there have been months of preparations, big and small, and decisions to be made, and paths to be chosen, and a whole process to get there, it still feels somehow both overdue and abrupt.

“We met when I was seven,” Sara says, when it's her moment to say the vows, “but we got to know each other again, and it almost felt like rediscovering my own whole life. With every little thing I learned about you, I also discovered something new about myself, and the more in love with you I fell, the more I loved life. You taught me how happy love can make you. How serene life can be. You're my soulmate. You're the love of my life, and I-”

That's when Jay, standing beside her with the rings, tugs her dress. Sara bends down to listen to what he has to say, then nods and smiles at him, leaning back up.

“I'm sorry, you're the love of _our_ lives, and _we_ could've never been this happy without you.”

If Ava hadn't been crying already, Jay's addendum to Sara's vows would've done the trick.

“What we have, isn't something I'd ever thought I could get. I was so focused on my career, on the path I thought I had to take, that I never imagined myself having something like this. Three years ago, the day I walked into the diner you were working at, you told me: _sometimes the best laid plans fail, because the universe has something better in store for you_. You weren't in my plans, but loving you was the best thing that ever happened to me. I think it's safe to say, the universe outdid itself when it gave me you and Jay. You weren't the path I imagined, but you're the one I _want_ to take. I love you,” she whispers the last three words just for Sara to hear.

They cry, and they laugh, and they exchange rings and promises they'll keep for the rest of their lives. And they dance, as the world around them disappears, safe in each other's arms. All things considered, not a bad day, indeed.

  
  


//

  
  


Ava opens her eyes as the first rays of sun reminds her she's neglected to close the curtains properly the night before. She groans slightly, but smiles when she feels lips press against her shoulder and an arm circling her waist.

The smile turns into a full on laugh when she hears Sara chuckle against her neck, both happy and carefree, enjoying the first day of the rest of their lives.

  
  


//

  
  


This, is a love story. But it's also an _in love_ story.

  
  


Jay's almost seven when they get married. Soon, _too_ soon – he really is growing too fast, sometimes they just wish they could freeze time on him – Jay's turning eight. And the day comes that Ava's been in his life longer than she hasn't.

Soon enough – God, _too_ soon, it's too soon, why can't he be a baby forever? – Jay's turning nine, ten, eighteen.

The day comes Ava doesn't tear up when he calls her “mama”, because it feels natural, practiced, well worn. They have their first big fight, and Jay gets mad but doesn't say anything he wouldn't say to Sara. Ava is hard on him when she has to be, without ever fearing the same words that came out of Oliver's mouth might come out of her own kid's someday, because Jay sees her as his mom, _wants_ her as his mom, even when Ava's taking away his playstation, or his laptop, or his car keys. Her worst fears die, slowly but surely, to never resurface again.

Eventually – not that soon, really, life _is_ long – Jay turns thirty-one, and the day comes he's been in Ava's life longer than he hasn't. Their memories of what life was like without the other feel surreal, faded at the edges, too long gone to be hurtful.

  
  


In the summer he's meant to turn thirty-three, on a day he's helping his grandparents clean their old basement, they find an old diary Sara kept when she was very, very young. Inside it, there's a picture of her at camp that Dinah says she's made the staff send over because Sara wouldn't stop asking.

Jay feels himself laugh so hard, when he realizes what it means, and shows it to his moms just so he can make fun of both of them for ever thinking things might've worked out differently, or that they hadn't always been meant to be.

In the picture, his nine year old mama is giving the camera a grin, one of her arms around Sara's shoulder, who's standing beside her. Ava's face is circled along with Sara's inside a heart drawn with a red pen; “Sara + Ava” is scribbled beside it with the same pen, in his seven years old mom's shaky handwriting.

Sara smiles, takes Ava's hand, and tells him: “Well, I guess no one ever really gets over the girl who first teaches them how to make s'mores.”

Ava's still holding the picture, smiling at it tenderly. “I don't think it's that much of a universal experience, honey.” She brings Sara's hand to her lips, kissing her knuckles. “But I'm really, really glad that you never did.”

Jay rolls his eyes at them, but laughs, taking a picture with his phone of Ava and Sara, hugged on the couch, as his mama holds up the old photograph in front of them. He sends it to all his siblings in the family chat, with the caption: _found some more proof they were always meant to be_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I integrated the epilogue into this last chapter because I didn't want to split up the wedding from the rest. There were so many things I wanted to mention, their friends, their future children, the years to come... I know the last chapter touches on a lot of things, being a wrap up of the story, but I just couldn't help myself.
> 
> Someone asked for some Sara&Jay moments, since this story focuses on Ava developing a relationship with Jay and Ava/Sara: I didn't want to rush an answer but a few headcanons will be posted on my [tumblr](https://thetruthaboutlovecomesat3am.tumblr.com/) presumably in the next few days :)
> 
> A big thank you to everyone who asked me to post this story while I was ranting about it on tumblr but didn't have the courage to post, another just as big thank you to everyone who left a comment. I'm not sure which project I'll focus on next, but you'll hear from me soon (yes, that is a threat) <3

**Author's Note:**

> Please note the warnings at the beginning of the story! If you have questions/constructive criticism please feel free to let me know in a comment or on [tumblr](https://thetruthaboutlovecomesat3am.tumblr.com/), where you can also find links to my other socials <3


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